oxymoron of ironies

2007-05-18T23:04:00.000+08:00

MOVED.

It was nice here.
But change is inevitable.
Join me if you will.
=D

2007-05-09T21:27:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.

I think I need to do something fresh, to motivate myself to BUCK UP!

Yup, life's been bleah, with bumps here and there.

SCHOOL = FUN, ECONS = FUN
yes i have to do a repeat of PHYSICS = FUN (which i did for O's and amazingly got an A1 for PHYSICS! =D) you should have seen my room! PHYSICS = FUN was EVERYWHERE! ok, shoot, i have to start being enthusiastic about school. darn, i CANNOT screw up Common Test!

aiya, tired lah.
Maybe i should move.
To LJ maybe.
FAD THEN I CAN READ YOUR FRIENDS ONLY POSTS!!

ok this is so random. i should be doing schoolwork.
but im watching dikir instead. below is one of my favourites. ok i love anything by Makyong Kedek. =D

2007-05-02T18:19:00.000+08:00

You know when you're relying on your visual obsession (of guys you dont know practicing dikir barat) to experience joy, that something is wrong.

Everything is effectively going downhill. Flashbacks evidently sparks once in a while back to those days when my life was, lamely put, a screw-up. I'm starting to lose touch with who I'm supposed to be. Do I need a reason? Or do I need to prove myself? At the rate I'm going, I'm starting to believe that the best answers for these questions are "YES".

I'm jumping from one euphoria to another. Then what? What if everything cease to exist? Will I return to being a soul without spirit, living life just for the sake of living? I swore that I shall never return to those dark days, and try as I might, the depression is starting to set in. Though the tendency to self-hurt is still far from occuring, the soul still yearns for a true measure of being.

I cant think straight anymore. I dont feel close to Him anymore, astaghfirullah. Try as I might, everything is slowly slipping from grasp. All that I've worked hard for, all that I chose to believe, are assumingly becoming fallacies to the reality that I'm being bombarded with. I find the need to prove myself constantly bugging my conscience, say I have one. I cant exist because I MERELY do; I NEED to justify my presence.

JC life has imprinted itself. The urgent need to succeed is so evident because I'm used to it. I NEED to do well, to get the grades. Because I KNOW I can get it. I NEED TO GET IT. Or I'll feel like a useless bitch who cant seem to justify her presence on this lovely Earth, because her fulfilment of her duty as His Servant is also drained. See? That mentality is the one thing that is going to cause my downfall.

WHY?

In response to that mentality, I'm going to work myself to the ground. Depression will start to set it should I be unable to achieve the personal targets that are going to be crazy-high. Ignorance shall be feigned, Happiness shall be a mere act.

How do I know this?

Because this isn't the first time.
I want it to be the last time.

The toll I have to pay for this obscenity is too immense, too painful, up to a point that is simply not worth it.

I work hard to piece things together, just to be left more confused and vulnerable to mistakes.

I tried to think of the question that Saiful posted to me the other day, and I cant seem to put my thoughts together. Half the time I'll be so damn distracted by my obsession, I'd end up feeling many times worst than I first started off. If this continues, I'm going to suffer a breakdown.

My apologies to you, because of ranting all this here. This is the true reflection of myself. I want to be me, but who am I?

I thought I've found my direction, but here I am at crossroads again. I dont want to stray away from Him, so please Allah, guide me back to Your path. Grant me the strength to strive forward, and shine your heedayah on F, so that together we can serve You to the best of our abilities.

Writing is my only remedy. Verbal language is the nature of my game of fallacy.

You are my acquaintance, but are you my friend?

2007-04-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

MIQ CHAMPIONS!

Salam guys.

Alhamdulillah. Wali-wali andrew's brought the kunci back! =D

I am so proud of you guys! =D

I'm sorry for not studying so much for this round ok.
And Sufi, i dont need a reason to fall sick ok! I just did. =(

I should be sleeping now, because my flu is still horrible and the migraines are just #$#%&^*& but i'm too excited to sleep! oh gosh! i'm just so happy lah!

and the funny thing was, i knew most of the answers for this round and I KNOW HOW TO ANYAM KETUPAT LAH! hahaha. darn the flu lah! =(

and i just realised farhan rosman is an irritating person to sit beside. hah!

ok i am not making sense.
i shall rest and stone now and come back with the full story, and hopefully, pictures. =D

ps: to saiful, i shall think of your question and post up a special entry for it once i recover and can think sensibly ok. =D

2007-04-25T20:31:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.

Yup. =D

Note: THERE'S A CHANGE IN STARTING TIME.
IT'S AT 2PM. NOT 11AM. =DDD

and so i've heard my dear friends are stressed out over miq finals.
relaks ar bebbb.. =D

yeah i can say that, since i'm not in going on stage. heh.
too sick to bother to study anyway.
so FARHAN ROSMAN, i am counting on you to give me the answers for supporter's round ok. =DD

i shall sit down one corner and relax.
yay!

btw, bmtc visit just now rocks. =D
i love the food. and yes, i went for the shooting training. HAHA.
fatt, i can challenge you to be a marksman! wooots. =D

ok i am officially high from flu. =D

2007-04-24T17:46:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.

Ultimately, this is what happens when you are down with the $%^&# flu bug, the doctor gave you 2 days mc, you are absolutely bored out of your remaining active brain cells which refuses to do any more schoolwork.. You indulge in the brainless. =D btw fad, i stole this from you! hehe

what time did u get up this morning?
835am didnt have to solat maah. =D

diamonds or pearls?
diamonds definitely.

wat was the last film u saw in the
cinema?
darn. what's the name of the movie again? oh yah, The Messengers. i spent half the time burying my head in his shoulders anyway. yup, im a scaredy cat.

what is your favourite tv show?
CSI, without a doubt. =D

what do you usually have for breakfast?
anything anything anything really.

what is your middle name?
atikah

what food do you dislike?
i love everything halal. =D

what kind of car do you drive?
ask me again in 3 years. =)
i would LOVE a Nissan Murano! in RED!

favourite sandwich?
Yakun's toast! with lots of kaya and butter! yummmmy =D

what characteristic do you despise?
short-temperedness

favourite item of clothing?
dresses! =D

if you could go anywhere in the world
for a vacation where would you go?
Europe. beautiful

what colour is your bathroom?
maroon and white. dont ask.

favourite brand of clothing?
none.

where would you retire to?
mecca/madinah. insyallah.

what was the most recent memorable
birthday celebration?
i dont really celebrate birthdays. yes, pathetic.

favourite sport to watch?
SOCCER!! long live LIVERPOOL!

favourite sayin?
Suka ah!

when is your birthday?
16 November 1990

are you a morning or night person?
NIGHTT!

what is your shoe size?
9/10/11, depending on the shoe's cutting. yes i have BIG feet!

pets?
none. i cant be bothered to care for them.

any new and exciting news to share?
new - yes. exciting - i dont think so. =D

what did you want to become when you
were young?
TEACHER. hahahahaha. oh gosh, i CHANGED my mind TOTALLY since!

how are you today?
sick but alhamdulillah, still breathing.

what is your favourite flower?
DAISIES!! =D

what is a day on the calendar you are
lookin forward to?
start of Ramadhan. =)

what is your full name?
NUR ATIKAH AMALINA BTE MOHD ZAINI BIN SARDEK BIN HAJI HASSAN. =D

what was the last thing you ate?
chicken fried rice from my absolutely favourite malay stall in marsiling. =D

do you wish on stars?
for what? straight to ALLAH. =)

if you were a crayon what color would
you be?
REDDDDDDDD

how is the weather rite now?
cooling. should have played in the rain just now. =P

last person you talked to on the
phone?
F. for my wakeup call. =)

favourite soft drink?
coke

favourite restaurant?
if you'd place me at gunpoint, then i'd choose Hyatt Regency Hotel JB for their High Tea. =D

hair color?
its no longer virgin, but i should say dark brown. =D

sibling?
2 younger and VERY irritating brothers who i love like nuts.

favourite day of the year?
1 Ramadhan

fav childhood toy?
bantal busuk aku yang dah lama dibuang. =)

summer or winter?
summer

hugs or kisses?
hugs

choc or vanilla?
choc

when was the last time you cried?
recently. that's enough. =)

who is your friend you have had the
longest?
shir? it was difficult to maintain friendships back then, in fact it still is. =)

what did you do last night?
SLEEPING MARATHON

favourite smell?
i dont know the name of that men's cologne, but mixed with sweat, YUMMY. =D and no, its not F's cologne

what are you afraid of?
Allah and getting hurt

plain, buttered or salted popcorn?
SWEET. yes, i know its not in the options. =)

how many keys on your key ring?
6. yes, some are just unnecessary metal hanging there.

how many years at your current job?
i dont get paid as a student. =(

favourite day of the week?
my only free day - SATURDAAAAAY

how many towns have you lived in?
1

do you make friends easily?
YOU THINK? hehe.
acquaintances - YES.
Good friends - maybe.
Close friends - no

---------------------------------------------
COPY AND PASTE THIS. DO NOT THINK OF
THE QUESTION. JUST WRITE ANYTHING THAT
COMES TO MIND.

I AM: sick
I WANT: to sleep
I HAVE: a headache now!
I WISH: to get out of the mess i caused
I HATE: being fickle-minded
I FEAR: dying without having a chance to repent
I SEARCH: for love and encouragement
I WONDER: why people are just so inconsiderate and self-absorbed
I REGRET: not saying the truth
I LOVE: my family
I DANCE: alone. in my room. when i'm HIGH.
I CRY: when enough is enough
I WRITE: prose when i'm feeling mushy
I WIN: everyone's heart. =)
I LOSE: myself in darkness
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: love and will
I SHOULD: sleep

----------------------

YES or NO

YOU KEEP A DIARY: is this blog counted?
YOU LIKE TO COOK: YES YES YES!!!
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED
WITH ANYONE: duh!
YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: YES. but i also believe love brings along with it pain. (except of course, love for Allah and His Messenger. =D)

---------------------------------

THE WEIRDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: i need to choose?
THE LOUDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: myself? haha.
THE CUTEST PERSON (s) YOU KNOW: aniq!!! he's a baby btw
THE PERSON THAT KNOWS THE MOST ABOUT
YOU: good question. F, without a doubt.
THE LAST THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH: tomorrow i shall not waste more time, insyallah.

----------------------------

DO YOU...?

HAVE A CRUSH: YES
WANT TO GET MARRIED: DEFINITELY!! =D
GET MOTION SICKNESS: yup
HEALTH FREAK: I WISH
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: i guess
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: ABSOLUTELY LOVE!
-------------------------

FAVORITE

NUMBER: 16
COLOUR: RED
DAY: saturday
MONTH: Ramadhan
SONG: Hantaran Puteri Gunung Warisan - Dikir Temasek
FOOD: I have loads. =)
SEASON: Rainy
SPORT: SOCCER and RUGBY. the latter has its own sentimental reasons. =)
DRINKS : tea/mocha/JAVA CHIP!

------------------

PREFERENCES

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: Cuddle
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: HOT CHOCOLATE
DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: White
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: chocolate
-----------------------------
IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...

CRIED? no
HELPED SOMEONE? yup. =)
BOUGHT SOMETHING? fooood
GONE TO THE MOVIES? nope
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? YES
SAID "I LOVE YOU"?: did i?
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: HAHAHAHA. email to cikgu. =D
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? was too tired.
MISSED SOMEONE? maybe. =D
HUGGED SOMEONE? i wish.
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? Nope, alhamdulillah
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? nooope
-----------------------------

Would you ever:

1. Eat a bug? - NO
2. Join the army? – Maybe
3. Hang glide? – YES
4. Kill someone? - nope. naudzubillah
5. Kiss someone of the same sex? - HAHA. done that. =D
6. Have sex with someone of the same
sex? - EWW no thanks. males only please.
7. Parachute from a plane? - LOVE TO
9. Go out with someone for their
looks? - if i have nothing better to do.
10. For their reputation? - refer to the answer above
11. Become a vegetarian? - NOPE. i love chickens too much. =D
12. Wear plaid with stripes? - EWWW
13. Instant Message a stranger? - HAHAHA. yah
14. Sing Karaoke? - Maybeee
15. Get drunk off your ass? - not anymore.
16. Shoplift? - NOPE
17. Run a red light? - yeah. for the right reasons okay! =)
18. Star in a porn video? - NOPE
19. Dye your hair blue? - NO
20. Be on Survivor? - I have better things to do, thank you very much
21. Wear makeup in public? - yah maybe
24. Make someone cry? - HAHAHAHAH. =)
25. Marry a chick more than 10 year
older than you? - chick? nooooo. MAN- yeah maybe. Love is blind remember.
26. Stay up all night? - done that. =D

Who did you last:

1. Think of: Abang Naz!
2. Miss: Shir
3. Kiss: i shall not answer this question
4. Like: A.H

okaaay, i have completed this thing. HAHAH. susah siottt. hahahaha.. =D
and there are loads of ants on my table. yucks.

2007-04-14T22:27:00.000+08:00

Salaam guys.

Alhamdulillah, SAJC MIQ team is in the finals. =D
I nearly died choking on stage but that’s another matter.

Admittedly, my busy schedule has led me to neglect things that used to mean so much to me. There just isn’t time to ponder about anything anymore. Everything is just about do, do, do. I’ve been made to be a machine that’s not supposed to have any feelings. I’m just supposed to do what is expected, what is instructed. It doesn’t matter whether or not I understand or even like what I’m doing. Nobody cares. Everybody is being forced into a mould to fit society. So much for breaking societal norms!

Once again, I am immensely grateful for MiQ. The quest for knowledge is wonderful. I enjoy studying for it. Of course, there are times when I just want to crush the papers, burn the books, off the laptop, and just go to sleep. My sleeping duration has decreased thanks to this cause, but I’m not complaining. Speaking in economic terms, the amount of utility I derive from this competition is humongous! It’s so even though the amount of sacrifices made is also comparable. ~~not to mention the fragility of my relationship!~~ yang gatal nak berboyfriend time skolah kenapa??

Btw, I scalded my left middle finger, which means I typed this whole entry with one hand! Waaaaah… hahahah. =D

**************

4 years back, I would have never imagined I would be having the lifestyle that I practice today. Just a few hours back, I attended the Umrah Preparation Course conducted by TM Fouzy at Darussalam Mosque in Clementi, together with my beloved Shafiqah, who is going off to the holy cities to conduct her umrah in June, insyallah.

Honestly, the main reason I went was for the zikir munajat session. Subhanallah, the first time I went for it, I nearly cried. The ustadz conducting it had such a beautiful voice, singing praises to Allah SWT, but that wasn’t it. It was the du’aa, the praises to Him, the realization that you are but His servant who was placed on earth with a reason. That you are someone so small, who’d conducted so much sins, but repented few. The realization that the world is something so momentary, that there’s something after this life, the Hereafter that many fail to prepare for. It was there when my past came rushing back, so vividly.

Who are we really? What right do we have to judge one another?
When was the last time you actually took the time to sit down before Him, and recite the zikr? When was the last time you actually did something wrong and immediately repent?
I am not here to judge.
Your faith is a matter between you and Allah swt only.
I know how it sucks when someone who have absolutely no knowledge about your life and who you are, randomly makes a comment about you, which of course, aims to make you feel horrible and rotten about yourself. Been there done that

I am here to remind, because, I know how it feels to be astray from Him, far from Him.

I spent much of my secondary school life being a wreck. Most of you know that by now. Those were the days when the whole world seemed to be against me, when life wasn’t worth living anymore, when the supposedly halcyon days were spent throwing my future down the drain.
The scars on my wrist serves to be a reminder of how stupid I was.
The constant blackouts and migraines are the consequences of years of delinquency.
Then, nothing seemed to matter. As long as I had my supply of cigarettes and alcohol, I was good to go. Astaghfirullah. This is not a show of pride, this is to show that no matter how hardcore you were, no matter how far you’ve strayed, there’s always a path back into the light. His love is never ending. It is really up to you to decide on your future path. He shall always be there to forgive you. Never forget that.

If I can change from being a suicidal teenage girl, to embracing Islam as THE faith, then so can you. Insyallah.

God Bless. =)

“Know that the life of this world is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children, as the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter (there is) a severe torment (for the disbelievers and evil-doers) and there is forgiveness from Allaah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the believers, good doers), whereas the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment.” (Al-Hadeed 57:20)

2007-04-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

Slow and steady wins the race

Dear Allah, I’m eternally grateful to you for crossing my life’s path with these people.
Dear Sufi and Fadilah, you guys are wonderful wonderful people who deserve to love and be loved.

SA or should I say wali-wali Andrews got through the quarters and will be competing in the semis for MIQ. Subhanallah, it was an amazing experience, despite certain glitches here and there. Just being there, made me feel like such a fool, for not knowing the answers to the questions. Alhamdulillah, some I actually knew how to answer 8 richter!, and the feeling of pride just fills up. Wow, the first few rounds were quite nerve-wrecking, and we were still at ground-zero! the first question that we actually got to answer was a question asked by vjc, and i had coincidentally asked the exact same question to sufi the previous night! alhamdulillah. so "SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE" stands once again. =D

The thirst for knowledge is unquenchable, and I have MIQ to thank for that. The desire to be in the finals is evident, but all in all, I’m grateful to be a participant of this competition because of the realization that emerged from within, that knowledge goes so much further beyond textbooks and classroom, which actually makes Singapore’s education system quite irrelevant and somewhat useless for most students, who are absolutely ignorant, naïve, and freaking sheltered from the real world. Something definitely has to be done.

The amount of time that was spent to study for MiQ was well-spent with the team. The above picture was taken at 9.45pm outside National Library, long after we were asked to leave the place. We went there after maghrib to view the AKSARA exhibition, and had to rush through the artefacts since we had less than one hour to really look through it. The place was QUIET, and we were trying in vain to talk loudly so as to not feel scared. HAHA. it was THAT quiet! i'm expecting more 'mugging' sessions in national library for the 3 of us. MAN, i'm falling in love with that big place. omg! i'm turning to be a MUGGER!! -_-""

The migraines and panic attacks are back. The result of years of stupidity is daunting me. It happened during miq, subhanallah, I wanted to cry there and then. I never realized that I actually nearly fell off my chair. These touch-and-go attacks are getting on me. Trust me, its scary when you only realized you fell down the stairs only when your head hit the ground. I cried that first time. Luckily the pizza I was holding on to saved my head from the impact. Unfortunately, the pizza didn’t quite survive, but that didn’t really matter to my brothers who still ate it.

My point is, this is disastrous. Is it psychological or is there something physically wrong with any part of my anatomy? I’m already going for tonsillitis removal operation which costs a bomb, please, let there not be any other illness that befall me. I don’t want to fear crossing the road, taking the stairs down, sitting on a chair, just because these attacks are happening. Ya allah, do help me.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I just got internet access for my laptop, Alhamdulillah. But I think it’ll be a true test of discipline. I’m actually supposed to do my econs essay now, keyword: SUPPOSED. Darn darn darn.

Shall. Need. To. Practice. Control.

~~i'm getting tired of balancing a relationship with school.~~

2007-04-04T09:00:00.000+08:00

WHAT MALAY/MUSLIM?

Salam guys. =D
Yes, i am still ALIVE

can you actually believe that i'm in the school's comp lab, which basically means that the only free time that i'm able to go online is IN SCHOOL?!?!
wtfish?
ironies of ironies.
so yes, i'm currently ~~fucked-up~~ drained and could possible resemble a dried tofu. no, not in size, ~~i wish~~ i'm still an XL. HAH!

my life is currently revolving around two places,
a)SCHOOL
B)HOME
which basically sums up the fact that my practically non-existent life is in a pathetic state right now. the only time i get to breathe fresh air, is on Sunday during PERGAS. whaaaat?!?!

oh and i HAVE got to mention this, MiQ is THE highlight!
thanks to the psycho members of SAJC MiQ team and the FMSA team, which makes the equation sums up to WHOLE loads of FUN.
WHO ACTUALLY TRANSLATES ST ANDREW'S JC TO MAKTAB RENDAH WALI ANDREWS???
classic, really.
so next time, instead of referring ourselves as saints, lets go for WALI-WALI instead alright? =D
inside joke: Wali-wali andrews mengucapkan ribuan terima kasih kepada our brothers-in-islam, Brother Omar and Brother M.Daud Kilau-wannabe, kerana membantu kami dalam Kembara MiQ. May Allah bless their souls. =DDD

PS: SAJC MiQ team rocks lah! Kembara was unforgettable. Despite losing our champions title for the race, guess who had the most fun? =D

*******
on another note, did you see me on tv being interviewed?
woah, i did say some nasty nasty stuff, but AS USUAL, they actually cut that part out. How the hell are the YOUTHS supposed to voice out their opinions when its constantly being stamped down everytime its aired? *smirks* oh well, maybe i'm just being too critical on the state of what the MALAY/MUSLIM society has become.

MALAY/MUSLIM?!
so what happened to the chinese/muslim, indian/muslim etc societies? are they not muslims too?
have you ever heard of a case of an indian/muslim being TURNED DOWN when he seeked financial help from *insert name of muslim organisation* because he was NOT MALAY?
what @#!^##$^%$ sense does that make?!
and are they so naive to not realise that there are Malays who are Christians? Trust me, i have 3 MALAY friends who converted to that faith.

BE AN INCLUSIVE MUSLIM SOCIETY!

its high time that we change the mentality of ALL singaporeans. by constantly splashing out the term "MALAY/MUSLIM" everywhere, the wrong signals are being sent to the other communities in Singapore. Practically all my friends here in SA are confused and taken aback when they found out that two of their fellow Chinese friends are Muslim. Aren't Muslims malays?

The terms "race" and "religion" has been too intertwined with one another that the line dividing these two has been reduced to shreds. it's pathetic.

have you ever realised how our muslim brothers from bangalore are treated in mosques if you go there? i feel like slapping the officials, especially when there's events like the EidAdha celebration and the recent Maulid celebrations.
Why the fish are they treated like non-equals, like nobodies, like SHIT, when they are actually coming forward to do a good deed?
Why can't your voice be gentle when you talk to them?
Don't treat them like they're nuinsance and pests!
Nak harapkan orang Melayu kita datang masjid tolong, jangan haraplah... Yang datang pun makcik-makcik, pakcik-pakcik. ada youths pulak... kirim salam lah... treated like shit too.
What superiority do you have over them?!

This is also asserted in a tradition of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings of God be upon him, which states; "0 Mankind, your lord is one and your father is one. You all descend from Adam, and Adam was created from earth. He is most honoured among you in the sight of God who is most upright. No Arab is superior to a non-Arab, no coloured person to a white person, or a white person to a coloured person except by taqwa. - Reported by Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi on the authority of Abu' Nadhrah. The line of men in its narration were described by Al-Haithami as reliable.

In another tradition, the Prophet, peace and blessings of God be upon him, was asked : "Who among men is most favoured by God?" He replied : "A man who does the most good to people."[2] -Reported by Al-Tabarani and others on the authority of Ibn Umar

Embrace Islam.
Be Inclusive.
Alternate the languages used for khutbah, syarahan, classes.
Malays are not the only Muslims in Singapore.

Do your part.

STOP SPROUTING NONSENSE : WHAT MALAY/MUSLIM?!

2007-04-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

i am so ~~fucked-up~~ drained like a dried piece of tofu. dont mind the ideology

my life officially revolves:
a)School
b)Home

When was the last time i actually spent time with friends who are not in SAJC?!

Yes, alhamdulillah, I'M STILL ALIVE. woohoo!

ps:

I WON 3RD FOR TPJC PIDATO!! =DDDD

okay, pathetic. i shall come back in a clearer state of mind.
I HAVE LOADS TO WRITE ABOUT LAHHH.

2007-03-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

OMG!

i was reading the previous post and my jaw literally dropped.

WOW!
~~yucks!~~

anyway, good news: SUFI AND I HAVE COMPLETED OUR FILMING FOR GEMILANG!
finally, after HOURS of sweat, pain, and frustration (IM NOT KIDDING!), we finally got it done. you cannot imagine what we've gone through just to get this @^@$^#%#^# 30 seconds video. from being stuck in the rain sharing one SMALL umbrella, to running to a half-renovated shelter that is strewn with contractor stuff, to getting sick, we've been there, done that. AND, after immense planning to film at washington park, WHICH WE DID for FOUR hours but both cameras went flat, it started to rain, and the last decent shot we took was deleted, we finally did it it in school in LESS THAN ONE HOUR! sesungguhnya ia mencabar kesabaranku. =D

so one competition preparation down, two more to go.

which reminds me.
I have yet to prepare for pidato, which *suprise surprise* is in exactly a week!
darn darn darn darn!
my rate of progress? nil, zilch, zero, nada, KOSONG!
but its ok, dont panic. it can and SHALL be done! GO ATIKAH GO! =D

aaaand, MIQ'S written test is tomorrow and i ALSO have not done anything. which is quite irresponsible of me. not quite, VERY. well, at least, i've completed translating and finding extra questions to those that sufi gave. which is alhamdulillah. TEDIOUS lah. and i just found out that the empire of faith videos over at youtube has THREE parts and each lasts for about ONE HOUR! great. there goes my plan to do last minute work. gaaaah! nevermind. PERSEVERE! insyallah, boleh lah...

WHY have i actually been unable to do anything really for the past week? HAHA. good question.

answer?
TONSILLITIS.
the bigbangboom word!
man, i think this is really getting out of hand. i was already sick on sunday, got caught in the downpour on monday on the way to school, and got a gift in the form of a fever of 38.7 degrees PLUS the flu bug. nice. so did you really expect me to get anything done this week? kirim salam laah.
EVEN with my screwed condition, my mum still refuses to let me go for the operation. keeps throwing reasons here and there.
I'D RATHER NOT EAT FRIED/SPICY FOOD FOR A MONTH THAN HAVE THIS RECURRING SICKNESS!
hopefully, the ~~hot~~ doctor would be able to convince her that REMOVING (HAH!) the tonsils is the best option, during our appointment this monday..

PLEASE DOC PLEASE... ;D

I think my entries are becoming more and more nonsensical. WTFish??
Maybe its because my eyes are only half-open.
Yeah maybe.

HAHA.

the educated me WILL BE BACK! hahahaha. =D

2007-03-17T11:21:00.000+08:00

As I Look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life's worth a thousand skies
You're the simplest love I've known
and the purest one I'll own
no you'll never be alone

Salam guys.

I am such a sucker for love songs. and weddings.
Thank god the boyfriend is half-matjiwang. HAHA.
Lets see, how about combining my ultimate love song and HIS ultimate love song?
Marc Anthony's My Baby You AND Engelbert Humperdinck's A Man Without Love
WOAH.
mush overload!

yes, im actually supposed to be doing TWO things now, [blogging isnt exactly one of it]
a) Research for pidato's topic Pendidikan penentu Kejayaan [translation: Education determines success]
b) Find some ideas or concepts for introductory video for GEMILANG 2007. need something that has impact! HELP?

to be fair, i did spend the first hour or so doing such, but jeng jeng jeng.. Here i am now. i actually should be at mount faber with sufi for the filming but since both of us are ~~lazyasses~~ tired, him from mugging and myself from god-knows-what, we decided to cancel the whole game plan and film the thing in school instead. darn. that explains the fact why we need to get a BOOMBANGCRASH effect for the video! darn darn darn. i am so easily distracted! hahaha..

Thank god i only concentrate on ONE F! HAHA!

Since i've already touched on "F", i might as well continue right? =D

You see, i believe that your significant other shoudlnt only be THE OTHER, you know? i believe he should be MORE than that. and alhamdulillah, i found that in F.

He's my best friend, my confidante, my punching bag, and movie kaki, amongst others. in the short span that we've known each other, alhamdulillah, he knows me best, from my past history, my likes and dislikes, my love for food [hah!], my screwed childhood and whatnot. never have i met someone who i can talkandtalkandtalk with so comfortably and freely, without having the fear of being judged. and being the violent person that i am, he has received quite a fair bit of punches/pinches/etc from yourstruly. not to mention the fact that he'd already taken much of my nonsense, panic attacks, and mood swings in his stride. did i mention that we nearly broke up twice? and i caused him to cry? WTFish? No one has cried because of me okaaaaay!! and yes, both times he played the role of mediator and asked me to come back. HAHA. jahat siot. and alhamdulillah, we are on stable ground now.

seing a significant change in F is suprisingly, satisfying. you see, being a typical[read:generalised] 23 year old mat, he doesnt solat. it was already alhamdulillah for my part that he didnt indulge in drugs/alcohol, because if he did, i'd probably wont even cast him a second glance. i still remember that date, which according to F, was the one that tied him down to me [#@!^$@???]. it was after dikir practice, and we went to have dinner. after which, he was about to send me home, but as i looked at the watch, i knew it was impossible to reach home in time for maghrib, so i asked him to stop by the nearest mosque for solat. i even asked him "You kalau keluar dengan kawan tak solat ke?" [You dont pray when you go out with your friends?] i knew he was suprised, perhaps a tad bit uncomfortable too. but we did stop for maghrib before he drove me home. THAT was before we got together. Yesterday, he told me that day he could have actually just sat in the car and waited for me WITHOUT praying, but for some reason, he actually felt that he should, and that because of THAT incident, he pursued me. WOAH! but yes, now we do stop for prayers, and alhamdulillah, he's attempting to learn to read the Quran. =D

its good to know that someone loves you for who you are.
education gap doesnt matter. so what?
F's stable, he loves me.
It takes two hands to clap my friend.
We'll work together to make it work and have a good life.

=D

2007-03-16T22:32:00.001+08:00

Salam guys.

Its high time i actually update this blog of mine. Life's been crazy, and sweet at the same time. heee. =D

Lets see..

1) I have fully come to terms with my relationship with F.
What started of as friendship has evolved into alhamdulillah, a full love-infused commitment for both parties. it has also, been given the GREEN light by BOTH families, which is enough a reason for joy. Yes, admittedly, we started out on a VERY ROUGH patch, with fights and quarrels every week, entirely due to the fact that we still needed to adjust to each other and figure which way to go together. The flight gradually smoothens with significant sacrifices being made by both parties and much heart-to-heart talks, and alhamdulillah, we are where we are today, and hopefully, it'll last.

Yes, I'm 17, very much in love with a 23-year-old guy who is already planning for marriage. Honestly, it's good that he's planning for a lifetime commitment, but i dare say, i'm just living by the day. Should our jodoh be with each other, alhamdulillah. Till akad is said, effort shall continously be made to make it work, insyAllah.

Eherm...

Another reason for me to stick with F is the fact that yes, i have met his mum. the meeting (at his home and car), was alhamdulillah, a success. =D

Never have i imagined i was able to feel so much for someone. I thought i was in love with A.Hafiz, but i was wrong.

THIS is love. THIS time its for real.

And i'll always pray that i'll love F for Him, so that i can bring us together to the right path and never shall we steer towards wrong, insyAllah. Never have i felt so worried for someone who had an accident before. Never have i felt so happy to see a loved one pray. =)

2) I have 3 competitions under my belt. (Which is absolutely crazy)

a. Pidato @ TPJC
b. Pengacaraan @ Gemilang
c. MIQ @ FMSA

Honestly, i'm only focusing on (a) and (b); (c) is still under KIV mode because my general knowledge isnt what you can exactly say be in top form, no matter the fact that i have been reading the newspapers conscientiously (HAH!) for the past 2-3 weeks. my gosh, i never knew reading newspapers can be so time consuming AND tiring! yes, i actually take the effort to read EVERY single article, which of course, feeds me with loads of information [read:OVERLOAD!]. you should try it sometime. HAHA. =D

my mind has unfortunately not readjusted to school mode yet, so yes, my preparations for these competitions are still on snail mode. HAH. every time i try to do research and/or prepare for them, say like now, i end up distracting myself and do something else. @!#%$@$@!%^$. So yes, lets wait for school to reopen, wait for myself to be killed, then i shall go full force...

and why the heck should i be killed? HAHAHA.

you see, i just henna-ed my hands during my trip to kampung! and i didnt only did it on my nails, its on my fingers too! (which means i easily get mistaken for a just-married-bride) darn darn darn. i have my doubts about it fading before school starts in 2 days time.. HAHA. padan muka! gatal sangat kenapa? HAHAHAH.

Darn, i have loads more to tell, but since im not in school mode, im getting restless! and someone at the other side of singapore [read:bedok] is waiting for my call. =D

ps: sorry to all my friends whom i said to that you'd get tired of your significant other if you meet everyday. I WANT TO MEET F EVERYDAY! heeee.

2007-03-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

i never knew that flying doubles could be this difficult.
what happens when you realise that you're too young for it?
what happens when you know you cant let go of your partner because its too cruel to let go just without a concrete reason?

its about to be a month now, and he's already talking about marriage waaaay earlier. admittedly, its good to plan, but isnt it a tad bit too early? how do i voice out this concern of mine, without making it seem that i have no confidence in this relationship? how do i ask him to slow down and take things slowly.

how do i scream to him I'M 17!!!

perhaps, it was a fault on my part to actually agree to be in a relationship with a 23-year-old guy who doesnt fool around. perhaps it was my fault for falling for someone who is stable enough to make me feel safe. but its a bit too much isnt it?

but sometimes,
there are just certain decisions you have to stick by..
and just hope you wont regret it.

2007-03-06T12:23:00.000+08:00

NRIC : S90xxxxxC
Name : NUR ATIKAH AMALINA BTE MOHD Z

1. The results of your application are as follows:
Posted Institution : ST ANDREW'S JUNIOR COLLEGE
Course Name : ST ANDREW'S JUNIOR COLLEGE (ARTS)
Course Code : 30A
2. If you are posted to a JC/MI, please report to the JC/MI on 7 Mar 2007 at 7.30am. If you are posted to a Polytechnic/ITE, an enrolment package with the relevant enrolment details will be sent to you.
3. If you wish to apply for a transfer to a particular course, you should approach the institution concerned directly. The institution concerned will inform you of the outcome of your application.

So there it is. My fate for the next 2 years have been sealed. I shall be a Saint, and i cant help realising that my parent (or more specifically, my mum) had been hoping against hope that i'd get into NJC, instead. I fully understand the reason why. Looking at the fact that not a single malay from SAJC, no make that no one (i think) got any good/fantastic results. oh well, i might as well be the first! =D insyAllah.

anyway, did you guys feel the tremors as a result from the 6.3 richter earthquake that happened at sumatra islands? I DID! woah. and i thought i was hallucinating until my mum alerted me about it too. hello, i was happily munching at the table when i actually felt the tremors on my butt and i saw the fake plant that my mum placed beside the tv console SWAYING! i mean, it couldnt be the effects of antibiotics right? i mean, i've consumed it for what? more that a week now, and only now i hallucinate? KELAKAR APA? wow. its only tremors here and everybody's panicking. i just watched CNA and the tremors caused quite a commotion in the cbd area and also toa payoh (SO YES I WASNT HALLUCINATING!). imagine what's happening and what the indonesians are feeling? i wonder... Subhanallah.

so yes, this entry is supposed to be a DUH entry.

anyway tho, nope, its not hafiz. he is GONE from the pages of my life. HAHAH. ni orang lain.. and i'm going to meet his mum next week. *faints*

2007-02-27T11:03:00.000+08:00

I need to get a life.

REALLY! its not random. Hold on, actually it is.

You see, this is what happens to a girl who cant just relax, in its true beautiful meaning. At least, in school lah.

Speaking of which, I’m currently in the school library now, ~~skipping~~ not attending H1 CSE China Studies in English lesson, because I was doped into signing up for it, but that is a whole entire different story in my life’s chapter.

And I am bored out of my RED shoes.

I’m not used to this lah. I’ve even be called ALIEN by people who couple up that compliment with that quizzical look of theirs whenever I say… I don’t skip lessons. If I actually make the effort to wake up before Subuh, and make my way down to this school of mine which is situated next to a canal that I’m absolutely in love with (because I love water!), then I shall go for lesson. If I don’t actually intend to gain knowledge and instead slack around in the cafeteria or ‘slacking area’ playing card games – which I only know taiti - , then I might as well stay at home and continue my sleep after carrying out my subuh prayers right?

So yeah, maybe I’m weird. That’s just too bad. People still love me, right? HAHA.

So since this is a VERY random entry, which I’ve not done for quite some time, I shall prove to you that I’m normal, and thus perfectly capable of ranting on and on and on about me, myself and I. Great. Whopedoo!

For those who are still reading this even after loads of crap in the previous paragraphs, WOW. Haha. You must really care about my life, or maybe you’re just bored too. =D So I shall sate your longings.

If you’re a sadistic person who just reads other people blog to make sure that their lives are boring, which ultimately prove that YOUR life isn’t and thus makes you feel better, then TOO BAD. My life isn’t so boring after all.

Lets see..

Did I mention that I’m no longer flying solo..?
Yup, I’ve taken up a stable partner, F.
I’ve got to admit, my normally smooth flight has occasionally taken a bumpy turn. We’ve yet to get used to flying together.
But I shall not talk about him here. We’ll talk personally about this matter (meaning in person, face to face, if I feel like ranting about him with you. =D)

I’m suddenly an active member of MCS, for god-knows-what reasons. I have 3 competitions under my belt now, WOW, and evidently, I have no idea how the teachers got hold of my number, or even know I exist, since I don’t take Malay lessons, courtesy of Higher Malay in secondary school. Oh well, I guess Malay and public speaking are 2 components that I can’t run away from.

AND,
I’M HAVING SURGERY DURING THE JUNE HOLIDAYS, insyaallah.

What surgery?
Plastic surgery and liposuction.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

gila ke?
I’m comfortable in my own skin alhamdulillah. And F loves me as it is, even telling me to keep my love for eating. HAHA. Cantik ah!

I’ll be going for surgery to remove my tonsillitis. The condition’s going from bad to worse. It usually gets swollen once in 2 months, at most, once a month, but I had 3 cases since last month to date! And now, there’s pus and its too swollen(which makes eating painful, and my increasing reliance on liquidated foodstuff), so after much putting off and reluctance (from the parents), its been decided that I shall remove it via surgery at NUH. Must visit me ok? HAHA. And bring DAISIES! *rolls eyes*

Speaking of hospitals, the bills are EXPENSIVE LAH!!
I went for a first checkup yesterday and the original cost (without subsidy) was nearly $240! I would have paid that price if my GP didn’t tell me to get a referral from the polyclinics instead! WTH? And what did the doctor do? He just poked something through my nose that somehow got to my throat (our ears, nose and throat are connected you see) so he can see the condition of my tonsils. Imagine something alien going through your nose and at the same time having something stuck in your throat! OUCCCH!
He did that twice, through both nostrils, and guess how much that costs by itself? $150! Pengsan beb!

Anyway, time check :11.33 am.

Darn!! My next lesson is at 1pm and its H2 Maths lecture! Darn darn darn. I have a choice to leave school at 12.45pm. should I..?
Don’t get me wrong. I love maths! Its just the lecturers I don’t like, AT ALL. She’s just an overqualified person who doesn’t really give a damn. *makcik mode on* So who suffers when graduates cant get a job and turn to teaching because of its stable nature? Students lah… *makcik mode off*

I cant do this. I cant stand this mundane situation. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!

I think I shall go eat. Then get some work, any work done.
This is absolutely killing me.

See, I told you I need a life. =D

WOW, this whole entry is REALLY just rants of ME, MYSELF AND I! splendid! *rolls eyes* I’d probably delete this. But hey, its for the good of my sanity right? HAHA.

2007-02-23T22:27:00.000+08:00

Wash the dirt

Suppose that two firemen go into a forest to put out a small fire. Afterwards, when they emerge and go over to a stream, the face of one is all smeared with black, while the other man’s face is completely clean.

The question is this : which of the two will wash his face?

That’s a silly question. The one with the dirty face of course.

No, the one with the dirty face will look at the other man and assume that he looks like him. And, vice versa, the man with the clean face will see his colleague covered in grime and say to himself : I must be dirty too. I’d better have a wash. -The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

What happens when you decide to take a brave step and embrace someone of the opposite sex to be your significant other? Do you experience the same thing as above? Do you look at him/her and see your supposed reflection?

What if he/she is a negative influence? What if suddenly your seemingly perfect world becomes off-center? What if your imaan suddenly shows signs of weaknesses?

BUT,

He/she experiences the exact opposite.

He changes for the better. He takes more notice for his religious duties. He becomes more stable.

What do you do?

You sit down in front of the mirror, slap yourself, take wudhu', and sit before Him for answers!

Dont drag yourself down that old road again. Stand your ground and dont take on his negative traits. You may hurt him in the process, but would you rather sink with in the quicksand? Strengthen your imaan, seek His help, and walk hand-in-hand through the obstacles to come out stronger than ever, as humans, as Muslims, and as partners.

Because trust me, love is the only rational act.

2007-02-14T23:07:00.000+08:00

You know the trouble with having too many ACQUAINTANCES?

Its when you realise that you mean so little to so many people.

So who are your FRIENDS?

If I die tonight, will YOU cry for me? More importantly, will YOU pray for me?

Would you even CARE?

Lets stop disillusioning ourselves shall we?

Thank you Allah for giving me another chance to love.

2007-02-09T18:13:00.000+08:00

Delirium of Joy! =D

From tears of disappointment to screams of joy.
From crazed anticipation to frenzied mania.
It was a colourful show of emotions.

Alhamdulillah.

My prayers have been answered, although i was hoping for better.
funny how the subjects I thought i'd screwed, I got better than expected and vice versa. and also the number of could be A1s. $!#%#$#@

And the school cheated my feelings! Haha. and i cried because of it. HAHA.
you see, my aim was to be on stage - top 10%, meaning 7 DISTINCTIONS and above, but i wasnt, as in I didnt get to go on stage.

and guess what i GOT?

7 DISTINCTIONS!

HAHA. see how easily my tears flowed for once??

so being the paranoid person that i am, or was, i didnt look at my results when i got the slip. i ran to cikgu maimoon (OUT OF ALL PEOPLE! =D) and asked her to review it for me. only with her smile did i take a peek at my results.

AND I SCREAMED ON THE SPOT!

English - A2
C. Humans - B3
Mathematics - A2
A. Maths - A2
Physics - A1
Chemistry - B3
Higher Malay - A1
Malay Literature - A2
Malay - A1
Raw L1R5 - 10

Alhamdulillah. I was disappointed with both Maths and Humans. Sastera A2? oh man.. and i was expecting A1 for both Maths lah!! But Physics got me high. For the first time in my exam-based life, i was awarded an A1. CAYALAH ATIKAH! too bad mr loh wasnt there or i would have hugged him!

But as the saying goes, whats done cannot be undone.
Its not the end of the world if i didnt get to be on stage or get a single-digit L1R5.
I still managed to make my parents proud. and my excited dad who's in acheh for some business trip called me even before i got my results. HAHA. i love my dad. =D
So my duty as a daughter has been fulfilled. Alhamdulillah.

So NOW,
SAJC OR NJC?
90% vs 10%.
how?

2007-02-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

Insight - Commitment or Routine?

Salam guys.

I’ve a story to tell you. I know it should be about Singapore winning the ASEAN cup blah blah blah, but its not. =D

Every morning, at exactly 7 in the morning,(I know, because I’d always look at my watch), or maybe even as early as 6.45, since God-knows-when (I’ve only realised it last year, which goes to show how bloody ignorant I was.), the sound of music (HAH!) from a VERY FUNCTIONING radio (I live on the 12th storey and I can still hear it!) will be heard. What music? The accompanying music to the Chinese art of taichi. YES. Every morning, even on Sundays, without fail, a group of ~~aunties~~ elderly Chinese ladies, and the occasional men, would gather at the park, which is situated right beside my block, to do taichi. If it rains, they will do their taichi at the multi-purpose hall nearby. Day in, day out, these group of people will kickstart their day with the art of taichi.

Why am I mentioning this?

Do you sense the commitment?
Or would you rather take it as a routine?
That these people put themselves through every single day.
With the same tune.
The same steps.
The same people.

Is it because they are too used to it? Or do they actually value the hour they spend every day doing the same thing?

Lets bring the topic closer to home, to heart.

Do you sometimes feel obliged to do something because you’re comfortable in it? Because it’s the safest thing to do? Because its stupid to you and to everyone else if you were to ever take a risk, jump out of your comfort zone.

Have you ever felt that you’ve had enough of something? Enough of school? Enough of that job that pays you mediocrely? Enough of that same activity that you do everyday but never seemed to get anything out of it? Enough of that relationship?

*Would you get involved in a relationship just because it’s the safest thing to do? Would you convince yourself that you’re in love with a guy just because he loves you and would do anything, ANYTHING, just so that you’d be his, making your life a comfortable routine? Would you believe that you’ve forgotten an old flame, just because you’re tired of waiting for a definite answer? Would you say YES to a commitment that your heart was never into, but you were happy to be in, just to see someone change for the better, and stick with it because you’re scared of change and whatever the future holds?

Imagine being one of the aunties (or uncles). Should one day, you suddenly wake up and think, “I’m sick of taichi, how about I try something new today?”. Would you follow that thought, and seek out other morning activities that you can actually do? Or would you hold on to that wonderful thought for a while, until you actually step out of the house, and consciously seek your taichi group, because you’re too scared to venture out and make new friends, seek new opportunities. Too scared to face something that is by far uncertain.

*Writing is a remedy. What I’m trying to convey to you, I’m trying to digest and practise myself.

The question is, are we willing to forego our own safe judgement, and seek the more fulfilling path?

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is, no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were, and become who you are. - The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

2007-02-04T00:59:00.000+08:00

Would you refuse a guy's love because you have yet to let go of the last one that crossed paths with you? Or would you just accept him and hope vainly that he'll be your antidote for a past failure - something that never ended because it never had a beginning in the first place?

2007-01-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

Why is it wrong for a j1 first-intaker to actually be doing work?
Why do people gasp and go "WEI, FIRST 3 MONTHS ONLY LAH! STUDY FOR WHAT?!" when they see you stay back to do your tutorials [because if you go home it'll never get done]?

Stupid mentality.

Do you really expect me to throw everything to one side and play like there's no tomorrow (which there will be insyallah) JUST BECAUSE ITS THE FIRST INTAKE?

Thanks, but no thanks.

I wont wait for everything to pile up and hit me at one go just because i wasted 3 months not doing what i'm supposed to do.
yes, i'm a nerd, or whatever you label people like me.
but hey, im the one to gain ANYWAY.

just because its first 3 months, it doesnt acknowledge me with the fact that i can waste my time right?
helloooo. if i had wanted to do that, i'd probably left my PAE form BLANK.

you go to school with an aim. dont tell me you go to school just because of guys (which is probably YOUR reason) or just spend time idling in the cafe (because you skipped classes). wake up for goodness sake. stop wasting your parents' hard-earned money to pay the school fees if you have no intention whatsoever to study. go out and EARN money. do something bloody meaningful. dont just parade around in your branded bags and shoes and whatever else that could possibly be branded and act pretty.

balance.
i'm not saying there's a need to study all the way. thats shit man.
you study AND you play.
be a success.
be someone who makes a difference.
dont just be a little black crow that gets shot down just because people think you're a nuinsance.

so yes, if you continue to live up to that screwed mentality of yours, then may God be with you.

and perhaps, try reading Paulo Coelho's books.
=D

*******

so yes, being a saint isn't so bad after all.
in fact, i'm grateful that i ended up HERE instead of...
you know... ANDJC.
So you see, the phrase We believe no one is here by chance stands. heh.
i LOVE the people, i love the environment, the teachers? omg. omg. omg.
if i had the chance to do so, i'd BEG vlee to come and teach!

just 2 weeks left before the supposed release of results day.
am i prepared?
yes - i've done my best, insyallah, God Willing, i'll be called on stage. =)
have i decided on which jc?
wallahua'lam.
the question remains.

hit me with the pros and cons of staying put in sajc. =D

2007-01-18T20:50:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.

Maal Hijrah is just around the corner. Its tomorrow in fact.

So how?

Fireworks anyone?

************

Entering the New Year
by Imâm al-Madîna al-Munawarrah 'Abdul Muhsin Ibn Muhammad al-Qâsim

All praise is due to Allâh, Lord of all the worlds. Peace and blessings of Allâh be upon the Prophet, his family and companions.

Dear brother! Take an investigating look at your past days: what have you provided for your Hereafter in them? Examine yourself stringently for this. Maymûn bin Mihrân said, “The man cannot become pious until he holds himself accountable as he would his business partner.” The rightly guided person is therefore the one who examines and blames himself for his shortcomings and then mends his ways. Lack of self-examination is not a good thing for a Muslim. For the disbelievers caused perdition to themselves because they never thought that there was someone watching them. Allâh says,

“For truly, they used not to expect any reckoning.” (An-Naba’ 78:27)

Seeing one’s faults prevents one from going astray. And knowing that one’s end is the grave makes one become humble to Allâh and prevents ostentation. Abû Dardâ said:

“The Muslim cannot have proper understanding of Islâm until he criticizes people for the sake of Allâh and criticizes himself more.”

Dear brother! When you sit with people, admonish yourself. People watch your outward deeds but Allâh watches your inner deeds. Whoever reforms his inward traits through self-examination and sincerity, Allâh will adorn his outward deeds with success.

Constant remembrance of Allâh’s right upon man and His great blessings makes man bows his head for Allâh as it makes him recognise his weaknesses. It also let him know that there is no salvation except by obeying Allâh and that He should be obeyed and thanked. A scholar said,

“The first step in self-examination is to compare Allâh’s blessings to your sins. Then it will be clear to you that you can never escape from His punishment except by His mercy only.”

Mâlik bin Dînâr said,

“May Allâh bless a man who tells his soul: ‘Are you not the perpetrator of so and so sins?’ And he then reproaches his soul and forces it to abide by the Book of Allâh.”

The most harmful thing that a legally responsible Muslim can do to himself is to abandon self-examination and to indulge in lusts until he perishes. This is actually the situation with those who are deceived by the beauties of this world and depend on Allâh’s forgiveness without making any repentance or abandoning the sins. Allâh says,

“O man! What has made you careless about your Lord, the Most Generous?” (Al-Infitâr 82:6)

Al-Hasan Al-Basrî said,

“A believer should admonish himself and say: ‘What do I intend by the word I utter? What do I intend by the food I eat?’ As for a disbeliever, he does never admonish himself. But the Muslim should always be a watcher over himself.”

Allâh says,

“Verily, those who are the pious, when an evil thought comes to them from Satan, they remember (Allâh), and (indeed) they then see (aright).” (Al-A‘râf 7:201)

Whoever calls himself to account in this world will have easier reckoning on the Day of Resurrection and whoever does not call himself to account in this world will have a difficult reckoning in the Hereafter. Beware of falling into sins, for keeping away from sins is easier than seeking for forgiveness. Days of this world are few and you do not know when you will die. Ask yourself about what you have done in the previous year and ask yourself about what you have provided for the coming year. ‘Umar said: “Call yourselves to reckoning before you are called to reckoning.”

Make a resolution right from the beginning of this year that you will observe your five obligatory prayers in the mosques in congregation. Make a pledge to yourself that you will seek for useful knowledge and spread it. Endeavor to guard your tongue against lie, gossip and immoral talk. Fear Allâh in all that you eat and drink. Abstain from all forbidden things. Be kind to your parents and to your kith and kin. Do well to all people and free your heart from jealousy and hatred. Beware of bad thing about others. Promote good and forbid evil. Carry out your obligations towards your spouses and children in the best possible way and guard your eyes from looking at forbidden things. How beautiful it will be if this New Year is made a positive turning point in the lives of world communities where women properly cover themselves according to the injunctions of Allâh and in following the Sunnah of His Messenger.

Dear brother! Each day in which the sun sets reminds you that your lifespan is diminishing. The wise is the one who learns from his yesterday, struggles for his present day and provides for his morrow. Provide for your tomorrow. The best provision is piety. Allâh says,

“O you who believe! Fear Allâh and keep your duty to Him. And let every person look to what he has sent forth for the morrow, and fear Allâh. Verily, Allâh is All-Aware of what you do.” (Al-Hashr 59:18)

Fellow Muslims! The first month in Islâmic year is Muharram. It is one of the greatest months. It has been a sacred month since time immemorial and it is one of the months that Allâh sanctified. It was in this month that Allâh gave Prophet Mûsâ victory over Pharaoh. Among its merits is that fasting is recommended in many of its days. The Messenger of Allâh said,

“The best month in which one can fast after Ramadân is the month of Muharram. And the best prayer after obligatory prayers is the night prayer.” (Muslim)

The best day in this month is the day of آshûrâ (the tenth day). Ibn ‘Abbâs said,

“The Prophet came to Al-Madînah and he found the Jews fasting on the day of آshûrâ. He asked them: ‘What is this day in which you fast?’ They said: ‘This is a great day in which Allâh saved Prophet Mûsâ and his people and drowned Pharaoh and his people. Mûsâ used to fast that day to show gratitude to Allâh and we emulate him in doing so.’ The Prophet then said: ‘We have right to Mûsâ more than you.’ So he fast the day and he used to ask people to fast on it.” (Al-Bukhârî and Muslim)

The Messenger of Allâh was also asked of fasting on آshûrâ day and he replied:

“I have hope that Allâh will make it erase all the sins committed in the previous year.”

The Prophet also determined to fast a day before that day in disagreement with the people of the Scripture. He said in this regard:

“If I am remain alive till next year, I will certainly fast the ninth day.”

It is therefore recommended for the Muslims to fast the tenth day of Muharram to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet and in order to get the reward. It is also recommended that they should fast the ninth day so as to disagree with the Jews and in order to uphold the Sunnah. Doing this is an act of showing gratitude to Allâh, and by doing it we are commencing our new year with good deeds.

2007-01-17T21:38:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.

Just thought i could provide you guys with an interesting read.
Note: This excerpt was extracted from a book written by a WESTERN author.

The Closed Circle
[Jonathan Coe]

“No, I find this unbelievable,” Munir insisted. “These women are sitting down in a public place, talking to each other about ways of giving oral pleasure to their men, as if they were discussing knitting patterns or recipe books. One of them – that one there – has openly admitted to having sex with 5 different partners in one week! What respect, what respect are these women meant to feel for themselves, for their own bodies? What is happening to society, when this kind of thing is allowed on our screens? What goes through the minds of the people who make it? Look at this, Benjamin!” He walked right up to the screen and pointed at it, as one of the characters gave a practical demonstration of her technique, using the neck of a wine bottle. “This is America today. A land of degenerates! Is it any wonder that the rest of the world today has started to despise them? What kind of... probity can we expect from a nation that conducts itself in such a way? This is a country that professes one thing and then does the opposite – but in full view of everyone! It preaches religion and morality but then its women behave like whores. It forces other countries to disarm but then spends all of its money building up the most terrifying arsenal of nuclear and conventional weapons on the planet. It spits in the face of the Muslim world and stampedes through the Middle East in its thirst for the oil to fill its petrol-guzzling cars and then professes astonishment that a man like Osama bin Laden can exist and believes what he believes. And this – this is where our Prime Minister tells us our allegiance lies. With a nation of cowboys and call-girls!”

Dwell, reflect on it. Do whatever you want.
But you cant as hell deny the truth behind this paragraph.

We claim to be the most advanced civilisation.
But have we not returned to the jahiliah ages?

The believers, men and women are helpers/supporters of one another, they order good and forbid evil and offer their prayers perfectly and pay zakat, and obey Allah and His Messenger. They are the ones Allah will have mercy on. Indeed, Allah is Most Powerful, Most Wise. Allah has promised the believers - men and women - gardens underneath which rivers flow, where they will dwell forever -and beautiful mansions in Gardens of Paradise. But the greatest bliss is the Good Pleasure of Allah. That is the supreme success." [Surah At-Tawba : 71-72]

Subhanallah.
Whoever said that being in a Christian school sways your imaan, there I shall not say you are wrong, for yes, the imaan is constantly being challenged, but it is up the individual himself to stand up for what he believes is true, and that is to Allah.
If only we Muslims stand up for our religion and spread it lovingly to anyone and everyone, without feeling condescended and/or ashamed. If only practicing the religion outside of the mosque is viewed upon in a better light. If only.

Its time for change people.
ITS. TIME.

2007-01-15T16:57:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.

So the tide has subsided, alhamdulillah.
My mental state of mind is perfectly fine.

Of course, why wouldnt it?
when you have great company who cheer you up everyday?

I have people acting like The Grinch and a bitchy one at that!

And I have guys who serenade me with their skilful guitar playing...

And yes wei chiang, i can be a bimbo and fall in love with you! =D

So yes, its the unprecedented support that helped the best. People who help me to pull through without even realising it. Sometimes, its best never to expect anything, because its the people who never cross your mind that picks you up and lift you to your feet. And its the people who you yearn for the most, who fail to reach out and seek your hand.

They are no such thing as true friends. the whole load on Best Friends Forever is all bull. its human nature to stray away, to move on. So why treasure a relationship so much, just to end up getting hurt all over again? You'll die and get buried alone anyway.

Im not being a pessimist, nor am I mad at my friends. Life taught me to never depend on anyone unless necessary. For now, i'm just glad to have my fellow saints who are crazy enough to accompany me through these 2 months of my life, and insyAllah, for the next 2 years to come.

ps: the cliques are unintentional ok. its human nature! =D

2007-01-12T22:07:00.000+08:00

take a paintbrush and colour your bleak world.
drown your soul in the medley of love songs.
fool everyone with your masquerade.
everyone.
but yourself.

Salam guys.

i'm still alive, alhamdulillah.
and i'm still a saint.
i probably will be for the next 2 years, who knows?

yes, i'm alive.
but its the soul i'm worried about.

too much angst. too much hatred. too much pain. plain fatigue.

perhaps its the fatigue. or perhaps its high time that the dam broke and i begin to feel all these screwed feelings all over again. its worst when your mental and emotional well-being isnt even cared for by your blood relatives.
*****************
i've read self-help books, motivational books, and whatever books that could help make me a better person, and it all comes down to one thing.

LOVE

you've got to be kidding me.

you tell me to love myself.
fuck, i love myself too much to bother about what other people think about me.

you tell me to love my family.
i love them so much that i said fuck to my own well-being for people i have blood relations with.

you tell me to love my friends.
i love them too much that sometimes i feel im just wasting my time over acquaintances that'll leave me one day.

you tell me to love life.
i love life and thank Allah for blessing me with all the goods that i have.

but you dont tell me what love is.
*****************
things are just crazy right now. no, im not referring to jc life. im coping well with it, alhamdulillah. and im grateful for the mere existence of a JC LIFE, because i can occupy myself so much with it that i go home and just sleep.

i used to be addicted to cutting myself. with a penknife. dont ask me why. the marks are still there, on my forearm and thighs.
but i've long left that habit. i found a new one.
i peel my skin. its disgusting i know
i dont care what YOU think. I KNOW ITS WRONG. i just cant help it.
i do it unknowingly.

you've got to understand how difficult it is for me to do this. to tell the damn bloody whole world what i feel, what i do, what i fear. because i JUST DONT DO IT. no matter how freaking outspoken, crazy, enthusiastic you find me, i dont expose myself to the world blindly. i was brought up to JUST SHUT UP. basically, i was brought up to feel and think that "THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT OF WHAT YOU THINK SMARTASS." so essentially, starting a blog was a big step. for me to be able to let go. why? because you just dont talk to yourself every night to sleep and pretend that people care. because you dont talk to your bolster like its a person. and because you need to do something before you go into depression-mode all over again.

thats why,
i dont write down my itinery for the day. i think that just sucks and bore people to death.
i dont post lyrics/songs on my blog because i think its shit.
i write what i feel, what i believe, and what i justify as right.
i dont intend to rally support or sympathy from people.
i just need an avenue to express myself with words.
because i cant do it verbally.
i wasnt brought up that way.

you see, no matter what i say, no matter what they say,
im not ready for love.
i yearn for it, yes, i envy friends who have significant others as confidantes.
but 'experience' taught me to do otherwise.
perhaps its because i wasnt expose to it earlier on in life.
perhaps i had too much selflessness and lack of confidence while in it.
or perhaps...
oh fcuk.

too much angst. too little love.
what is wrong?
astaghfirullah.
Ya Allah, give me the strength i need, and give me guidance, for you are the One and the Almighty.

dont bother to do anything. dont give me the hope of something nonexistent.

2007-01-07T00:37:00.000+08:00

SEXY SAV6RDO!

If you wanna see the best knights in town
Just say ARTS FAC and we'll turn around
Oh why do I feel this way?
Hey! Must be Saverdo!

3 full days of crazily fun orientation eats up your brain.
especially if your campus is at the other side of the world.
ok im kidding for that part.
SAJC is only at the OTHER SIDE OF SINGAPORE.

wonders of wonders.
for the first time in my life, i have to wake up at FIVE, leave the house at SIX , JUST. TO. GET. TO. SCHOOL.
darn.

Orientation was hyper. The councillors were dedicated. The place's bursting with high school spirit.
I lost my voice, so that should explain how crazy i went during the 3 days.
we were wet and dirty, we were running all over the place playing sadistic games, and we were cheering like mad hooligans.
ARTS FAC = FUN
but
the monster in me was unleashed. and i was scared
instead of campfire, we had disco nite.
which basically meant we had a free clubbing session where a band was invited to play.
and lets just say, it was a blast from the screwed past.
and i succumbed to the music. which is'nt healthy.

later that night, i cried in fear.
not because i was in a christian mission school where scriptures from the bible are read every morning after assembly.
not because i have to start from scratch again and will probably screw up in EQ department.
and not because i was STILL grooving to the music which included MANY christian songs.
i cried because during that 1.5 hours of dancing and going crazy,
i actually contemplated on feeling regret for changing to the person i am today.
i actually wanted to go back to that lifestyle.
to clubbing. drinking. going crazy without a care for the world.
and so i cried.

astaghfirullah.

i am not going back to square one.

yes i know i've digressed from orientation. but im not going to detail it through. you'll probably be bored to death.

all im saying is, it's one heck of a memorable event. thank you 29th student council for making it what it is. and thank you to my ogl - sharleen, for being such a sweetheart.

the showdown begins next week. and i only have an hour of lesson on Monday! wth?

2007-01-01T19:15:00.000+08:00

The thing about 'Respect'
is that society doesnt recognise it anymore.

It is authentically reported that the Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) slaughtered two horned rams, black and white in colour, and that he slaughtered them with his own hands. He mentioned the name of Allah Most High (saying Bismillaah), then said Takbir (Allahu-Akbar) and placed his foot on their sides (while slaughtering them). [Bukhari and Muslim. Bukhari English translation - Dr. Muhsin Khan, Vol.2, Pg. 447-448 #770 and 772, 1979]

Honestly, I've seen enough sheep to last me until next aidiladha.
And I've seen enough sacrifices to deter me from sinning.
I was on-duty over at Darul Makmur Mosque, and had to accompany the participants throughout the process, bringing them to the area where the sacrifice was done, meaning i saw more than 10 sacrifices being done. and of course, went home smelling like a goat.
What is qurban, or in the arabic sense, udhiyah?

Udhiyah: Its meaning and definition
Udhiyah refers to the animal (camel, cattle or sheep) that is sacrificed as an act of worship to Allâh, during the period from after the Eid prayer on the Day of Nahr (Eid al-Adha) until the last day of Tashrîq (the 13th day of Dhul-Hijjah), with the intention of offering sacrifice.

Anyway, lets go back to the abovementioned topic.

You see, i caught the fireworks display over at marina bay LIVE!
-on tv-
CNA to be exact. Channel 5's countdown show was ~~shit~~ nonsense, what with taufiq and nurul maideen and the likes prancing about the stage, and possibly hundreds of malays (who's probably muslims) having the time of their lives, partying away. of course, not only at harbourfront, but all over singapore. even malaysia had the sense to respect EidAdha and forego the countdown this year.

It saddens and shames me, and perhaps you too, to have all this hoohaa of countdown celebration, where alcohol runs freely, bodies gyrate energetically and the participants consists of a large group of our fellow brothers and sisters in islam, during a period of time when There aren't any days greater, nor any days in which deeds done in them are more beloved to Allah Most High, than these ten days (of Dhul-Hijjah).

Astaghfirullah.

Respect.
It doesnt exist in these people.
Do they not have respect for EidAdha?
For Islam?
For THEMSELVES?

When most of the Muslim community are busy commemorating the sacrifice done by Nabi Allah Ibrahim, and of course, recite the Takbir to praise Him, as what is to be done,;they're busy downing the booze, losing themselves in the music.

Countdown setahun sekali apa? Pagi kan dah celebrate Hari Raya Haji, malam aku nak pergi countdown tak salah per. Aku nak mabuk ke, aku nak rosakkan anak dara orang ke, aku nyer pasal lah. Dosa aku yang tanggung apa.
That was told to me in the face, by a man who's about to get married.

The reason why i decided to forego going to marina bay with the girls was that they wanted to party. All i could do was advise them to respect Eid, and not get drunk. Its sad, when it involves the people you love.

My remedy?
The Takbir.

At-Takbir (saying: Allahu-Akbar) and adh-Dhikr (remembrance of Allah) in these (ten) days, because of the saying of Allah in Surah al-Hajj Ayah 28:
"...And mention the name of Allah on the appointed Days..."
This has been explained (by some) to mean the ten days (of Dhul-Hijjah). The scholars consider it desirable to increase adh-Dhikr in these days because of the hadith of Ibn 'Umar (radhiAllaahu 'anhumaa) narrated by Ahmad, which says in it,
"...so increase in these days the Tahlil and Takbir and Tahmid".
Bukhari mentioned about Ibn 'Umar and Abu Hurairah (radhiAllaahu 'anhu) that,
"the two of them used to go out to the market place during the ten days (of Dhul-Hijjah) saying 'Allahu-Akbar', causing the people to say it also."
Ishaq narrated from the scholars of the Tabi'in that in these ten days they used to say:
Allahu-Akbar, Allahu-Akbar; Laailaaha illallaah; Wa Allahu-Akbar, Allahu-Akbar; wa lillaahil-hamd.
It is a beloved act to raise the voice when saying the Takbir in the markets, the houses, the streets, the masjids and other places, because of the saying of Allah Most High in Surah al-Hajj Ayah 37:
"... that you may magnify Allah for His Guidance to you.."

It eats you up, you know, seeing your screwed society at work.
And they say we're the most advanced civilisation?

I say we've gone back to the jahiliah era.

Lets see the response from our society, come 1 Muharram.

2006-12-30T00:10:00.000+08:00

The Story about Us

Salam guys.

Its the time of the year,
when melancholy and nostalgia reigns,
as a group of human beings,
break free from tradition,
and are forced, albeit willingly, into a completely different cycle.

yes, its the time of the year to move on.
its time to leave the term "secondary school kids" and usher in "jc kakaks/abangs".
and what other way to do that,
than have a final dinner together,
crapping, eating, being plain noisy.
just us.

Before that, how about a trip down memory lane.
Introducing,
the makciks / family tiri clan

notice the bright flash behind Afizah? the sunshine of our life - that we used to say, and still do. this was taken after registering at PERGAS. yes, we have PERGAS to keep the love strong!

our paths crossed way back in Sec 1, all 4 of us. (Afizah, Shaf, Faj and Yours Truly)
but the friendship was a late bloomer - we became friends only at sec 3.
We were then joined by another sweetheart, Anum, who always rushes off with her boyfriend after school.

So from not-so-good-acquaintances [because i was a full-fledged bitch back then, loud/foul-mouthed, short skirt, practically non-existent eyebrows, and of course, sucking up to teachers being my optimum specialty], to good classmates [long chatting sessions after PE lessons and during recess], to best friends [the family tree goes ironically as follows - the "eldest" being myself, followed by shafiqah, to afizah, to anum - and guess how the birthdates goes.] , we began our upper secondary school journey.

and on Thurday, we officially ended our secondary school days - but not our friendship - with a celebratory cum farewell dinner over at alazhar, off bukit timah road.

there were 3 couples - well, 2 actually, but the 2 singles decided to team up and form an impromptu lesbian team.

We have the not-so-secret-affair between vice-chairman and head-of-welfare.

We have the couple-that-everybody-cannot-understand.

and of course,
We have the impromptu lesbian team.

It was a great night out, despite the fact that we were late.
reminiscences, memories, laughter, tears, fights.
man, the 4 years were packed with everything and anything.
we laughed at our silliness, our idiocy, and smiled at the memories.
entering competitions together, going through breakups together etc.

Im going to miss you guys.
Every 3 saturday of the month ok?
or maybe once in 2 months.
or once in 6.....
I wonder what'll happen if the couples break up... gosh.

Baby, its time to move on..

2006-12-27T18:51:00.000+08:00

[atikah] The closed circle says:
darling, are u guys planning to party on new year's eve?
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
tu pasal laaa
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
i dunooooooooooo
[atikah] The closed circle says:
hahaha
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
AutoMessage: Wait ok. If you dunno how to wait ur loss.
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
lagi2 its hari raye haji
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
i dunno seyy
[atikah] The closed circle says:
tu pasal ar
[atikah] The closed circle says:
hahaha
[atikah] The closed circle says:
aku igtkan nak tgk bunga api ar
[atikah] The closed circle says:
hahaha
[atikah] The closed circle says:
kita hang out tgh bunga api jer nak tak
[atikah] The closed circle says:
tak dosa per
[atikah] The closed circle says:
hahahaha
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
HAhaah
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
hmms
|©| εз ïQí εз |©| says:
nething i ask shir n syasya ferst

wahahaha. i heart you many2 lah sayang! =D

yes, im desperately trying to find someone to witness the fireworks on the stroke of midnight. not for the meaning of the event per se, but more to experiencing and witnessing the beauty and awe first hand.

finally, finally, my parents are allowing me to go out on new year's eve to go and see the fireworks. but alas, i have nobody to go with - if the girls decide to go party unless they choose to respect aidiladha, and i dont want to end up going on another date with my brother ok? and no, this is a reason why i would like to have a significant other/ partner in crime/ boyfriend. lol.

dont worry, no hanky-panky whatever shit, will go on. its pure clean fun. take it as a simple outing to go and gawk over the fireworks display. it is hari raya aidiladha you know.. =)

so who wants to go and gila2 with me?

love,

atikah.

2006-12-26T21:32:00.000+08:00

It looks as if we're heading towards another

Flood extravaganza.
i meant that not in a good way ok.

anyway, yes, the raining is continuing, after a day and a half dreary sunshine. not that im complaining really, since i dont really have to worry about floods at this part of the world and this high up in the building. i live on the 12th floor, you see. but, have you seen the destruction lately?

Subhanallah.

Who would have thought that such a great calamity could happen, in such a short period of time? there are places that you could only see the second storey of buildings! hundreds, possible thousands of families are displaced out of their own homes and are staying in schools, public places, together, as they helplessly see their items being caught in the flood and/or being looted. yes, humans are advantage-seekers. in times of crisis such as now, there are groups of people who are raiding empty homes and looting whatever that seems valuable in their eyes. wtfish? yes, that is human for you.

this episode could be looked upon as a disaster and also a reminder. a reminder of His existence, for so many of us have taken it so forgranted. we forget, we ignore. but now, the reason for ignorance has ceased. its time to sit up and really look. what have we done, or not done, that could have caused such a wrath? are we taking life for granted, as a whole? is it time for us to change? its for you to answer.

for we are blessed to not be presented with such a calamity, we should remember the unfortunate, or perhaps fortunate enough, to receive a reminder from Him, before its too late for them to turn back. we should take this opportunity too.

Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods and lives and the fruits(of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return." They are those on whom (descend) blessings from Allah, and mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. [Surah al-Baqarah: 155-157]

2006-12-25T16:14:00.000+08:00

They say I need to learn to

Relax.

Salam guys,

Well dont get me wrong, really, i KNOW how to relax. REALLY.
I mean, i dont go around everyday stressing over the screwed world that we live in.
i do have a life you know. =D
I mean,

I go out and play in the rain with the boys.

I play the guitar. jeng jeng jeng

I play dress up.

AND

I go and watch some great theatrework by Teater Kami.

The first was Kelab Dangdut. Not something i would like to remember for its theatrework, but rather for the great time i had with kak gee. in other words, i didnt like this one.

but i didnt stop at one.

I went to Horlicks Milo Kopi Teh next. Alone. Kak Gee was in the production crew, and well, i couldnt find anybody else who was interested to go. I remember being dead tired after band, and rushing to the place, running in the rain, getting my hair and clothes drenched i havent don the hijab yet. Recollection of that day

and recently,
i went to catch this.
with my brother.
yes, we went on another date.
aisyah was supposed to come to, but well, she couldnt make it at the very last minute.

it was superb. the acting was nearly flawless, the continuity was there, and well, the ending, despite being quite absent, it didnt evoke the same kind of questions and helplessness like Kelab Dangdut. The actors and actress, certainly did their homework, and the clash of fantasy and reality was evenly balanced and brought about comfortably. it was also, dare i mention, scary, to be said the least. i certainly, felt freaked out, and i had goosebumps all over. it wasnt because i was cold, needless to say, but the effectiveness of the cast to shadow the image of, well, ghosts, and eeriness.

kudos to the 2 soldiers for their ability to transport the audience to pulau tekong, in a way, whilst conducting their topography exercise. special mention specially to Hilsham Helzie, who managed to potray the part of the soldier with the 'Third Eye', which lead him to a series of unfortunate sightings and eventually die in the hands of *insert ghost's name*. it was also great that he was able to coordinate with adib during the fighting scene, without adib actually touching him. man, that scene had got to hurt!

however, up till the end of the show, i was still unable to decipher the "ghosts". I mean, if they were the spirits of the people who used to stay at Pulau Tekong, then they wouldnt be referring themselves using the connotations "I" and "You" right?
Like,
A:You tahukan I sayangkan you?
We're talking about oldies here you know. Orang dulu-dulu ada ke cakap ber"I", "You"? Wahahahaha.
So are they orang bunians then? Maybe, since that lady killed the soldier in return, for erm, I dont know, the baby's life.

Well, its not perfect. But its a good job done, especially since its only the 2nd play under the direction of Anwar Hadi, the first being Horlicks Milo Kopi Teh. You see, this guy, is a guy that will bring many new and great things to the art of theatrework. and heck, i feel damn priviledged to actually be watching his works. the sad truth is, is the theatre scene in Singapore ready and big enough a venture for a guy like him? Only time will tell.

I definitely wouldn't mind making my way up the @!$^$#!@$! track to ONE - TWO - SIX Cairnhill Arts Centre, 126 Cairnhill Road, even though its damn tiring and by the time i reach the place, i'll be sweating like !~@%#^@$# and feel that i was stupid to actually go there in the first place, to watch another TK production. You should try and go to. Heck, its only $12. Worth.your.money.

Perhaps, next time we can go together again, kak gee =)

~~I was supposed to write a review for this production, but i cant seem to find the proper words to do so. what.to.write?~~

2006-12-22T15:35:00.000+08:00

Screwed Society

Yes, as you may have noticed, i've developed a certain, angst towards the Malay/Muslim society.
No, its not because i feel that im-oh-so-good or anything, i just find certain things about US that is so $^%&#%*$^ revolting.
Like when it comes to money and POLYGAMY.

What's this hoohaa over Aa Gym getting a second wife? Why is everyone getting so worked-up and emotional about him. marrying. another. woman? firstly, he's ENTITLED to marry again. and secondly, HE CAN AFFORD IT. think about it, he has the means to marry again, not like the pakcik-pakcik gatal that marries again but cant even support one wife. he's RICH lah, and the person he marries is a janda, not a virgin anak dara or something. so yeah, she's pretty, and used to be a model, but she's not the exposing-gila-nak-mampos kind that attracts all the men that has their lust all the way up to their adam's apple.

why the hoohaa over him GETTING MARRIED, as in LEGALLY, but not so much of hoohaa when it comes to the ^!%@!^$ scandal that involves the Indonesian MP and the DANGDUT SINGER. tu lagi power siot, siap ada mini porn video lagi! tak pun kecoh sangat. *rolls eyes*

Aa Gym is a wealthy man, who preaches about Islam and wants to see a change in the Muslim society.
Even Time magazine, so damn pro-American, devoted an article for him. click here for it.

Remember when he came to Singapore and gave the seminar "ORANG ISLAM MESTI KAYA" [MUSLIMS MUST BE RICH]?
That is true because why? Because money REALLY matter in this world today.
Do you know because of MONEY, many muslims convert to other religions?
Do you know that MONEY is the most essential weapon for religion-conversion?

Well, it is. People will do many things for money, be it knowingly or otherwise. And im not taking this point blindly.

I know an elderly couple, who goes to church every Sunday (the makcik wears a tudung mind you!), after they were given aid by the church. You see, its easy to get financial aid from the church, no questions asked, all you need to do is ask for it. But what about Mendaki, Muis and all other freaking organisations here?
There's a 101 questions to be answered, and so many procedures to follow, that by the time the money is given (if it is given), its probably too late. and get this, a friend of my father's, was unable to get aid from [insert organisation] because he is NOT MALAY! WTF?!?!

Which comes to the point that i was stating. Muslims must be rich. WHY? so we can help the needy, the people faced with poverty all around the world, just like the Christians/Catholics. I am not being racist/religionist or whatever, but it is true fact. Look at what happened to the couple. and trust me, read MASTIKA NOV 2006 EDITION and the exact same thing is happening in Malaysia! Muslims are being offered financial aid by the Church, and in turn, they are given classes. and the thing is, it is NOT compulsory. but of course, the feeling that one's obliged to return the favour is there, and they attend the classes. slowly but surely, what do the end up as? Non-Muslims. SAD but TRUE.

It's about time we wake up. WE.NEED.TO.OPEN.UP.OUR.MINDS.AND.SEE.WHAT.IS.HAPPENING.IN.THIS.WORLD.

Where are all the rich Muslims? Doesnt matter whether they're Arab, Malay, Chinese, British. IT.DOESNT.MATTER.
~~they're probably somewhere else entertaining their lust and greed rather than help humanity.~~

Decorated for people are the desires of women, offspring, and of heaped up piles of gold and silver, of pedigree horses, cattle, and sown fields. These are the enjoyments of the worldly life, but with Allah is the best return. [Surah Ali-Imraan (3):14]

2006-12-20T16:28:00.000+08:00

Flash of Faith
Before you think that this is another random mumblings of a teenage girl, do take the time to read this entry. May you find knowledge in what i'm about to share.

Did you know that it is haraam for us Muslims to actually wish "Merry Christmas" to our fellow Christian friends?

Well it is.

“Say: "O People of the Book! Exceed not in your religion the bounds (of what is proper), trespassing beyond the truth, nor follow the vain desires of people who went wrong in times gone by, who misled many, and strayed (themselves) from the even Way." [Al-Maa’idah (5):77]

"Quite a number of Muslims today, especially those living in Christian dominated countries or those influenced to a large degree by western culture, have been led to consider that taking part in the Christmas celebrations of friends and relatives is, at very least, a harmless pastime if not a legitimate source of pleasure for children and adults alike.

In many instances, pressure to conform with the practices of society is too great for those of weak resolve to withstand. Parents are often tempted to give in to the pleading of children who have been invited to a party or who are unable to understand why they alone are being prevented from joining the festivities they observe all around them or why they cannot receive gifts on this occasion like the other children."

Excerpt from here
click the link for the whole article

Why the sudden disposition to actually discuss this topic?
Alhamdulillah, i just finished watching a VCD - a talk given by Hj Irene Handono.
Does the name ring a bell? Well, fret not if it doesnt, because I'm about to tell you who this wonderful woman is.

Hj Irene Handono was born into a rich and pious Christian family. She was educated in Christianity since young and eventually entered an elite convent school and became a Sister.
One day, she was taught to hate Islam. Her pastor told her to observe her homeland (she's Indonesian) and picked out that all the corruption and negativities that was happening there were mostly made by Muslims.
She, however, didnt take all of it in and started to question her faith. She observed other countries - Mexico, Phillipines, Italy etc, and witnessed the same mayhem - by Catholics and Christians.
She made a groundbreaking conclusion that will eventually lead her to Islam - one should never judge a religion by its followers.
She therefore started to study the holy Quran, and alhamdulillah, she began to realise many things in Christianity that seeks her to question, and eventually find her faith in Islam.
She went further, to detect the ways that the Church uses to manipulate the weak Muslims and eventually convert them to Christianity.
Ways so subtle, that you and i probably never could differentiate.
a)The Bible, translated to the Arabic language, and read in the same manner as tilawah Al Quran
b)Calligraphy of Bible Matius, so similar to the verse of Al-Quran, that an untrained eye would find impossible to differentiate
c)The Church urges its people to wish Slamat Idul-Fitri, such that Muslims will feel compelled to wish Merry Christmas - when it is haraam to do so.

Honestly, throughout watching the vcd, i felt scared and saddened at the same time. at the vulnerability of the Muslim nation.
It would be easy isnt it, to actually fool the Muslim population, if the estimated number of people who actually study and know the teachings of Al-Quran remain to be a mere 10%?
And what are we doing about it really? Are we just sitting around and hoping that the Muslim population will revamp itself and rise from the ashes? Or are we going to do our part, no matter how small, in actually recreating a new image of Islam. A clean one. Are we actually carrying out our responsilities as a Muslim?

Of course, by saying that, i dont mean jihaad. Subhanallah, no. I'm referring to the simple tasks of actually carrying out your daily prayers, of knowing whats right and wrong(and actually acting by it) and by not compromising your duties as a Muslim.

Have you ever wondered at how we know the dates for Christmas, Valentines Day, and the immense celebration that we partake every new year; but we fail to recite the Islamic months and/or actually take any notice when 1st Muharram comes around. (Its the Islamic new year if you dont know) Funny how liberal we've become.

What's going to happen to the future generations?
Are we going to continue to degrade ourselves, and in turn, Islam, further?
Or are we going to do something about it?

I am not saying that im oh-so-knowledgeable in Islam; I have my flaws, and I had my jahiliah moments.
All im hoping is to see some change, in this society that we live in, and of course, in myself.
InsyAllah, we'll be able to do it, and live in harmony.

Do not confound truth with falsehood, nor knowingly hide the truth while you know. [Al-Baqarah (2):42]

Love,

atikah.

2006-12-18T00:47:00.000+08:00

Remedy for a Panic Attack / Screwed Feelings.

~~Malboro lights, penknife, alcohol, loud pumping music~~

Astaghfirullah.

Solat, du'aa, faith, patience.

Ibraaheem al-Khawaas (rahimahu Allaah) said : Patience is having steadfastness upon the Qur'aan and the Sunnah. And it is said that patience is restraining oneself in times of difficulty with the best manner and character. And Abu 'Alee ad-Diqaaq (rahimahu Allaah) said that patience is not remonstrating against that which Allaah decrees for us. However, making apparent ones difficulty through complaining [to Allaah] about it does not negate ones patience. For Allaah ta'aalaa said about Ayyoob (alayhi as-salaam) "Truly! We found him patient. How excellent a slave! Verily, he was ever oft-returning in repentance (to Us)!" [Soorah Saad, 44], while also saying "And (remember) Ayoob, when he cried to his Lord: Verily, distress has seized me, and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show mercy." [Soorah al-Anbiyaa', 83], and Allaah knows best.

Subhanallah.

I am better than this wreck that I am now.

But sometimes people forget that I too am human.

I've learnt how to cry after so many years of restraining.
But do you know it hurts more when crying alone?

2006-12-14T11:57:00.000+08:00

Name : NUR ATIKAH AMALINA BTE MOHD Z

1. The results of your application are as follows:
Posted Institution : ST ANDREW'S JUNIOR COLLEGE
Course Name : ST ANDREW'S JUNIOR COLLEGE (ARTS)
Course Code : 30A
2. Please report to the JC/MI on 3 Jan 2007 at 8am.

Alhamdulillah.
But i want to cry can?
~~2nd choice leh!~~

2006-12-13T21:20:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.

It's been a crazy few days.
This is the first night since Saturday that i'm home.
Yup, i went back to the days of going home at @$@%^$ hours and having my system screwed up due to the lack of sleep.
Thank god my parents are not suckers for qoute atifah kuno-ism.
=D

On Sunday, the DAMAY gang, after the hoohaa during registration/sale of books/uniforms for next year's religious classes at Darul Makmur Mosque, decided to *shudders* go to VIVOCITY. on a Sunday, mind you! it was damn crowded lah! so we decided to leave the place, what with Wak not being able to be in crowded places, and crash at Banquet next door. What we did next, is more @#%#!@&%&@ than going to Vivo on a weekend.

WE WENT ON THE CABLECAR RIDE

the thing was,
we had 2 persons who scared of heights within our gang,
which makes it hilarious inside the cabin;
and the last time any of us took the cablecar,
was A LONG TIME AGO..

which gave space to....
JAKUN-ISM.

the feeling of being on top of the world was enrapturing. the view was breathtaking - especially since we got to view the sunset! and it was better for us since not a single cent came from our pockets! =D and for couples, eherm, its reccommended to take the ride to Mount Faber, and well, walk around.

Since it's Christmas season, the place is fitted with decorations, and well, we met with a MUSLIM SANTA! lol. With all due respect, we actually were jakun enough to take a picture with Santa and his fairy helpers. How we knew he was Muslim?

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Selamat hari raya! Assalamualaikum!
lol.

Rating: ****
must-go-date-venue

With the combined selenge-ness of 7 people, none of us brought along a camera, but here's a snippet of the pictures that were managed to be taken with Raimi's cameraphone. the picture with santa has yet to be scanned though. =)

before going on the cablecar

mentel-ing at Mt Faber

Sunset at Harbourfront. this was taken by a 6280 phone!

the next day was another late night with a failed dvd marathon over at Shir's place with the girlfriends. yup, we had it all, the dvds, the popcorn, the pizza, the pepsi, the huge cushions!
but due to a certain cock-up with regards to the dvd player, we only managed to watch one dvd - a pathetic one at that!

whatever you do, dont watch underworld:evolution.
its a pure waste of time/money. the plot is non-existing and evidently, the producers felt that gory + sex should be enough to cover it up. the gory scenes bring hollywood's cinematography's reputation to shame, and the sex scenes were doubly unnecessary. we were wondering what the heck was going on in the movie most of the time and well, it didnt help that 2 of the girls already watched the damn movie. pun intended.

it was a crazy night, and it was a first night since a long time that we crashed at someone's place, with me sans the hijab. we gulped down 2 pizzas from Rites Pizza and a not-very-nice bag of home-made popcorn. the only reason we left at ten to 12 was it was a working day the next day, and it was impossible to crash at her place in our uncomfortable clothes.

Next time we crash, we watch The OH in OHIO ok? lol!

Yesterday was the record.
I reached home at 15 to one in the morning,
that was, of course, accompanied with constant phone calls from the folks.
and no, i wasnt up to no good.

it was all good fun with the DAMAY gang, again.
dinner at Rubinah, tucked away at the back alley, eating seafood, we created a guffaw!
with them, there's never a quiet moment, and we were laughing so hard through that 2
hours, that we didnt manage to complete the food. this was, of course, thanks to Wak.
Pure de-stresser.
Pure fun.
Bucketload of craziness.
What more can i ask?
I heart them many-many can?
=D

Convo Nov 2006

Mt Faber Dec 2006

Love,

Atikah.

2006-12-08T19:55:00.000+08:00

Salam guys.
enough of being emo-fied.

Teater Kami Ltd
is proud to present:

TEKONG HIGHWAY
From Salabin to Ayer Samak... (In Malay)

Ringkasan

Izam dan Shaufi, dua orang “buddy” yang sedang menjalani latihan
“topography”. Mereka dikehendaki berjalan seluruh Pulau Tekong selama 3 hari 2 malam, mencari “checkpoints” untuk melengkapkan latihan tersebut.

Perjalanan itu walaupun hanya beberapa hari, telah membuka mata mereka
tentang kekayaan Pulau Tekong, terutama dengan sifat Izam yang “adventurous”
digandingkan pula dengan Shaufi yang mempunyai “Mata Ketiga”. Penonton akan
diajak mengikut bersama kedua-dua watak ini untuk menyelongkar kisah-kisah
di Pulau Tekong.
______________________________________________________________________________

Summary

Two buddies, Izam and Shaufi undergoing topography exercise for 3 days and 2
nights on Pulau Tekong. They are tasked to look for checkpoints throughout
the island to complete their exercise.

Though a few days walk, the experience had opened their eyes to the richness
of Pulau Tekong, especially with the adventurous traits of Izam and the
blessed “third eye” of Shaufi. Audience will be brought along with them
throughout their journey in uncovering the stories of Pulau Tekong.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Written / Directed by
ANWAR HADI RAMLI

Performed by:
YAZID TAHIR, HILSHAM HELZIE,
DALIFAH SHAHRIL, MD ADIB KOSNAN SIRAN,
ANWAR HADI RAMLI

To be performed at:
Teater Kami Black Box Studio
ONE - TWO - SIX Cairnhill Arts Centre
126 Cairnhill Road

22nd December 8pm
23rd December 3pm & 8pm

Tickets: $12

So, anybody interested to go with me?
contact me alright?
or i'll be on another date with my brother.
yes, pathetic. =)

heee.

love,
atikah

2006-12-07T00:16:00.000+08:00

And keep your soul content with those who call on their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Face; and let not your eyes pass beyond them, seeking the pomp and glitter of this Life; nor obey any whose heart We have permitted to neglect the remembrance of Us, one who follows his own desires, whose case has gone beyond all bounds. (Qur'an 18: 28)

Salam.

you know who your real friends are when they've gone through whatever shit you've gone through, together. you know who your real friends are when they stick by you no matter who you are. and you know who your real friends are when they'll pick up your calls at 2-3 in the morning without a single grumble.

but when your real friend is screwed up, what do you do?
do you just accept it as who she is,
or do you try to change her back to something that she's not.

you see, my real friend has been with me through all the shit i've been through. and i mean it. she's seen me throughmy wild, havoc days; she's seen me through my self-injury days; hell, she's even seen me through my suicidal days. days that i look back now and istighfar. astaghfirullah. but dont get me wrong. i dont regret those days, since they were the ones that eventually mould me into who i am today.

my real friend has also been through the shit herself. that's why we're strong. we understand each other. but instead of seeking solace in Islaam, well, lets just say, she'd strayed. damn far. too damn fcuking far.

i've cried for her. i rode with her on the ambulance on the eve of her birthday when she tried to take her life. i've been with her through the craziest of times. i love her.

sometimes, i feel useless as a friend. for not being able to guide her back to the right path. for being silent when she tells me of her conquests. for agreeing with her when she tells me of the joys of the free life. for allowing her to be like so.

my faith is sometimes questioned when im with her and the rest of the girls. wonderful people. but strayed. i'll pray that i wont drift away together with them, into the life that i swore that i'll never have ever again. but sometimes, its just too difficult. not when they're the ones who's true to you.

she accepted me when i changed. she never questioned nor taunted me when i decided to throw away my past and embraced islaam. she respected my decision to wear the hijaab. she tries to protect me. she doesnt allow me to follow her footsteps. she loves me.

but im disappointed in her. truly.

i want the best for her. and its not the way things are now. the life that she's leading now will eventually lead to her demise. is this the way she wants to lead her life? i often question that.

it doesnt help that she has other non-practicing muslim girlfriends, who are also my girls too. so how can she see the difference between embracing islaam and not? its not as if she doesnt know the basics of islam. she does. she even went to religious school once upon a time ago. does it make a difference if i excuse myself to perform my prayers when i go out with them? does it make a difference when i tell them of the joys of embracing islaam? does it make a difference when i tell them of the changes i've experienced since then? or will they just take it lightly? or will they instead look at my constraints without realising that there's a purpose behind it - for my own well being as a muslimah. i dont know. subhanallah. i wish they realise the essence of my being with them.

my friend. i know i should accept you the way you are. but deep within me, i resent the person on the surface of you now. i resent your lifestyle more than anything. i know you're capable of doing so much more. you're always in my prayers. its the weakest thing i could ever do as a muslim, as your friend.

for i pray that one day, He will shine hidayah upon you and the girls. insyAllah.

i know who my real friend is.
if you're reading this, please know that im sorry for not being able to say this to your face.
i love you.
and im always your friend darling.

2006-12-04T17:20:00.002+08:00

Salam guys.

Yes, i've gone out of the much needed hibernation.
its great to be able to crash back into bed after subuh prayers, or simply just slack around the house.
i do miss australia though.
i want to go again, can can??

anyway,
as promised, the pictures.

you see, a holiday will always be divided into 4 parts.
a)accomodation
b)activities
c)FOOOOOOOOD!
d)shopping!!
so lets start with a) shall we.

we stayed at Courtyard Marriot, Surfer's Paradise which is right smack in the middle of EVERYTHING. and well, it was a congregation arena for the schoolies [click here to get a definition], meaning nights were filled with outrageous behaviour such as wild partying and binge drinking, and well, screaming. it explains why my lullaby was police and ambulance sirens. tsk.

the hotel is in the background. heh.

we got the junior suite on the 22nd floor, and the great thing about having the suite was, i have a room ALL TO MYSELF.
which meant i didnt have to fight over the pillows from my brother or sleep on the floor with the pathetic comforter.
no no man. i have a bed sofa all to myself plus all the other things you get in a hotel room. sweet suite! =D

next, lets go to b)
we went to, (in order)

i love this theme park for its crazy rides! i can proudly EXCLAIM to the world that i've conquered my fears and went on EVERY SINGLE ride that can found there, well, excluding the kiddie rides lah!
and let me tell you, that is no small feat! not when the rides are gigantic and goes at 0.1km per second!
3 of the best rides there are :

Lethal weapon.

Escape - Superman

Wild Wild West

oh and here was where i got to meet the cartoon characters! and of course, relived the inner child!

the next day, we headed to seaworld.
quite a boring place.
but they had cartoon network island and i got to meet the gedik dexter!
heh.

the highlight was the water ski stunts show - WIPE OUT!
fantastic stuff i tell you.
its ala GREASE on water.

next was Paradise Country.
I HEART THIS DAY MANY MANY!
heh.

got to see/touch koalas and kangaroos!

and we got to witness sheep shearing!
something funny happened.
when we were at the farm, there was a whole group of chinese/japanese tourists. when the guy was talking in english, and made jokes and puns, the only people laughing, were, well, us. only when it was translated to the language did they laugh. which is both awkward and funny at the same time! lol.

then,
we went to this great place.
which is a MUST MUST go!!!
i fell in love with it lah!!

you see, they have an interesting format.
its something like a broadway musical.
just that they perform stunts too.
and.......
you get to EAT dinner while watching the show.
yes, EAT!
they serve you dinner while you enjoy the great stunts by the stockmen and women from the great australian outback.
the effects, lighting and sounds used were topnotch!
and you even get a free cowboy hat upon entrance.
how coooool is that?

the 1000-seat arena's picture that i took illegally

another reason i loved this place was well, if you've known me long enough, you should know that my favourite animal is the horse, despite the fact that i dont one and its damn hard to come by it in singapore. i loved the magnificent creatures used and i've got to admit, it was the main reason why i was so excited to go to the show.
i love you horsies!! =D

our last destination was Dreamworld, which wasnt included in the package, so my parents had to scour about to find the best deal for 6 adults and one child + transportation. they finally settled for the package offered by the hotel due to security reasons.

its a nice place, i must say.
but it had too many things to offer.
TOO MANY
that 6 hours were unable to accomodate.
and the queues were DAMN long lah.
imagine having to queve for more that 30 MINUTES for a freaking less-than-5-minutes that turned out to be not worth my wait!
ergh. irritating i tell you.

but the best thrill rides (of those that i managed to take),
was THE CLAW, hands down.
we got to see the landscape and all!

it goes 9 stories high, swinging up to 75km/h while spinning 360 degrees!
heart pumping, i tell you!!
woohoo!!

AND AND AND,
another great thing was,
its the home of NICKELODEON stars!!
heheh.
the kid in me conquered on that day!!
look who i met!!
hehe.

The Irritating Yellow Sponge and his Pink Sidekick!!
are you ready kids?
aye aye, captain!
i cant hear you!
aye aye captain!
oooooh,
who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Spongebob Squarepants!

and the amazing boy genius, JIMMY NEUTRON!

and we got to go to the Wiggles Village. so cuteeee.

of course, there were a bunch of others, but i didnt get to snap their pictures. =(

another great thing i forgot to mention was,
ALL THE THEMEPARKS HAD MUSOLLAH, AS IN PRAYER AREA!
so it was easy to both have fun and still carry out your duties as a responsible Muslim.
even singapore doesnt provide musollah!
waaah, i heart you Australia! =D

this was taken at Movieworld

anway, time to go to c)
ok, listen up.
whoever told you that it was difficult to find food in gold coast.
THEY LIED
there's loads of great food you can try!
especially kebabs.
shops selling kebabs are EVERYWHERE
so have no fear.
the BEST kebab, however, hails from this shop.

look at the size man!
definitely worth your buckeroos.

and if you want chicken or burgers,
you can always drop by

OPORTO!

their chicken and burgers are HUGE lah! and its cheap cheap!
man, i think throughout our trip,
all we ate were either veggies or chicken.
yummy ones at that too!

and, to top it off, every themepark has its own halal-certified restaurant!
yup, you dont have to crack your head to think of where to eat.

so definitely, no worries about food there.
your stomach wont be left grumbling!

for part d) however,
i have to leave that for later.
coz the things are still unpacked.
which means no pictures up yet.
next entry aights?

i can show you these though.

i'll tell you something though.

yup, you guessed right.
my 2 brothers, my cousin and myself busted AU$500++ on these 2 brands only!
the price was waaay cheaper as compared to singapore lah!
apa lagi, lantak lah kitorang!

and of course, there was a shop that sold clothes (in my size!) that were going at half price! i went crazy lah. its the kind of clothes you can find at MNG and TOPSHOP and FOREVER21 lah!

so i bought 3 dresses/maxis at only AU$53!
killer bargain lah!
wooots.

yerpx. we really shopped man.
imagine, we left with 4 bags altogether (excluding hand luggage).
guess how many came home with us?
8, EIGHT, LAPAN!!
and each bag exceeded its maximum weight!
lucky for us, the ~~cute~~ admin guy that was registering our flight closed one eye and let the luggage on board without extra charges!
hey, he should be happy, we contributed to his country's economy ok!

now, that was worth the S$10,000+++ spent on the holiday right?

anyway, click here to see more pictures alright? =D

Love,

Atikah

2006-12-02T18:27:00.000+08:00

Salam people.

Yes, you've heard right.

australia was fantantic, and i could've easily stayed there forever but too bad,

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

heh. will get back to you guys...

... as soon as i get re-acquainted with my darling bed!

love,
atikah

2006-11-25T20:54:00.000+08:00

Salam everyone,
let me show you something..

dont laught.
that was the skinny me 10 years ago at gold coast.
im not sure if its dreamworld or movieworld.

went there again a couple of times.
but couldnt find any decent pictures..

now,
a decade after taking this photo,
im going back, to the country i nearly called home.

pray for my safety to and back aight?
insyAllah, selamat pergi dan selamat balik

and dont worry, i wont fall in love with that place soo much until i wont come back to this tiny island.

till then,

BON VOYAGE!

Love,

Atikah

4p4 popstaers!

2006-11-22T21:39:00.000+08:00

Salaam all.

i shall take back what i said about the raya outing being a waste of my time.
no siree.. it wasnt.
in fact, it was great.

the makciks were there of course.

Sapa nyer beg jer yang kau bwk ni...

Eh, she's taking our picture lah!

it was only the first house, and guess what we the guys turned to?

the v-chairman at his best

from yew tee to woodlands,
look at what the couple was up to.

tsk tsk..

presenting our dear mr osgodby who waited for our arrival, with scrumptious food prepared for the gang!

after doing our asar and maghrib prayers there, he brought out his ~~dusty~~ photo albums, including his wedding pictures and those when he was back in england! man, he WAS different! gambar dulu-dulu lah katakan..

oooh... look at me then!

those wedding costumes were horrible! (or so he says)

and of course, we ended with a group photo.
Muslim students of 4P4 - minus Hisham and Sahida

yes, that's me in the middle looking all quote shafiqah "kakak-kakak". and just fyi, those sitting are members of the class exco. well, except for fazli (far left)

now, that was definitely a day well spent.

and did i tell you I LOST MY VOICE!
really.
i cant talk right now.
which sucks.

ps: PSLE result's coming out tomorrow at 12 noon.
yet my brother's still so damn relax!
*rolls eyes*

Love,

Atikah

2006-11-21T13:06:00.000+08:00

Salam people.

Funny how during school semester, you're wishing as hell that holidays will come. fast. but when its the holidays, you want the semester to start. fast.
Humans. tsk. Ungrateful beings.

So yes, im rotting at home, except for those raya outings. with great people. that makes me high on Coke and kuih raya-s. and oh-those-crappy moments. i'm gonna miss you lah people. one by one going overseas for studies / marital bliss. pelan-pelan kayuh lah atikah!

and yes, since 'O' levels are O-V-E-R, alhamdulillah, i have LOADS of time on my hands. which is supposed to be a blessing. because, i get to know things that have been KIV for quite some time. such as

ONE:
Spring cleaning (room)

Before:

yes, those are the sights that will greet me in the mornings (when i wake up) and afternoons (after papers).
trust me, as much as i hated that mess, i couldnt do anything during the exams period. so what do i do? when i want to study, i dump the whole mess of books and worksheets on my bed. and when im done, back to the table. tsk2.
but on the last day of exams (friday), i couldnt tahan the eyesore, so i stayed up to clean everything. THERAPY, i tell you!
it was between a) burning the books/worksheets and b)recycle them. so being the good person that i am, heh, i decided to give it to the recycling people that usually goes around collecting stuff on weekends. see, i've done a good deed!
so here's the end result.

After:

i can finally see my table!

and look at the amount of rubbish that i've been living with for the past 2 months!

thats 2 big black rubbish bag! (the others were from my brothers' room.)
cleaning is addictive, trust me!

TWO:
Write leaving and well-wishes notes to the class

you see, im a great chairperson. *rolls around in laughter*. so here was what i started with:

and 3 hours later:

some of the cards i made + lollipops!

THREE:
Do research on the junior colleges in Singapore

So after much thinking,
i've narrowed down to these jcs.

1st choice (InsyAllah!):

Raffles JC

2nd choice :

National JC

3rd choice:

St Andrew's JC

and erk, maybe? :

Anderson JC

and i've realised something about the screwed up education system in singapore.
a jc's either TOO good, or TOO mediocre. damn. how?

where will this girl with 7 points go to? damn. RJC's a 4-pointer, and NJC's a 6-pointer. Victoria should be among my choices but its at the other end of singapore! sheesh. they have a great humanities programme, besides rjc of course. nampaknya, i'll have to settle for nj...
hmm, should i put rjc as my first choice though. take the risk?
anyhow, i have until friday to decide..

gosh, time's ticking. going for raya outing later. with these people.

well, half of them anyway. solely 4p4. the guys and girls already went for their own outings respectively. sheesh. didnt follow suit, due to a certain.. discomfort. i cant seem to be in the same league as them lah!. ~~not now that syamil is not around, and my mentality is eons away differing from theirs.~~ this 4p4 outing is only for the purpose of crashing our form teacher's place. *rolls eyes*
~~waste of my time~~

speaking of which,

admiralty alumni (1997-2002), 25 november jadi tak??
tak ke semangat budak2 'o' level ni?? lepas raya pun nak pergi beraya lagi!

heh.
its time to go.
take care.

ps: My flight to Brisbane this Sunday has been delayed. Its now at 11pm. and no, you dont have to see me off.
Just pray for my safety; to and back!

Love,

Atikah

2006-11-21T01:01:00.000+08:00

Trust me.

I'm not THAT thick skin.

I may be friendly. I may be crazy.

But i have my pride too.

So fcuk it.

I know when im not wanted.

Thank you very much.

For nothing.

2006-11-20T14:57:00.000+08:00

Salam people.

I. AM. BACK.

word of warning : long entry ahead

first things first,
im officially 16. which isnt really a big deal. i mean, birthdays have never been BIG for me or anything. people usually forget my birthday. i've learnt not to expect anything from anyone. but before i sound so damn pathetic, i've got to say, there are some who remember 16 Nov to be special - to me at least.

that was the suprise belated birthday cake that these beautiful ladies got for me. (from left) Shirin, Syasya, Iqi.

the celebration was a suprise. what was supposed to be a last minute decision to catch a movie, became a movie outing + birthday celebration. trust me, i had no idea what was going on despite the fact that the 2 makciks were so damn late (but then again, whats new about that?), until the moment i stepped out of BK and saw the reflection of the lighted candles on the mirror display. i ~~think i~~ screamed when i saw it. i wanted to jump hysterically there and then. imagine that! you know, i was just ranting on and on with shirin about how screwed my birthday was the day before, and there they were, with big grins smacked across their face, singing a birthday song for me. thanks for remembering my birthday and celebrating it with me girls! i love you lah darlings!!

after hastily eating half of the sweet oreo addiction, to add more zing to that night, we went to watch :

one hot hot movie. MUST WATCH PEOPLE. especially fans of wentworth miller or hot bald guys! that channing tatum is hot lah. and the moves and music even gets the ever-so-stagnant dancer wanting to groove. trust me, the only reason why the 4 of us didnt end up clubbing that night was, well, the fact that i am now a changed person. alhamdulillah. im glad that they understood and respected me and my decision to leave that life behind. but we did enjoy ourselves didnt we? heh.

the show's message is cliched:
a)you've got to figure out your life.
b)work for your dreams
the focus was somewhat more on the dancing i guess...
funny how humans always only sit up and accepts reality only when something major smacks them in their face. always. especially if that something major is death. ~~im a real-life example~~
so go watch it.

that was on friday. saturday is another hyped-up day, with me having a date with my bro to:

yes. it was tough deciding whether to go to Melayu.com.sg or PGL, but my bro(below) helped me make the decision. which alhamdulillah, i didnt regret. i hope.

PGL was too expensive for him, and no way was i going to pay for his ticket! and he was interested in watching the theatre performance anyway, much to my surprise. i was quite worried when faris messaged me on friday night, saying that it was boring etc.. if it was boring to him, what about that little 12-year-old kid i was going to bring along?!?! but he found it interesting, so selamat aku! i was assigned to write the review for them anyway.

there were certain things that i liked, and some that i thought was just unnecessary in the play. the acting was good though. definitely worth the credit. hopefully the review will be regarded positively. the performance had its good and bad points, definitely. so wait for it to be published in BH, insyAllah.

bumped into some old pals from BH scriptwriting workshop. adib lost weight, and shireen still looks good. i didnt realise it was zahillah acting until after the show! bukan main eh kau! heh. ~~i met someone cute too!~~

btw, did i mention that dinosaur's extinct? yup. he is.
which is good, i think, since all my friends hate him.
thats just too bad.

i've runned out of things to say.
which is interesting.
i always have something to say.

well, im 16. and this is the most jumbled up entry i've ever written.
thanx for dropping by people.
till next time.

Love,

Atikah.

2006-10-22T17:18:00.000+08:00

Salam everyone.
Read up.

"Hari raya bukanlah hari hiburan atau liburan tetapi hari mensyukuri nikmat Ilahi dan memelihara kebersihan rohani (kembali fitrah). Sayangnya hampir semua sambutan agama hari ini sudah dikomersilkan."
-Uztaz Ahmad Dahari

Definitely well said.

Subhanallah. Ramadhan is nearing to its end. In fact, today will be last day of terawih prayers. i'll never know if there is ever another chance to meet with this blessed month again. for all i know, i'll meet with an accident tomorrow (nauzubillah), and meet Him sooner than expected. the heart yearns for something it cant get. ramadhan is leaving, a fact i have yet to accept. time flies by too fast, that at times, i regret not being able to do more ibadah during this month. so all im wishing for is that all my deeds and ibadah are accepted and accounted for, insyallah.

"Be more concerned with having your deeds accepted than the deed itself. Did you not hear Allah say: 'Verily Allah, only accepts those from those who fear Him. (i.e. possess taqwaa).' [5:27] "[Lata'if ul Ma`arif, p. 246]
-taken from here.

anyway, anybody going for the following event?

kind of sick isnt it? i mean, pardon me for saying this but hello?! lu otak mana?! yes, its the last day of ramadhan, and the next day is hari raya, so you have every right to celebrate, but like this? the whole thing's so fcuking commersialised that the true meaning of celebrating Eid after a whole month of fasting has so strayed from its path. this night, we're encouraged to proclaim the takbir, to praise Him for all that He has given us - The holy month of ramadhan especially. subhanallah. NOT celebrating like ~~[insert adjective here]~~ with all this hoo haa shit. well, at least not on this one night.tsk tsk.

dear friends, instead of hoo-haaing with the rest of the malay clan, drop by the nearest mosque and join in the takbir, or stay at home with your family and do the last minute preparations for eid celebrations! or maybe, if you have some free time, how about dropping by this event?

its the finale for ryc events this year. - mass takbir over at eunos mrt. youths are encouraged to participate in this event to signify the end of ramadhan and the coming of the new month of syawal. nope, im not doing free publicity but its a genuine request for you to rethink the actual meaning of ramadhan. why waste one whole month of good deeds just by indulging in one night of.. nothing-ness? subhanallah. think about it my friends. and no,i wont be at the mass takbir. insyallah, i'll be at darul makmur close with my loved ones. =)

anyway, i was browsing through islaam.net and i came across this wonderful article. do spend some time and read up. its titled Life after Ramadhan.

now i will have to take my leave and return to my spring cleaning task!

Love,

atikah.

2006-10-19T23:40:00.000+08:00

salams people.
glad to be back.
even though its freaking near to midnight and i have class to attend tomorrow.
not to mention i need to get a piece of poetry done for convo ceremony.
yikes!

ok first thing first, i need to mention something.
after more than a month of, eherm, deprivation, i finally get to meet my dinosaur yesterday for iftar. yes, i finally got him to get out of hibernation mode and steal him for a short while, just so i get to see him and nag at him again. heh. it wasnt planned though. it was after sahur, he called, and we decided to iftar together. and then back to sleep. i guess the whole thing only sank in when i woke up a few hours later...

the venue that we chose was made at the spur of the moment. and from the looks of it, i think he regretted it. no wait. he was uncomfortable being there with me. he didnt admit it though, but if a guy refuse to look at you and instead looks everywhere else, feeling self-conscious, well, i should get the idea right? so yeah, we did bump into some of his friends. ~~funny how he always forgets to do introductions~~. anyway, i've not gotten to the BIG part yet.

I MET HIS FOLKS.
we detoured from going to al-taqwa mosque for maghrib, to, well, his place. being the ever-conservative female [heh!], he had to drag me to his place. I WASNT READY FOR GOD'S SAKE. it was weird, doing my prayers there. trust me. i was at my very best behaviour. fyi, his mom is in USA, and he never knew his dad, so he's staying with his stepgrandma(his grandpa remarried}. but it was the lady who brought him up, so yeah, it was nervewrecking as hell. but apparently, it was for nothing coz i acknowledge me as ~~just a friend~~, and yeah, i wasnt the first girl he brought home anyway.

he finally realised that i had to leave or i'll reach home at 11. on the way to the bus stop, talked about him getting a car, his job interview, his future education plans. him. it was nice to finally be able to get him to talk about himself, and not just let him hear me rant on and on about nonsensical stuff when all i want to talk about is something totally different. then i realised something. odd.

I was nowhere in his future plans.

maybe im rushing into things. maybe i didnt hear properly. maybe i'm just someone convenient.

at the bus-stop, waiting
Me: Can i talk with another guy over the phone at night?
Him: Up to you.
Me: Can i go out with another guy? Just the two of us?
Him: As you wish. You know your limits.
Me: Are you going to accompany me home?
Him: Do you want me to?
Me: Its up to you.
Him: Then, no i dont think so. Do you mind if i just see you off from here?
Me: *shrugs*

so, i went home the same way i came. alone. it didnt matter. it didnt matter at all. ~~it would've been nice to see me off at least up till bedok interchange though.~~

so tell me, am i walking willingly into a pot of boiling soup? or am i threading a thin wire over hot stones?

the lower your expectations, the lesser the pain you feel

so, im just a friend, no?

Love,

Atikah.

2006-10-12T22:39:00.000+08:00

salams everyone.
how have you been?
fine alhamdulillah i hope.

gosh, i need to rant.
(this is going to be a hell of a jumbled-up entry)

first up, prelims results are up. all i have to say - alhamdulillah. words cannot describe the immense gratitude i feel towards Him. subhanallah. the night when all the results were finalised (after moderation), i teared before Him as i thanked him so.
Prelims 2006
English - B4 [screwed up!!]
Higher Malay - A1
Malay Lit (Full Humans) - A1
Combined Humans (SS & Hist) - A2
E. Maths - A1
A. Maths - B4
P. Physics - A2
P. Chem - B4
L1R5 : 11
yes, i know its only prelims, but insyAllah, i will do much better for 'O's. thats my promise. so please dear Allah, don't let me slack during this last lap. its go go Go! time to sprint baby! i will make myself proud. God Willing.

ok next up, more 'recent' issues.
i realised that with 'o's around the corner, more of us are being faced with obstacles and challenges. dugaan datang bertimpa-timpa beb! and the funny thing, its all mainly due to relationships. what with the full-time jerk boyfriend, the i-hate-you-but-i-love-you syndrome, the ever competitive boyfriend and of course, with regards to yours truly, the who-am-i-to-you question. so yes, not everything's fair in couplesville. sometimes i even wonder whether i SHOULD be there or am i just self-disillusioned to believe that i actually belong there.

its one thing that he's acting like a Chipsmore cookie, sometimes he's around, sometimes he's not, and its another thing to leave me completely hanging waiting for a blardy explanation that never seems to justify. i wont lie that he's got my heart, but if this is the way things are going to be, well, its safe to say that im not willing to go through all this crap. i need to know what the hell is going on in his life, and it doesnt help that he's constantly away in camp and even when he's out, he's staying at the other end of this freaking SMALL island. why oh why did i get stuck to an eastside guy?!?!

conversation's sparse. it fcuking short, what 5 minutes? and that is if he even bothers to call. hello, do you freaking expect me to call you everytime? i have my dignity to speak of. gah. its frustrating when you feel like you're two strangers, not knowing whats going on in the other person's life. its worst when there's a third party who's starting to get involved. but i wont touch on that just yet.

baby, lets work it out shall we?

i love the fact that my friendships with some of the girls in school are growing closer by the minute. after 4 years, its only now when we actually delve into a deeper meaning of friendship. i love you guys (shafiqah & anum)! thank you for allowing me to open up my heart and trusting once again. you're a gem. makcik slengers unite! heh.

im getting stuck on hady mirza's songs. gosh. that is spastic! no offence. but he sounds good. yeah! serenade me to sleep baby!

gosh. i just read the whole freaking entry. *rolls eyes* heh. too bad.
will he call tonight...? im tired of waiting like a fool.

Salams,

Atikah.

2006-09-23T15:41:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah, the glorious month of Ramadhan is finally here.

Contrary to the majority of teenagers, i look forward more to the coming of ramadhan as compared to syawal aka Hari Raya Aidilfitri. well, of course, this has only become the case recently. in fact, i actually dread the end of ramadhan, for a month of glory and hope will be over. i've learnt a new meaning of ramadhan, a purer and clearer view of it. for ramadhan is not only about abstaining from food and drinks, but its abstaining from all the things that taints the soul. its a month where we muslims, strive to get his blessings and as much pahala as we possibly can. when else can you possibly take up such a generous offer of such?

ramadhan holds a deeper meaning to me. it is during this month, that i have been shone upon the light of heedayah, that initiated the major change that i made in my life. from a wayward kid who hides her insecurities by indulging in the forbidden, to someone who dedicates her life to achiving his blessings. alhamdulillah, since then, i've never looked back. now, i dont run from my insecurities, i face them, and im not alone, for He's always with me, whether i realise it or not. all i have to do is seek for Him, and insya'Allah, everything will turn out just fine, for tomorrow is a brand new day, and with every breath, comes hope.

it has nearly been a year since i chose this path and time has passed by at a pace too fast for me to be able to procrastinate. in due time, i will be sitting for my 'O's, and till then, i shall take full advantage of the power of Ramadhan to facilitate my last lap of revision. insya'Allah, i will gain the berkat of this month and get His blessings. with ramadhan, i hope to achieve a pure and clear soul, to prepare for the battle, and to come back with the light of victory emitting itself from within. it is all possible, together with determination, hard work, and His and my parents' blessing, i will be do it. i wont let them down. i wont let myself down. God willing.

im praying hard that this ramadhan will be as meaningful as the last. im praying that i appreciate this ramadhan as much as the last. and im praying that the last few days of ramadhan will have the same impact on me as the last had. insya'Allah.

the following has been taken from Islamic Q and A, and hopefully you'll realise/learn there's more to fasting than just abstaining from eating and drinking.

Fasting is a means that makes us appreciate and give thanks for pleasures. For fasting means giving up eating, drinking and sexual intercourse, which are among the greatest pleasures. By giving them up for a short time, we begin to appreciate their value. Because the blessings of Allaah are not recognized, but when you abstain from them, you begin to recognize them, so this motivates you to be grateful for them.
Fasting is a means of giving up haraam things, because if a person can give up halaal things in order to please Allaah and for fear of His painful torment, then he will be more likely to refrain from haraam things. So fasting is a means of avoiding the things that Allaah has forbidden.
Fasting enables us to control our desires, because when a person is full his desires grow, but if he is hungry then his desire becomes weak. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "O young men! Whoever among you can afford to get married, let him do so, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and protecting one’s chastity. Whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a shield for him."
Fasting makes us feel compassion and empathy towards the poor, because when the fasting person tastes the pain of hunger for a while, he remembers those who are in this situation all the time, so he will hasten to do acts of kindness to them and show compassion towards them. So fasting is a means of feeling empathy with the poor.
Fasting humiliates and weakens the Shaytaan; it weakens the effects of his whispers (waswaas) on a person and reduces his sins. That is because the Shaytaan "flows through the son of Adam like blood" as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, but fasting narrows the passages through which the Shaytaan flows, so his influence grows less.

Shaykh al-Islam said in Majmoo' al-Fataawa, 25/246

Undoubtedly blood is created from food and drink, so when a person eats and drinks, the passages through which the devils flow – which is the blood – become wide. But if a person fasts, the passages through which the devils flow become narrow, so hearts are motivated to do good deeds, and to give up evil deeds.
The fasting person is training himself to remember that Allaah is always watching, so he gives up the things that he desires even though he is able to take them, because he knows that Allaah can see him.
Fasting means developing an attitude of asceticism towards this world and its desires, and seeking that which is with Allaah.
It makes the Muslim get used to doing a great deal of acts of worship, because the fasting person usually does more acts of worship and gets used to that.

with that done, i have to resume writing my testimonial for secondary school life. great! perfect opportunity to blow my own trumpet. =))

Love and Salam,

Atikah

2006-09-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

Random midnight ramblings

its 10 minutes to midnight and im still on.

couldnt coax my eyes to sleep and go to lala-land, so psycho-ed my bro to let me use the computer again. baah. it could be because i slept for 4 hrs in the afternoon, all the way to 830.

which reminds me, i have yet to qada' solat maghrib.

dinosaur went back to tekong for one whole week. and i feel horrible because he was hospitalised for THREE days last week for high fever, and i had absolutely no idea. how nice right. and he terminated his handphone number, so the only way is for him to contact me. which apparently he didnt. and i found out yesterday night when he gave me a 5 minute call just as i was about to fall asleep - to tell me that liverpool lost the match. what the?! ok fine, i was happy to hear from him, and all, but....

now can somebody tell me, do my insecurities stand on good grounds or what?

prelims just flew by. everything happens so fast, and before i know it, its o levels. even ramadhan is just around the corner! i.am.chasing.time then what the hell are you doing here! insyallah, my prelims results should be fine. a few distinctions should be viable. this is it. this is my decision. this is my choice. no time for regrets.

did i mention that my mood swings are going haywire all over again. at times im able to get it so under control, and sometimes, well, lets just say all hell break loose. i still seek solace in Him, for i still hold on to the belief that all of these are just tests for my faith. i failed before, i wont fail again. whatever the hurdle, i know im capable of achieving success. i have a mission to accomplish as His humble servant, and insyallah, i will with all my might. but i am a normal human being, though normal seems to be an understatement. i make mistakes, and am extremely vulnerable to the worldly temptations, and many a times i've given in. im not proud of it, but hey, its the truth.

my anxiety attacks are killing me. especially now i have enough difficulty to breathe in the first place. apparently, it runs in the family. gosh. i dont need this, not with o's coming soon.

Please give me the strength Allah, for only to you do i seek solace and forgiveness. Insyallah.

2006-09-18T22:25:00.000+08:00

salam people!

i am still one sick female. and for once its not tonsillitis.

apparently there's a lot of phlegm and its blocking my respiratory system all over. if its not the chest, its the nose. so i have to regulate my breathing respectively. its been some time since i last caught a cold, so it was quite difficult to adjust. i mean, if its tonsillitis, all i have to do is dig into a tub of ice-cream! and i can psycho the brothers to never touch the ice-cream, meaning i have it all to myself! yeah. and the psycho-ing usually fails. blah. what do two little boys about getting infected? all the better for them - no school!

and being one stubborn girl, despite being #@%@#^%@ sick and having TWO papers to prepare for the next day,i headed for tampines mall yesterday for the RYC 2006 Launch. RYC = Ramadhan Youth Challenge. as usual, with the advantage of the concession fare rate, went there by 969 with the guys. who said that girls are always late! i waited for those heroes for nearly 1/2 hour - basket! and uztaz fairuz kept texting me to remind me that we need to be there by 10am. yeah right. we boarded the bus at 0945. star karat you!

we got freebies! well, one freebie - a cool looking long-sleeved tshirt with a sticker at the back which i jakunly tried to peel off. being the ever so slenger me, together with aisyah n aini, we decided to just wear the garment OVER our existing clothes. BIG MISTAKE! i was suffocating half the time under the heat. plus my already phlegm-blocked system. gaaaaah! and we still had to head down to BUGIS for street dakwah. had to hand out tiny booklets in attempt to raise awareness for the upcoming ramadhan month. i just have to say that i was lucky to have great company to survive the ordeal. Alhamdulillah. Thank YOU for blessing me with fantastic people.

the performance part of the launch was attractive so to speak. it was definitely arranged in an attempt to attract youths - which group of youths? hmmm.. honestly, felt quite out of place then. i loved it went the uztaz-s went on stage and sang. gaaaah. they were good. so went around mingling with the boys and people from MDM. met quite a few old friends, and started to bring up the past. sufyan nearly choked on his drink when i went up to him and said hi! gosh - the impact i had. he just stood there dumbfounded and stared at me for a good minute before regaining composure and answered my salam.

Sufyan: siollah. who are you and what have you done to my friend?!
Atikah: *laughing* i kidnapped her and sent her to outer space. she was a threat to world peace.
Sufyan: memang sah kau atikah! tak habis-habis dengan merepek kau! siollah, kau dah berubah siol.
Atikah: Alhamdulillah. bolehlah jugak.
Sufyan: sumpah siol. dulu kau nak pakai tudung pun susah, apa lagi nak datang event2 macam gini. wah, power ar. minah basket dah taubat seh. yes! there's still hope for the rest of them. oh btw, kau dah kurus siol!

sempat dia puji aku. heh. yes, he is one of the few people that calls me minah basket. dont ask me where it came from. it was those times when i was still leading a wayward lifestyle. and note his vocabulary. tsk tsk. it was a pleasant experience, meeting friends that have long ceased to cross each others paths. and of course, the meeting of new people that share the same faith. i fell in love with my facilitators - fadzillah and roqayah. they're people of substance. makes good company, without a doubt. and i was officially the underage girl of the day. the guys choked when the register guy said i needed to fill in an extra form for the underaged. baaaah. pecah rahsia aku. abang, saya pun nak belon!!! heh.

its late. i should go sleep.

love,

atikah

Rub Me Good!

2006-09-14T23:26:00.000+08:00

the best way to end a long day of mental struggle sitting in the examination venue for your prelim papers? a damn good traditional massage! it sets everything right, i tell you!

nope, i didnt visit the spa. more or less, the spa CAME to me! yes. you got it. its not the high class masseuse that you pay #$@%@%# money for a ~~stupid~~ soothing rub that well, only handles the exterior of your body. its the makcik urut! you know, that oh-so-skilled usually elder woman who goes around earning a living rubbing people's body. heh. that sounds wrong. anyway, the woman came over my place at about 12, my mum's doings this afternoon, waaaaaay ahead of schedule - she was supposed to come at 3 - and i had to rush home straight after the #%%$&*% emaths paper 2. the phone rang a few seconds after i actually switched it on outside of school. wtf. nice timing siot. was hopping to grab lunch or watch the guys play soccer or something.

reached home in record time. never had i been able to travel from school back home or vice versa in 25 minutes. well, probably because i usually take my own sweet time, observing people along the way. takde kerja lah katakan reached home, was told to STRIP to the mere basics [bra excluded] and lie on the mattress. i had to request for a piece of towel to protect my modesty. i am so not used to this naked affair. and i wasnt even allowed to clean up first. gosh. the horror. heh.

NOBODY warned me of the impending pain. and i could have really used it to prepare mentally. it was painful lah. she was trying to sort of my #$$^%*)* muscles , or is it veins? hmm, urat lah. yes, as you know, i am somewhat a major klutz. at least, when i am. and i ALWAYS trip/fall down, especially in the time when i was bigger, so there were loads of wrong-ed veins/muscles that needed to be sorted out and she needed to put my uterus back in place - it was lower than normal - and i have one word to sum the experience.

OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHH!!!

you get my point. it hurtsssss. and tickles at the same time! i'm an extremely ticklish person you see. so half the time, i was laughing. even I wasnt sure if it was the pain or the tickles. trust me. it didnt matter. i was biting on to my brother's pillow so that i wont burst out screaming or laughing. i am such a confused girl. lol. but after everything was somewhat set right - it should be! - it was actually quite relaxing. i have no idea how she does it. i have no idea even how she knew my uterus was out of place! i loved it when she cracked my bones - especially my spine! the @%$$@#%#^! tension in my shoulders and back are gone for now. yeah me!

and the lesson is, so long as you can stand the temporary pain, you'll feel the bliss soon after! Masya'Allah!

ahhhhhhh.....

3 more papers to go before the end of the prelims! amaths p2 and chem p1&2. they better be good! insya'Allah

yes, the papers have made me gone mad. temporarily. and dinosaur's away at tekong dammit. its amazing how therapeutic phone calls can be. at least he'll be back tomorrow. insya'Allah

Salam everyone,

atikah

He's my eye-candy!

2006-09-12T13:55:00.000+08:00

so they say that indonesian sinetrons are always revolving around the same damn thing etc.. i so agree with you. and why do they keep potraying the female lead to be so naive and vulnerable?!?! ok, maybe she's supposed to potrayed in a positive light - being patient and leaving everything up to faith. but hello?!?! stand up for yourself wont you! i get so pissed at @!%#@%#$^ family members in the story. sungguh the jahat you know! sure got anybody like there ke?

ok great now that's out of my system.

anyway, i do agree that the indonesian sinetrons that are aired during the pre-Ramadhan period are usually good, in sense that they actually potray strong islamic values and such. alhamdulillah. and another thing that i ~~should~~ am grateful for, is of course, the gorgeous cast! where else can you actually get to feast your eyes on such hearththrobs who have amazing features and such a bersih look? and for those who know me - especially my 'taste' for the opposite sex, well, they'll know that i'll go weak in the knees when i see guys that have that clean, bersih look. they just look... so fine! and eherm, definitely someone whom you feel safe enough to bring home and meet your parents. aaaaahhhh. how nice.

i've got to admit that at times i know nuts about whats going on in the story. hello? i dont really have all the time in the world to follow it religiously every single week! so you can say that i have an on-off relationship with Hikmah, such that i'll usually get to watch it by chance. but heck, who cares. i'm a normal 16-year-old girl who has raging hormones and truly appreciates the opposite sex. eherm.. Masya'Allah. gunawan melts my heart. BIG TIME. even teuku ryan is no match for him! *swooooons*

i am such a sucker for guys like him! wonder how come the guys in my life are never like that...?

ohwell, i guess i have to settle with my dinosaur sayang...

but hey! its good to have a dream! right....?

2006-09-09T14:15:00.000+08:00

time and again, i remind myself. Don't speak too soon.

Guess what i did?

***********

having someone within you, who constantly nags at you, remind you of whats right and wrong, keeping your sanity intact, isn't necessarily bad. i mean, if thats the only person that you've got, well, live with it. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

there are days when i'll be sitting on the prayer mat, crying silently to Him, and making my insecurities be heard. for i know, He will always be there for me when i need him, and when insanity comes threateningly, knocking on my door, my only shield will be my faith in Him and believing in qadaa' and qadar. After everything that happened, be it the good or the bad, i believe that everything that happened, happens for a reason. and i should and will always, face the future straight-on. there are no longer reasons for me to hide under the covers of masks and lies, for i know too well, that the hurt will come back to slap me tight in the face.

but, i am human. i'm more than aware of the mistakes that i'm bound to make. i still have much khilaaf within me, and have a long way to go before finding true inner peace. there's still the devil within me who continuously struggles to make my life difficult, no matter how strong i try to be. there are days when i feel so at peace, and others, when i feel so insecure and anxious. those are the days, when i feel like giving up and going back into the sheltered facade that i used to live by.

its a struggle to live a new way of life, the islam way of life, when everybody thinks im living the old, havoc and wild life. when i recall the past, the calamities of everyday life, the strayed lifestyle that i once led, i weep silently of all the lost times and grief over the sins that i've committed. yet at the same time, i sit before Him and thank Him for letting me lead that lifestyle once, so much, that i can finally treasure this chance that He presented to me. Now, i no longer seek solace in the thick red liquid that oozes from my forearm everytime the blade slices through it, but instead, in His presence and understanding. i can weep, cry, vent out all the pain and anger in front of Him, and seek for help from Him, seek for peace of mind, and soul. and everytime, without fail, He always grant the wishes of those who remember Him.

people come and go. a painful fact that i've grown to accept with much heartache. but i've learned to accept and appreciate whoever that cross my path in life, and let them go when the time ensues. its a matter of finally coming to terms with yourself, and embracing the faith. its a matter of knowing who to turn to in times of need, and its a matter of loving and believing the right things. its a matter of never giving up, even when half of you just want to be helpless and crumble under the weight.

But with hardship comes relief and vice versa. its a law of nature, acknowledge it. for life is but a vicious cycle.

why am i saying all this in the middle of the night? trust me, i am no machine, nor am i no robot. i ache and hurt, just like every single one of you. all these happenings are just too much and threaten to turn on the waterworks any time. i know its too much to ask from your significant other to try to understand the personality disorder that you've experienced for years, and i know its unreasonable to expect too much from your significant other whom you just know and learn to appreciate. im just hoping that whatever feelings of hope and love that's between the two of us, is strong enough to withstand this raging storm of emotions and insecurities within me. insya'allah, for this feeling is too pure and ikhlaas, to be wasted away just like that.

~~i really do love you.~~

but before anything, i really need a good sob. i need to get it all out of my system. i need to unburden my woes to Him because verily only He knows best.

Abu Hurairah (radhiallaahu`anhu) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (sallallaahu‘alaihi wasallam) said: “Our Rabb, the Blessed, the Superior, comes down every night to the nearest heaven to us during the last third of the night. Then, He says: ‘(Is there anyone) who invokes Me, (demands anything from Me) so that I respond to his invocation? (Is there anyone) who asks Me for something so that I may grant him his request? (Is there anyone) who seeks My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?’” [Sahih Bukhari]

2006-09-07T12:42:00.000+08:00

i hate it when insecurities start settling in.

blardy fcuk.

im in a joyless euphoria.

lets just hope he can handles this.

stupid personality disorder

2006-09-05T02:09:00.000+08:00

they always said that there's always "The first"

The first 'F' on the report car.
The first crush.
The first best friend.
The first car.
The first love.
and...
The first boyfriend.

And they ALWAYS said, "Open up your heart and mind to new possibilities, for you'll never know what He has in store for you"

and i usually went, "yeah yeah whatever..."
well, until recently.

Thank you Allah for bringing that someone into my life. Thank you for answering my prayers. And thank you for finally allowing me to open my heart to that someone.

It was difficult going from not trusting the opposite sex to completely falling for one of their counterparts. Yes, i must say, THIS IS SUCH PERFECT TIMING, what with o's just around the corner and all. but i must say, he is one guy that can knock some sense into my head everytime an anxiety attack occur. and he is one guy i can depend on emotionally and eherm, physically.

It took me AGES to finally admit to myself that i actually fell for him, and needed him to protect my sanity and from myself, and guess how long its going to take for me to actually utter those words to him. Thank God he's a heck of a patient man. Too patient i think. But that's good. FOR ME at least. i'm just crossing my fingers, hoping that it'll be a looooooong while before he finally gets fed-up over my insane ways and similarly insane mood swings.

Yes, yEs, yeS, YES!
He is finally here to stay.

and 030906 marks the start of something new.

2006-09-03T14:47:00.000+08:00

the one time when i'm actually allowed to log on to the computer guilt-free, there's a freaking *dangdut-based event thingy being held at the multi-purpose hall right beside my block.
a) its freaking annoying.
b) its pakcik2/makcik2 infested
c) its damn noisy.
and guess what? I'M ON THE 12TH FLOOR! its times like this that i pity those who stay below me...

anyway, the day that both teachers and students wait for - teacher's day - just passed and i MUST say, this was the BESTTTTT teacher's day celebration in my whole schooling life. and its not only because of the teachers. heh. this is honestly the first time i've seen and experienced a great class. like woah. you see, for teacher's day, there'll always be FOOD DELIGHT after the concert, this year was the first year that my class table had LOADS of foood, and, for the past 3 years, it had always been in a pathetic state, but this year, alhamdulillah, it was COMPLETELY covered. and being such a food-lover, apa lagi DIG IN lah!! now look lah, how can i not love my class.
this is also the first year, yes, FIRST year, that my class has ever bought any teacher's day present. and get this, EVERY SINGLE TEACHER that taught my class as a whole got a token from my class. cool huh? hahaha. trust me, last year, our former form teacher didnt even received so much as a card for this occasion! how evil can we get man....?

pictures were taken. LOADS of crazy snapshots were taken. it'll make up one crazy collection of crazy people. definitely. and it'll definitely be one heck of a momento for us. why must we bond so close now only when the o's are so blardy near?!?!?!

let me shout this out now.

I LOVE YOU GUYS 4P4 POPSTAERS!!!!!!

gosh. i've lost my train of thoughts. ahah. will go look for my mojo now. till next time.

2006-08-27T13:03:00.000+08:00

Salams everyone!

How are you? =D

I would like to invite all of you to purchase a ticket at this musical forum. It is very interesting – a new concept altogether. There will be acts like silat, sajak, rap, acapella and many more. Here is an extract from their marketing materials:

Glorious month of Ramadhan is around the corner and 3Es Services is proud to present, for the first time ever, a creative collaboration effort by Asatizah called Forum Irama – Senandung Ramadhan to welcome this month of baraqah, to be held on Friday, 22 September 2006.

Details of the forum are as follows:
Event : Forum Irama – Senandung Ramadhan

Date : Friday, 22 September 2006

Time : 7:45 pm to 9:30 pm

Venue : SingPost Pavilion Theatrette, 10 Eunos Road 8, Singapore Post Centre

Forum Irama – Senandung Ramadhan is an innovative dialogue performance that discusses the wholesome beauty of Ramadhan. The concept is musical. Will be delivered by five Asatizah, being the lead cast and will feature songs as well as other acts such as sajak, rap, acapella and many more. Accompanying the cast are five aspiring young musicians performing on instruments such as the flute, guitar and percussions.

This forum aims to heighten awareness and promote the spirit of Ramadhan through music, providing an alternative da’wah through educational entertainment, and to inculcate love and compassion among fellow Muslims through the performance.

I will be going and also helping out at the performance, and hope to see some of you there on that day. See the poster for ticket reservations if you wish to go. Do forward and share this piece of effort to all your friends who are into ‘seni’ and keen in such a performance.

weeeeeeeeeee,

Atikah

2006-08-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

i've recently been diagnosed [by an aspiring psychiatrist] with borderline personality.

courtesy of standford.edu
Diagnosis
A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent.

Symptoms
Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.

Etiology
It is a common disorder with estimates running as high as 10-14% of the general population. The frequency in women is two to three times greater than men. This may be related to genetic or hormonal influences. An association between this disorder and severe cases of premenstrual tension has been postulated. Women commonly suffer from depression more often than men. The increased frequency of borderline disorders among women may also be a consequence of the greater incidence of incestuous experiences during their childhood. This is believed to occur ten times more often in women than in men, with estimates running to up to one-fourth of all women. This chronic or periodic victimization and sometimes brutalization can later result in impaired relationships and mistrust of men and excessive preoccupation with sexuality, sexual promiscuity, inhibitions, deep-seated depression and a seriously damaged self-image. There may be an innate predisposition to this disorder in some people. Because of this there may ensue subsequent failures in development in the relationship between mother and infant particularly during the separation and identity-forming phases of childhood.

can someone please smack me hard in the head? i desperately need it.

2006-08-20T13:37:00.000+08:00

ok lets take a deep breath shall we?

.................

I LOVE BEING A TEACHER!

ok so that's said and done.

heh.

yes, the one job that was striked off from my "POSSIBLE OCCUPATION PROSPECTS" proved to be a very attractive one. at least as of now. so what made the change of mind anywhere possible?

i became an unofficial ~~religious~~ teacher today. i taught not one, not two, but three classes - ranging from young 'uns to those in their adolescent years. it was fun and challenging at the same time. mind you, im not teaching english/maths/science here! its religion-based! i cant possibly spew anything and hope that its true. i'l be $#%%^@#$ if i did that. religion is one thing that you should not fool around with.

anyway, i loved the feeling of standing in front of the class, in front of the 20-odd people who's staring at you, waiting for you to say something. it started out quite awkward actually, i mean, i was the only person blabbing on and on trying to make the lesson more interesting. alhamdulillah, the class got the hang of it and interacted more. and the flow was there. i yakked on and on - relevant to the topic of course! - and everybody would be hyped up and participating. trust me, the kind of things that you'll get from these kids - classic! everybody ended up laughing so hard (and loud at that), that another teacher came to check what the commotion was about. luckily, in spite of all the fun that we were having, i managed to get the message across. it was all smooth sailing, with active participation from the kids, even those who were probably older than me (though they might not know it). well, all but one class.

it was an all-boys class. [what did you expect?]

oh boy. they were active alright. in fact, too active. actually it could be in a good way, if that one guy wasnt present. why? he came in late, when i had already started teaching, and without knowing head or tail of whats happening, began challenging and questioning everything i said. trust me, both my partner and I were stunned for a while. there he sat, with a cheeky grin smack on his face, asking questions to totally irrelevant topics. and when he subsequently managed to grasp the fact that i was teaching something, he began giving straight comments and challenging everything. again.

its fine that he's participating actively. but the fact that he's so impatient and contradicting towards himself kinds of puts you off. its like he's trying to undermine you and really make it hard. hello, we're on attachment here!! so being me, i challenged him back with my own hard facts. so you guessed it, a heated debate started. it was frustrating at first cos he would interrupt every time i'm talking, and when i try to divert the class back to the hadith that i was teaching, he digress again. $#%$@!#$%# luckily the rest of the class managed to stop him - just in time for them to recite the doa to go home. great. i didnt even get to complete the topic. that guy gave me such a heart attack!

but i guess, thats where the fun is right?

so to the classes that i taught today, with whom i really enjoyed the time spent teaching hadith and akhlak,
a) PR2/2 [mixed]
b) R 3/1 [boys]
c) R 3/2 [girls]
THANKS FOR COOPERATING!

* actually, this stint was an attachment project for my final year in this particular religious institution. heh!

i was offered to come and stand in for some other teachers again though. part time job? hmmm, i dont think they'll pay though.. :(

2006-08-14T04:57:00.000+08:00

im bored.

trying to find cartoons that'll fit your teachers is a heck of a difficult job.

seriously! coz on one hand, you want it to be fun blah blah blah, and on the other hand, you're worried they'll be offended. or you cant even find a cartoon character to suit them at all!

preparing for teacher's day isnt so easy i guess.

teachers - who doesnt love them?

its teachers that will go all out for you to make sure you achieve your potential. no matter how much you curse them, hate them for giving you detention, grumble because of the tons of homework they pile on us, it still holds that they're doing it for our own good. hey, we're doing ONE homework, and we're grumbling? they're marking more that 100 sets of homework! ~~that's why teachers have no life~~ =)

so we should thank them! who knows, you'll probably end up to be a teacher one day!

ok now, back to studying.

blah. its just for a few more months!

2006-08-14T01:26:00.000+08:00

my whole family tried to boycott me to not study yesterday. but i had my study group over at the mosque you see, so they didnt exactly succeed. haha. but they did drag me to jb straight from the mosque, so that i wont continue studying at home. -_-"

people! 'o' levels are just around the corner! I NEED TO STUDY!

tmd. im getting paranoid. insane studying is not helping. really. whoever knew that studying can make you fall sick?!?! look at me! im suffering from a freaking aching back and flu. and the doctor said its because i'm too stressed. and he gave me a lecture about taking care of my mental/psychological health.

but you see doctor,
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IM DOING BY STUDYING!

you never know the joy studying can bring, well, until you actually sit down and do it. its great. it keeps my mind off things that will make me more depressed whatsoever. so yes, studying is MY remedy. it wont kill me, insyAllah. so there's nothing to worry my dear darlings.

gosh, maybe it is true. i need to get a life! heh. but then again, that can wait after 'o' levels. haha. *knocks head on the wall*

~~i am so screwed.~~

2006-08-12T07:43:00.000+08:00

whoever knew that too much stress can cause you to suffer from a sprained back?!?!

what the hell.

i've been like a blardy sick person this few days thanks to a blardy aching back.

you know how it feels when ur feet goes numb after sitting on the floor for too long?

yeah, i've had that - and guess what, its not my leg, its the whole RIGHT side of my back!

and i cant blardy bend down or sit down properly on the table without crying out loud coz the of the stinging pain.

i have been one hell of a couch potato~

and the doctor said im too stressed?! yeah right!

heh.

2006-08-09T13:11:00.000+08:00

the national day parade in school was crap. no march pass,no proper command and need i say that some contingents cant march?!?! at all! and the GOH were not even wearing their number one uniform. how sad. why? in the words of npcc mates, "The guest-of-honour isnt important enough" blah. who made such a crap rule? guest-of-honour is still guest-of-honour by all means.

anyway,

the celebration in the hall was much better. cheering comp started off quite miserably. but the mood went up after a while. the upper sec classes displayed excellent class spirit. the karaoke sessions really was the best part of the celebration. everybody let their hair down and had fun! especially the sec 4s, under the pretext that its our last year in the school, so whatever embarrasment that we bring upon ourselves doesnt really matter. so what did a whole bunch of crazy and hyperactive girls do?

we stood up and danced.

it was a spontaneous act. we had actually planned to sit at the back of the hall, well, so that we could stand up to dance, but were inevitably pushed to the front of the hall, yes front [read: in full view of the whole school]. but who cares? i was especially itching to stand up and do an encore of last year's celebration [we danced the whole way to last year's theme song], so when the chance presented itself, why wait? one look of each other, grins breaking out on every one of the faces, we stood up there and then and began to sway to HOME. and whats a karaoke session without singing? so yerp, we sang our hearts out.

my, it must have been quite a sight.

guess what, even our discipline master smiled approvingly at our high spirits. he was even laughing along with us! and yes, being such a great school, everybody began to join us slowly. so by the time the second song started, nearly the whole student body and quite a number of teachers were up on their feet, singing and dancing. it was a great moment, being part of such an event. its not everyday you get to link hands with your teachers and sing along to national day tunes!

and of course, customary to all school events, the celebration ended with a whooping school cheer. not once, not twice, but 3 times! the school cheer proudly displayed out great school spirit, and it didnt matter what level/stream/cca you were in. nobody bothered.

today, im proud to be a bpian

its sad to realise that this will be the last year such crazy acts will be carried out thanks to us crazy people.

soon, it'll be hello cramped hands and goodbye bpghs.

2006-08-08T13:53:00.000+08:00

its funny when you change, people look at you and refuse to acknowledge the fact that you're a different person and expect to be treated in a different manner. [read: respect]

just because there's a 101 minah tudung-s out there who have no ounce of self-respect in them, doesnt mean the same goes for me. if i chose to remain the same bitch that i was back then, i wouldnt have chose to don the tudung right? you freaking know im not the kind of girl who's so self-deprived that all my actions will revolve around trying to attract attention or copy some other people to get accepted into whatever cliques that others confine themselves to.

i very much prefer to be independant. thank you very much.

first and foremost, i do not regret my past. whatever happened in the past, was a blessing in disguise. i will never fail to realise that whatever i went through a few years back, had shaped the person that i've become today. maybe the outcome today isnt exactly perfect, but i dare say, im much better off than most of my peers in terms of experience and mentality. yes, i still have trouble accepting reality, at times prefering to conjure up make believe life situations to drown in, but at least when the time comes, i face life head on. i've my past to be a constant reminder to never take that same path again. ever.

so please, if you dont have respect for yourself, at least respect others.

you dont deserve to be a leader. at all.

Rapture 2006

2006-08-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

i have finally been cured of my hot-guys-deprivation-syndrome. and i cant stop going gaga every time i think of yesterday. and need i mention that everybody dressed to kill?! BABES AND HUNKS OVERLOAD!!

went for SAJC RAPTURE 2006 at the Esplanade yesterday with 2 crazy ~~bitches~~ girls plus one extra professional gamer. there'll be no pictures posted for the simple reason that all of us have the same assumption that the other 2 will bring along THEIR camera - which meant none of us brought any. and the one handphone that has the best camera went *kapoot* on the owner. yeah great. so much for wanting to camwhore the whole night through.

i may not be an expert when it comes to dance, but SAJC DANCERS were great yesterday. it was a performance well done, and i cringe in fact thinking of all the time and effort, perhaps even blood, to prepare for this one performance. it was a well mix of both classical and modern dances and ohmygawd, i especially loved when the ALUMNI took the stage! they were so damn good, and dare i say the guys were hot hot hot! haha. very professional. definitely.

the NUS dancers set everybody drooling. why? they stripped to the basics. the ladies were in nightwear, and the men were in *cough cough* briefs only. well, they started fully clothed of course, in business wear, but halfway stripped. a lot of girls couldnt stay put in their seats of course, and i pity those who came with their boyfriends - wasnt able to appreciate god's creation! haha. its not everyday you get to see men ~~prancing about~~ dancing on stage with only their briefs right?!?!? woohoo! so much for being a good girl!

FINALLY had MRS FIELDS triple fudge brownie yesterday! man, i was craving for it for so damn long! finally finally finally, was able to quench that craving. heavenly i must say! as always.

after all that hoohaa, keith [shir's bf] left for home, and left the 3 of us [shir, iqi and yours truly] to fend for ourselves in this cruel world. hahah. yeah right. so being hungry girls, we headed for supper over at lau pa sat. for what else? satay lah! so please read people, 3 girls, anak2 dara beb at lau pa sat, with no chaperone. we were the 'easy targets' for deprived guys. hahah. iqi was having goosebumps all over her! hahah. so much for short skirt huh iqi?

fooh, luckily we got to catch the last train! basket! if not we'll be camping over at raffles place together! so yes, for the first time, my father was waiting for me downstairs when i reached home! haha. maybe it was the fact that i only reached home at 1.25 in the morning! wow. the last time i actually reached home past midnight was last year, the clubbing period of my life. awww man, it was good memories. especially the mat-overload in the last cabin of the last train. terrorising beb!!

haha. i better be a good girl and go prepare for group study now.

bye darlings~~

life is good~ =))

2006-08-01T09:28:00.000+08:00

hello people.

nope, im not down in the pits. im still safely attached to this world, not drifting off into some fantasy land hoohaa.

the previous entry was done at the spur of the moment. i really do miss him you know, but heck, there's nothing i can do about it right? i cant possibly hang on to every memory i have of him and get depressed over such a small thing right? hello?!?! i have a life thank you very much!

which reminds me I LOVE MY LIFE!

alhamdulillah, my life is great now, except for the few missing pieces, but its ok. whats life without problems to keep me grounded and aiming for whats most important - god's blessings. so you see, my life's on a high note right now, no matter what's going on. heck. i even love my lil bro even though he's been opening his big mouth and spreading the word about a certain abang from the mosque. Gosh, he's even shoving the newspaper up peoples' noses just to show that small picture of him. heh. at least now i dont have to go around hiding my feelings. yeah right. i am so in denial. [about the abang at least]

so you see, there's nothing to worry about right now. im already studying in full gear, so that's probably the reason why you'll see me online once in 1 or 2 weeks.. you probably wont miss me anyway. heh. ~~well at least i know someone does..~~ hahaha..

see. i am so high.

its probably the chicken cheese sausage that i ate just now.....

hahah. see you!!

2006-07-29T08:24:00.000+08:00

i dreamt about us last night.

you were with your friends, and i was with mine.

we were going opposite ways, but clearly saw the other. she walked to you and greeted, just like a friend should. you chate for awhile, before she left to board the train with me, in the opposite direction.

with no more than a mere smile and a nod of the head, we acknowledged each other. and continued going separate ways.

my heart ached for you in the dream. regret for not taking the initiative to reach out to you and say a simple hi, instead of pretending our friendship never existed.

but wait, it was artificial in the first place wasnt it?

i woke up and cried.

because of a dream so true to reality.

~~i miss you bro.~~

2006-07-23T15:56:00.000+08:00

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

being idealistic had never been a good thing for me. i think too much and end up getting myself all stressed up over the little-est and stupid-est of things. it was never meant to be like that. maybe i just have too high an expectation for the things in life, and to make things worst, its as if im the only person who does! it was never easy, but i still made it through.

maybe it was the drastic change of perspective that i went through. the person that i am today, and the person that i was 3-4 years ago, are eons apart. its a blessing, alhamdulillah. that's undeniable. but there are times, god forbid, when i'll wish that i was back to the old me - with the heck care fcuk-with-the-world attitude. all these never seemed to matter back then. now, they're causing me to lose my sleep, and at times, my friends.

yes. i am idealistic. about everything. how friendships should be. how humans should behave in accordance to the situation. how things should be done. i dont mean conventional. nope not at all. but at least there should be a structure. a limit. a guideline. and most of all, a common understanding.

it hurts when it seems as if im the only person who feels that way. it hurts to be left out. most of all, it hurts when nothing's done after having it voiced out.

i gracefully accept the fact that i can never turn back time and regain my childhood. i accept that im different from the rest. i accept the fact that my way of thinking and perspective in life is way older than my supposed age. i never regretted being forcefully thrown out of childhood. its ok. i believe it all happened for a reason.

but nobody said it was easy. especially when you're alone.

you see, the more you expect out of something, the more pain you conceive. alone.

fcuk. stop being melancholic!

2006-07-15T08:47:00.000+08:00

note:long entry ahead

yes, i took some time off the computer/internet to give way to my dear siblings. unfortunately, well for me at least, they're growing up to be more *cough* abang-abang, which means they need to socialise more, hence the increasing time spent on the internet, or more specifically, MSN.

luckily, i had no chance whatsoever to actually miss using the computer/msn. thanks should be extended to my darling teachers who have been giving us with materials to fill our time with. no more complaints - 'o' levels are damn approaching at high speed! it gets scary sometimes, especially when i just want to slack around, daydream, or even better, sleep! too bad i have such a clean conscience who keeps irritating me.

no computer = more time thinking.

i've been thinking in retrospect for quite a bit and i can confidently say, i bear no more hatred to anyone. i realised that there's no use in hating him, or anyone for that matter, for the only person that'll end up feeling all the hurt will be myself. its best to let go, and alhamdulillah, i have. it wasnt easy, trust me, but after much reading and thinking, im convinced that im doing what's best for myself and whoever that'll cross my path.

whatever happened in the past, happened for a reason. if i were to have lead a different life before this, i highly doubt i'd be the person that i am today. i dont think i'd be mature enough to face life as it is, nor would i be sensible enough to decipher right and wrong. i love my family, including him, for they were the ones, and will continue to be ones who will stand by me in times when i need them the most and the people that'll accept me for who i am. and of course, baby me like nothing for being the only girl in the family! well at least in spore context

so you see, alhamdulillah, now i've been enlightened of the heavy load that had been strangling me for the past, 5-6 years? it doesnt matter anymore.

i've learnt to love myself, as who i really am. there's no point running away from the truth now. it has all boiled down to the one thing that's most important - serving the Almighty. insyAllah

im a free person. finally.

It is Allah Who created you in a state of (helpless) weakness, then gave (you) strength after weakness, then, after strength, gave (you) weakness and a hoary head: He creates as He wills, and it is He who has all knowledge and power. [Surah ar-Rum: 54]

2006-07-06T15:14:00.000+08:00

its 9 weeks to prelim and 3 months to O levels!

must start revising.

please please please help me ignore my stupid emotional needs now.

i can breakdown after o levels thank you very much.

sheesh.

RJC? insyAllah i'll fulfill that promise.

2006-07-06T14:39:00.000+08:00

WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?!?!

i know you dont read this blog of mine but what the fcuk.

its been nice knowing you.

@!$@$#%#$#!$#@%#@%@

i thought you were different.

thanks for proving me wrong

2006-07-02T14:54:00.000+08:00

Im thinking too much these days. which is not a good sign. at all.

something's wrong between me and my parents.

and some idiot has apparently gotten me stuck on jiwang songs. again.

gosh. this cant do. what will all these lead to? dear god, please please please. make me strong again.

it doesnt matter anymore. im my own hero. nobody's going to save me except myself.

on a lighter note, i had a fantastic ROD from band.

thank you bpmb for making my 4 years in secondary school a blast. we definitely have a love-hate relationship dont we?

thank you for a beautiful ending to our sweat/tears/complaints/victory.

Letter to God

2006-06-26T14:37:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

i've failed you once again. i've fallen yet again, and i need your help to pick myself up once again. i dont know whats the reason this time, but its probably the same repeating reason. i know i promised to never let it bring me down again, but dear God, i cant keep that promise just yet. it keeps coming back to haunt me. its in my dreams. its in my reality.

Dear God,

please help me wash all the hurt and pain. please kill the being in me who refuse to accept reality, for she's killing me softly. i cant fight this alone, she knows my weaknesses too well. she's bringing out a side of me which i refuse to acknowledge. she's screwing me up inside out, and all my defences are useless. she's gotten past them.

Dear God,

please stop her from creating more fantasies. for it'll kill me when im able to win over her. i'll realise that all of what i lived in was just a dream, a makeup to make me feel better, and i'll feel worst. i know she's just doing whatever she can to help me feel better, but dear God, please tell her that's she's killing me in the long run. i cant banish her from myself, i know she's part of me. but please, ask her to go for hibernation. please tell her to let me live my life as i should. in reality.

Dear God,

i know it's going to be difficult to live alone in reality. but i'd rather get hurt by solely reality, rather than both dream AND reality. i hope after only living in reality, i'll be able to regain myself and be normal. dear God, i've been wanting to cry for so long, but she has been preventing me from doing so. she's been telling me to be strong, so i can be around for others when cry. "is it fair?" she used to tell me. she said that when others cry, they had me to turn to, but what about when i cry? has there been anyone to turn to?

Dear God,

is it wrong for me to want to be selfish? for the past 15 years of my life, i've always placed others ahead of myself. i've always hold on to the fact that i never want my friends to ever experience the pain and shit i had to go through, so i'll do my best to protect them. but is that the right thing to do? isnt that the reason why i never had anyone to turn to except you? im getting sick of this, dear God. i really am.

Dear God,

please help me be strong. i dont want to need to depend on anybody, because i'll know the end result is pain. but can you just let me have someone by my side so that i can feel at the least bit, appreciated. im not asking for someone to love me as much as i love them, i know thats too much to ask for. but dear God, please help me love myself, and someone to be by my side. someone i dont need to lie to so that he'll accept me. someone sincere so that i dont have to humiliate myself by having stupid crushes on men who are mere acquaintances.

Dear God,

if that's too much to ask for, at least provide me with a friend to confide in. im sick of talking to my bolster before sleep, pretending that its someone real. its her fault, you see. she convinced me that that stupid pillow can be changed to anyone i want. and the result, i'll feel worst after realising that its just a stupid pillow that i hug to comfort myself to sleep.

Dear God,
how about you just take away my inferiority complex and my vulnerability and put in place a strong girl who doesnt give a shit about the world. yeah. that'll be nice.

it's getting late. i should go now. i've wasted enough of your time. i'm sorry.

love,
atikah.

2006-06-25T14:03:00.000+08:00

i think if im a friend of myself, i'd be so damn fcuking irritated at me.

i'm sorry guys. maybe i'm trying too hard to deny reality and embrace fantasy. its these things that keeps me moving on. its a bad habit that's too difficult to let go. this was the one thing that i held on to during those years when i felt like letting go. that somewhere, somehow, life was a much better place, where i could be my own director, and create my own characters and storyline.

of course, i will realise that it was all a fantasy, and i'll end up feeling much worst for being so stupid to believe such a lie. but, bad habits die hard darling.

pardon me while i continue living in dreamland for the time being. but please, someone, please rope me back to reality when you see me drifting too far into dangerzone.

which means,

right about now.

2006-06-24T11:22:00.000+08:00

this is the full strength of the group of great people that went to terengganu/kelantan.

the trip had many bad points, admittedly. but that was definitely expected. very expected. enough said. so the LONG bus rides and waits in the bus that might have caused us to actually freeze there and then, are forgiven. why? because of the great fun that was provided throughout the whole trip.

the fact that the trip gave us, downright spoilt brats known as singaporeans, an insight of how other people actually live life, was worth everything. the people there were happy with life, and grateful for every little thing that passes by, even our mere presence. the thing that probably would just be eradicated from our minds a few years down the road, have actually meant a great deal to these people. they welcomed us with open arms, and offer us the most that they can offer. and i really mean the most, for i dont think they actually have that big a meal every single day. i guess what touched me the most was their sincerity in accepting us as their fellow muslims and not anything more.

the trip had definitely made me think about how we actually live our life. here, we have all the modern facilities and alhamdulillah, the best of what today has to offer, and yet, how come there never exists a sense of gratitude and satisfaction. we're always wanting more, more, better. of course, its good if we want to constantly aim for something higher, but in the process, we forget our real aim in life and end up just running after the material aspects of life. its something worth to ponder.

one such example is the maahad darul quran. its synonym to our madrasah. the place is quite rundown, and in the words of aidil "BURUKNYA!" yes trust him to be so direct. yes, it was, especially the guy's dorm. the rest was quite ok, but its light years away from our school buildings' standard. their library is to us - a reference section. its not a place where you go and read books for leisure, or find girlfriends/boyfriends. even their hall is not well-to-do, but masyAllah, their welcome was enough. they really made do with whatever they have, and even drew a fantastic design on the blackboard to welcome us. Syukran darlings.

how is it that they who have so little, yet be so happy; but they who have nearly everything, always succumb to depression?

all the stress and hurt i felt right before the trip was forgotten. it was perfectly replaced by sweet, sweet memories and loads of laughter and mischief. this is a trip that, insyAllah i will remember for a VERY long time.

and now, a controversial picture. thank god this blog isnt widely known! this is being put up for fun ok! jangan marah... heh. =)

oh wait. what's so bad about this picture? hmmm. heh. these are some of the people that made this trip possible, and the other 3 are masjid darul makmur's imam tarawih. jauh nah, dari kelantan!

ps: thanks syahril for the pictures!

2006-06-22T04:49:00.000+08:00

so yes, the trip was - interesting. especially with all the weird people that came with it. heh. my camera went bonkers during the trip, [hinting that i should get a new one!] so these are the few pictures that i managed to snap. the rest will be coming soon via email, i hope. heh.

anyway, let me first introduce the tour leader. he who is hopeless at malay public speaking [we're in malaysia, hello??] and is the chief for mischief and crazyness throughout the tour. we had the 4 musketeers you know, but i wasnt able to snap their photo. THEY ARE THE BEST! boleh ketawa macam nak rak, tapi satu2 penakut gila. haha.

so anyway, you can say the whole trip was quite a mess. why? for the whole trip, nothing went according to schedule. NOTHING. we even had to wait more than an hour at the msian secondlink checkpoint coz our bus broke down! we only moved off, at about 1.30 in the morning. and to top it off, our tour guide was still ranting on and on when all we wanted to do was SLEEP!

yes, throughout the trip, of course, i was fated to be with these 2 wonderful/crazy/dramamamas girls.. we did practically everything together, well except bathing. we were allocated the same family for the homestay, we shared the same room at the resort, we shopped together etc..

and yes, let me introduce the fun aspect of the tour. the people. you see, when the girls are away...

the boys go out to play!

went to some of the beautiful places found there, namely the waterfall and 'the floating mosque'. well, the mosque isn't exactly floating, but the reflection of the surrounding water [its built on a pond], causes it to be nicknamed as such. its made up of pure white marble, which can no longer be found anywhere on earth. one word - WOW.

well, i actually have much more to say regarding this trip, much much more. but right now, im so damn hungry, so i better fix myself some food. i'll be back with more stories to tell!

2006-06-21T02:31:00.000+08:00

just came back from my terengganu/kelantan edu trip. timing totally lari beb!

two words to describe. FUN GEDEMAK!

will relate the whole experience when im fresher. 15 hours on the road beb. my back hurtssss!

special things to take note of:
1) homestay
2) waterfall!
3) falling for the unlikeliest person - period!

lalalala~ i am one happy girl.

at least for now.

heh. see you soon!

2006-06-12T14:52:00.000+08:00

Funny when adults told you to dream, they never said that dreams could kill. Funny when they said that your family will be the ones that loves you the most, they forgot to say that they'll be the ones that'll hurt you the most. Funny how they never prepare you for the future, happily assuming that you'll learn it on your own. Funny how they never realised that you've absorbed so many things subconsciously as a child, especially the reasons to run away from the truth.

Funny how vulnerable you get when you're sick. All your defences come crashing down, no matter how strongly cemented they were before.

It's a funny world isn't it?

Oh fuck.

2006-06-10T13:53:00.000+08:00

this is what u will always see strewn all over the table should you ever follow my family anywhere to travel.. heh. yes, my maiden trip to batam resulted in a food extravaganza.. like that's anything new.. hehe..

so yes, i've finally braved the ocean to reach ~~the land of pakcik2 gatal nak habeskan duit CPF~~ batam island. overall impression? ok i guess, but not really worth all the hoohaa over it. well except for the blardy cheap things on sale, but hey, that's something to expect isn't it? the things in singapore are so blardy expensive! yes, and due to that, i nearly went crazy shopping. [note: nearly] it wasnt fun shopping there, nothing much for me. well, except for food. and i went with a group of makcik-s, what else would you expect except them spending their time on practical stuff like food and household items? so get the picture? and the trip just reminds me of the used-to-be-daily trips to parts of johore.

and yes, did i mention the food? heh. of course i did. every stop we took, my aunt, mum, and grandma will definitely head for wherever the food is. yes. and being the sole girl in the family, they didnt allow me to get out of sight, meaning, i had to tag along, even if i caught sight of a shop with helluva lots of bags which i desperately itch to buy. so yes. we went to eat. a lot of times. well, they're mostly snacks. and oooh. the ice cream there is so damn cheap. argh. so not good for my hips! haha. like i care. anyway, being the ever so jakun me, i was in for quite a suprise when we dined at KFC Batam Centre. You see, if you actually get to see the picture above, they actually have RICE there, instead of buns; and bagedil{fried potato thingy - heh!) instead of coleslaw and mashed potatos. lalala. i had fun eating there, so the malay you know.. heh.

oh and i think my mum realised that i was getting bored following them to all the hypermarkets and such, and she gave me a pleasant suprise.. definitely. why? coz she bought for me a tabloid newspaper. why the hell would i be excited over that? look at the picture below and what do you see...?

yes, Yes, YES!! if you refer to my previous post, you will know that i have developed an ultimate infatuation for this hot hot hot guy. and guess what, the tabloid came with a huge poster size picture of him - its supposed to be a calendar, but it has his blown up picture, so who cares? and of course i blushed when my aunt teased me about liking a korean guy. hey, he's hot ok! and from what i've read from other sources, he's a very straight guy who's morally upright and the oh-so-romantic guy.. see, i dont base my liking solely on looks ok! *swooons* can i have him, or at least someone like him, please please please.. i promise to be good...

anyway,

one good thing though, this trip brought me back to reality. usually, my family will go on holidays to the well-to-do places, and we get to see people living the high life or at least comfortable ones, so this time, when i got to see the people's living conditions there, my heart took a turn and sympathises. thank you Allah for giving me such a fortunate life. Amen.

psst: i was a good girl. only bought this few stuff... see i promised you.. so can i get someone like him please...

oh yeah, better go catch world cup kick off. the opening ceremony was great! weeee.

2006-06-08T08:34:00.000+08:00

i've found myself a new love. who cares about the corrupted policeman or thriving medic..? hello.. why suffer heartache over them when i can continue to fall head over heels with him?? ladeeda..
thanx to dearest junyi, who told me to watch channel u, i have found a hot hot hot guy. and thank god there were english subtitles! buuuut, what was waaaaay better was, after my mum realised that the show was coming to an end on channel u, she bought for me the vcd collection for "Little Bride"! woooohooo.

and the result? im constantly stuck in front of the tv watching the show, vcd after vcd. and my brothers are starting to complain. you see, there's 16 cds in the collection, and i watch approximately 2 cds per day, which means 2 hours of their precious cartoon time is being eaten up by a drama serial acted out in a language nobody in the household understands. but who cares? they can go on and play their playstation, and i can feed my addiction with more lee dong gun! yes, the school holidays have brought about an evil side in me..

hey its not my fault i go weak in the knees for guys in suits and tie! [HOTTT]

oh damn. i have to get ready for the band's bbq now. ooh, and yesterday 4p4 had their FIRST CLASS OUTING at sentosa. and the response was great! worth our time cramming our heads to plan for the event..

one last note..
I LOVE 4P4! oh and yeah, korean hunks too. heh.

2006-06-03T00:14:00.000+08:00

the event on its own was - acceptable. the only time i cringed in disgust was when they were around. the rest? i was having fun, believe it or not. thanks to the great family members that came from malacca. i actually love you guys. for making the event bearable.

~~the mak andam sucked. the bride looked kinda horrible, old and haggard. takder seri pengantin langsung. urgh. suprise suprise~~

Ya ALLAH
Jika dia benar untukku
Dekatkanlah hatinya dengan hatiku
Jika dia bukan milikku
Damaikanlah hatiku
Dengan ketentuan-Mu

Tidak sekali dinodai nafsu
Akan kubatasi dengan syariat-Mu
Jika dirinya bukan untukku
Redha hatiku dengan ketentuan-Mu

i miss you. thanks for giving me hope baby, for its better than having none at all. give me a reason.

2006-05-27T12:07:00.000+08:00

tomorrow's the day.

the day that i've been dreading for so freaking long. its finally here. and nothing's changed. though i think the hatred is not so intense now, considering the fact i've been ignoring all the hoohaa and cooping myself up at home.

my dad's nagging at me to help out for tomorrow and sunday. yeah right. as if. he even told me to just be there and pretend to help, even if i dont. mentioned something about what the family will think if i dont. fuckshit. like i care what they think or say. it doesnt matter anyway. so while everyone is getting stressed out and running everywhere to make sure the family doesnt get humiliated this sunday, im lazing around at home, reading books, revising some work etc.. no way am i going to bother. well, perhaps i do have to show up for the event itself, but i'll probably just hang around and pretend to do something. [read: PRETEND] mum's cool about my not doing anything though. in fact, she has the same sentiments as me about all this bullshit. too bad she has to carry out her responsibility as a daughter and sister to her family. well, who's complaining anyway? i dont hear any thanks or gratitude from them anyway. like hell.

who the hell gets married when he's not even financially stable? idiot.
~~he's only preparing his cock for this blardy wedding. !@$@#%@#%$!#@$~~

on a lighter note, i got back my results.
I PASSED ALL MY SUBJECTS
woooohooo. so happy. yeah yeah yeah. and the teachers are making it obvious that they're expecting me to be one of the pupils that will be called up on stage for 7 or more distinctions. pressure! bring it on man! luckily i strive under pressure - so one request i made from the teachers - GIMME PRESSURE!!! =)

2006-05-23T13:46:00.000+08:00

Comments anyone? This article i wrote for higher malay class created quite a stir, so what do you think?
ps: it's in malay though, sorry.

Sekian lama, masyarakat umum Singapura mempunyai fahaman bahawa Melayu = Muslim. Namun adakah tanggapan itu masih boleh dikatakan relevan dalam konteks hari ini? Wajarkah kita untuk menyinonimkan kedua-duanya? Mungkin sudah masanya kita mula memperlihatkan perbedaan di antara kedua-dua istilah ini dan kesan penyamaannya di dalam masyarakat kita. Bangsa merupakan jenis manusia yang berasal daripada satu keturunan. Agama pula merupakan satu kepercayaan pada Tuhan dan sifat-sifat dan penerimaan ajaran serta perintahNya. Kedua-dua istilah ini mempunyai makna yang jelas ketara. Seorang yang berbangsa Melayu tidak semestinya menganut agama Islam. Malah, tahukan anda, ada mereka yang berbangsa Melayu yang menetap di Filipina, Timor Leste dan Indonesia yang bukan beragama Islam, namun beragama Kristian, Hindu dan lain-lain lagi. Jadi bagaimanakah masyarakat Melayu di Singapura mampu disamakan dengan masyarakat Islam?

Dengan wujudnya globalisasi di dalam negara kita, tidak hairanlah jika kita melihat ramai anak bangsa kita berpeleseran di sana-sini, meneguk bir tanpa segan-silu, bertatu dan banyak lagi. Apabila terpandang, apakah yang timbul di benak anda?

"Hisy. Budak-budak Melayu zaman sekarang..."

Kita tidak dapat menafikan bahawa mungkin benar mereka beragama Islam, tapi pada masa ini, sedang menjadi bagai satu 'trend', anak Melayu yang masih bertutur dalam bahasa Melayu, masih menggunakan tangan untuk makan dan sebagainya, bertukar kepercayaan ataupun murtad tanpa mempunyai agama lain. Sesuatu yang amat menggusarkan, tetapi inilah hakikatnya. . Perkara ini sudah lama terjadi, namun masyarakat kita yang kadangkala hanya menutup sebelah mata dan tidak mengambil kisah sahaja.

Jika kita lihat, selalu benar perkataan 'Melayu/Islam' digunakan di dalam akhbar sekiranya ingin menyampaikan sesuatu berita mengenai seseorang, lebih-lebih lagi jika ia melibatkan remaja Melayu kita. Bandingkan pula dengan akhbar-akhbar yang lain, wujudkah istilah-istilah "Chinese/Islam" ataupun "Indian/Islam"? Tidak, bukan? Mereka dianggap sama rata. Tidak kira jika mereka menganut agama nenek-moyang mereka seperti agama Hindu ataupun agama Buddha, mahupun jika mereka menganut agama Kristian ataupun tidak beragama sekalipun, semua dianggap sama. Sebangsa.

Masyarakat India dan Cina diberi kebebasan dalam menganut agama masing-masing. Mengapa pula masyarakat Melayu kita dikongkong dengan agama Islam? Kenyataan yang ingin saya sampaikan ini bukanlah untuk menyokong perbuatan murtad itu, tetapi apakah wajar paradigma ini berterusan di kalangan masyarakat kita?
Adakah ia sesuatu yang amat memalukan bagi masyarakat Melayu untuk membenarkan fenomena ini? Sedangkan negara Cina yang mempunyai populasi penganut agama Islam yang jauh lebih besar daripada kita, mempunyai pelbagai agama bagi sesuatu bangsa, apatah lagi kita?

Sudah tibanya kita beranjak daripada fahaman itu. Islam adalah sebuah agama yang universal, dan setiap orang di muka bumi Allah ini diberikan kebebasan untuk menganut apa-apa agama yang dipilihnya.

Pisahkan kedua-dua istilah ini, kerana ia membawa bersamanya sikap prejudis yang amat hebat. Apatah lagi dalam keadaan dunia hari ini yang penuh dengan prejudis terhadap agama Allah ini.

Takkan hilang Melayu di dunia.

Takkan binasa Islam selamanya.

2006-05-11T08:56:00.000+08:00

im back. and bored. and my ear still hurts. im starting to think that there's an animal stuck inside. urgh! =(

did i mention that i've started to don the hijab[tudung] now? yeah, so im officially a tudung-ster now. was quite reluctant initially, but heck, i got used to it and actually liked it. so its here to stay.

been thinking alot about life and death. especially death. i really sat down and thought about what i wanted in life and everything, and i guess i have things figured out halfway. im just confused. really. too many things hitting me at one go. i wasnt even able to sit down and study for midyear exams. yes, i didnt study for midyears. what the?? suprisingly, alhamdulillah, i was able to do the papers smoothly. most of the nights was spent stoning and assessing myself, with very very little revision.

why am i punishing myself for what others have done? why am i denying myself of what i deserve? am i going to continue letting the past haunt me? will i ever be able to face them without thoughts of the past? when will i finally let go?

so many questions that's still left unanswered. its getting too much.

the dreaded day's approaching fast. will i be able to run and escape? or will i once again succumb to expectations and be there just for presence's sake?

i dont know. i really dont.

i dont need this. midyears over. insyAllah i'll do well, hopefully as well as under normal circumstances. so whats next?

'o' levels and auuuuustralia! weeeeeeeeeeeeee~

thanx for being there for me. i didnt realise up till then how much i missed our late night/morning conversation that will last for 3-4 hours just by us talking pure nonsence. too bad you're off-limits, but i guess its safer to thread on this basis. only now do i realise that there's really something within your crappy exterior. =)

2006-05-11T03:44:00.000+08:00

ear infection. one word: OUCCCCCCH!!!

ok so my ear hurts like mad. its not the throbbing kind of pain, its just.... PAIN. seriously. and i think its sort of affecting my hearing. luckily its only the right ear. aaaah. the doctor couldnt find anything wrong with it, coz my ear drum was in fine condition. probably i hit a nerve or something while cleaning my ear. it really hurts, up to the fact that now im praying sitting down coz it hurts when i place my forehead on the prayer mat. no its not because my forehead hurts - its because it hurts like ~~FISH~~ when the blood goes to my head!

so if by friday it still hurts after consuming all the medication that the doctor prescribed, i'll most probably have to head down to darling NUH-ENT department to see an ear specialist. great. there goes the kaa-ching! mum's probably angry coz we're saving money to fly off to australia at the end of this year. wooohoo~ definitely something to look forward to!

anyway, the hiatus was due to the mid year exams, which flew by kinda fast. the last paper is tomoro, but its chem paper1, so yeah, its sort of over. and this has got to be the most eventful exam for me - ever! falling sick thrice, ear infection, tsunami classroom, rocking classmates. wooots. i love it. in fact, i love my class! thanks for bringing zest to such a boring period of the year!

2006-04-29T11:48:00.000+08:00

been sick for a week now. how great.

i didnt even sit for my english paper 2 and physics practical this morning. my body just wasnt able to take it from the start. i swear, i just wanted to lay there for the rest of the morning, but i had to drag myself out of bed to wake my brothers up. hey, i even took a shower, while contemplating whether or not i should go to school and just sit for the damn paper. but heck, decided not to in fear that i'll screw both papers up. so saw my brothers off at the door [yes they're big enough for them to go to school alone] and went straight back to bed after that. which is a bad move, since my hair was still wet, so i woke up sneezing like mad. urgh. was dragged to the doctor by my grandma, coz the flu was taking too damn long to recover. and i needed the mc anyway.

spent the whole day lazing. WHOLE DAY. wootz. and yesterday was a holiday too, since bpghs was made a nomination centre. so yeah, i have a LOOOOOONG weekend. lucky me! hahaha. but the freaking thing is now, i've yet to start studying. ergh. i did try you know, just that i ended up having a staring match with the books and papers, so i gave up halfway to watch nasyid mtv-karaoke. *rolls eyes*

*************

how do you eradicate all the hatred that has accumulated for nearly a decade? how do you eliminate the pain and hurt? will there ever be a definite answer, or will i be faced with yet another uncertainty that will continue to haunt the tainted heart filled with tears of frantic.

i will let the previous post remain, to remind me of the fcuking things that happened. i dont think i will ever be able to forget it. i still hate you you you you you and you. THANKS TO YOU PEOPLE, I'VE LEARNT HOW TO HATE.

great. the one thing that i need now. whatever.

2006-04-24T15:03:00.000+08:00

i fcuking feel like killing them.

one by one.

i dont give a shit anymore. fcuk all of them.

bastards and bitches. who needs them anyway?

i hate you i hate you i hate you.

fcuk. now my life is filled with immense hatred. for people that im supposed to love. oh fuck shit. i dont give a damn anymore.

im not going to cry just because of you people. pure waste of tears.

fcuk lah.

i dont need this.

not now.

2006-04-22T13:44:00.000+08:00

its been 2.5 days since my parents left for saudi to perform their umrah.

i've learnt a few lessons throughout these 2.5 days, and will definitely learn more as the days pass. one - i have 2 sensitive brothers who express their emotions differently. the younger one, A, is so damn emotional that he cried at the airport and at home. the youngest one, H, is the cool, controlled one, who acted as if nothing happened. I was touched when that night, A did his maghrib prayers in my dad's prayer shirt. I didnt say anything, but i knew he missed them. H, on the other hand, has become so damn stubborn and irritating. Mental torture, definitely. he deliberately messed up his toys, leaving his toy cars laying all over the house and screwed up his maths homework yesterday. i was trying so damn hard to not knock him on the head or scold him upside down. i was already pissed because i was stuck at a blardy amaths question, and there he was, screwing his multiplication table. i swear i had take deep breaths and selawat alot to control myself.

honestly, being left to care for the household is one tough job. seriously. NOW, i understand what the hell my mom does when we're at school. gosh. its only been 2.5 days and i've already felt the impact. laundry needs to be done, rooms needs to be cleaned, plants needs watering etc etc. luckily i have A who helps me out with the dishes and also the plant watering. he is actually quite helpful when he wants to. i've yet to cook for them, since my grandma has been cooking for us, so yeah, they're safe from any food contamination or what not. hahaha. but, hey, i can cook ok! i have my schoolmates to justify for that. heh.

speaking of which, i think i've become a mak nenek. so naggy. hahaha. and i will always nag and nag and remind my brothers what they have to do when im not at home that even shafiqah called me that after i finished telling A what to do until i come home from band. heh. im not a mak nenek ok! im just a responsible sister. hahaha. oh and in her words too,

"Atikah, kau dah ready nak jadi mak ar!
loosely translated : Atikah, you're ready for motherhood ar!

hahaha. yeah~~

anyway, did you know?

TOMORROW IS THE BAND COMPETITION DAY!!!!

yes, all the hard work, sweat, tears, etc etc will finally come to an end. tomorrow is the time to give the ultimate best and prove to everyone that BPBAND IS A GOLD BAND! wooohoo~
gosh, i never thought i would ever be this enthusiastic about band. heh. yeah.

soooooooo, now i better go prepare my band uniform for tomorrow.

oh and yeah, do the laundry.

2006-04-15T16:19:00.000+08:00

i've lost touch with reality. been living off dreams and hopes all this while.

i dont understand myself anymore.

i cant wait for this to end. so i can breathe again.

i've fallen for you. yes, i admit it. even though i dont want to. its weird. its awkward. its painful. i cant say it out. coz you're my best friend. and i dont want to ruin the friendship that we have.

up till now, i can never commit in a relationship. maybe im scared. or maybe im just turned off by the fact that it'll probably never last and just cause me useless heartache. yes, im pessimistic. i've every right to be. at least im not disillusionised or as stupid as the others who thinks that i-love-this-guy-so-much-we'll-definitely-last-up-till-marriage. yeah right. if you're the lucky few. what the f.

but im human anyway. i do have feelings. and just-so-happened that i fell for you. yes. i've been in denial for too long. argh.

i hate this.

2006-04-13T15:13:00.000+08:00

this place isnt safe anymore.

i have my doubts when it comes to pouring everything out here.

more and more people are finding out about this domain of mine. even though i've asked some people to get rind of my link from their blogs. especially if they're bpians.

there's a reason why i dont publicise my blog.

i dont want to live every single day, living with the fact that every single person i know, knows whatever shit is happening in my life and such. it sux. no privace whatsoever. urgh. others - i can handle, but not people i face every single day.

there's so many things i wanna say. so many things i want to express. my frustration. anger. lust. love. whatever. but i find myself so damn restricted. should i find myself a new domain? again? this constant running is so not for me.

*******

how come the topic that i DREAD the most is getting so much media attention? the one topic that i keep running away from. the one thing that i refuse to face up to. just now, i was watching the news, and after the news was detik. my initial intention was to watch it, but i immediately switched it off.

what the fuck.

i cant keep running away.

but its either i'll be selfish, or i'll save the bond.

blardy fuck.

i never hated someone so much in my life. ever.

i need to let go.

i need to tell someone.

god please give me a friend.

2006-04-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

the nervousness, the heartwrenching, the anticipation, the exhilaration.

yes, everything was felt on that day.

the thrill of being on stage and yakking away with one of your talking buddies - just that its a competition then - was great.

there were quite a few glitches when it came to our turn ~~until it was thought that someone was trying to sabo us~~ but it was okay i guess. we carried ourselves well and with maturity, and that was what gave us the advantage and clinched the 3rd placing.

there was a point of time during the competition that nadirah and i damn nearly cussed our ass off - and nearly got heart attacks - when our improptu turn was over. the two of us went to the toilet to relieve ourselves, and when we went out, there were 2 girls from [insert school's name] that sort of congratulated us BUT said that it was too bad. coz why? why? we talked out of topic

WHAT THE F?!?!?!?!?

who in the right mind would talk OUT OF TOPIC. sooooo, we asked them, what topic was shown on the screen, and *takes deep breath*

REMAJA HARI INI KURANG MENGENALI MAKANAN TRADISIONAL.

but.......

on the slip of paper that they gave us was,

REMAJA HARI INI KURANG MENGENALI MAKANAN RINGAN.

imagine the SHOCK that we felt. i swear i could see the drastic change of nadirah's facial expression!

so of course, we being the ever-so-demanding people, went straight to the ri boys and ASKED for an explanation. apparently, they noticed the mistake and told the judges - ok fine - so we were safe. but the thing was, it WASNT ANNOUNCED TO THE AUDIENCE

so the thing was, the audience really thought that we talked out of topic. and of course, there were people talking when we were announced as third place winners. .

so yes. until now. our credibility as third place winners are still being questioned. thanx to them. oh well, at least we know we deserved it.

alhamdulillah. my wish has been granted. thank you Allah SWT for giving me this chance for redemption. amin~

2006-04-03T12:40:00.000+08:00

17 more days to my parents departure for umrah

20 days to band comp

2 1/2 months to HIS wedding

7 months to 'o' levels

is it just me?
or is everything happening at a blardy fast rate.

i need time to breathe.

god help me.

i need a friend.

not an acquaintance.

please stop me from going into the "fcuk-with-people-who-says-they're-my-friends-but-are-not" phase.

i dont need it.

i'll do this alone. if it was meant to be. but please help me lighten this load.

please help me act my age.

i dont want to run away from responsibility. i strive in it. but please god, give me a friend to turn to.

you can do it atikah! you always have!

2006-03-30T15:09:00.000+08:00

you know there comes a point when you suddenly question fate? like what the hell is happening? or why it was happening in the first place?

that happened to me. in the spur of the moment. it never occured to me that i will once again experience a situation where i'll question fate and actually act adamant towards it. honestly, i've never skipped solat [at least since late last year], and never felt guilty. i mean, yeah so its an act of defiance, but only now do i realise that the only person i'm defying is myself. and only NOW [such wrong timing], when i can perform my prayers, do the guilt come charging back in. honestly, its not a nice feeling. EVER.

maybe i was just tired of going for competition, putting in my best, and end up going home empty-handed. i forgot about the friendships formed, experience gained, EVERYTHING. the disappointment was to such a large extent, that i damn nearly gave up on ever trying to commit in any competitions again. i kept thinking. WHY WHY WHY?? i mean, i've done my best, i've done my dutiful job as muslim, i've asked for HIS help and guidance... so why still? why such outcome??

it didnt occur to me that everything happens for a reason. at least not at that point of time. it took me quite a while to calm down and convince myself that such results was alright. i should take it in my stride and ohwell, accept it. miraculously, i didnt cry. fed-up? maybe. such uncanny coincidences that lead to the results. urgh

fortunately, alhamdulillah, i did come to my senses and well, sort of felt guilty. its like im doing my duties [prayers] to get something back in return, and not sincerely. oh wow. that really hit me. it was then did i realise the need to cleanse myself [well soon anyway] of such negativity and get my priorities straight.

alhamdulillah, i have been presented with yet another opportunity to redeem myself and make my teachers/school/parents/MYSELF proud.. this is my chance, since the teachers placed in so much faith in me. its the least i can do.

been under a lot of pressure lately. especially from myself. i have expectations to reach. expectations that i have implemented myself. expectations that are slowly taking a toll on both body and soul. so many things to do. so little time. im getting worried. very worried. my revision for 'o' levels have been placed on hold for quite some time already and the family's situation isnt helping much either. urgh.

why are some people so blardy selfish. even in things that are related to FAMILY. oh gosh. has the demon enticed you so dearly that you can forego all and pursue YOUR interests. HE'S ALREADY CREATING ENOUGH PROBLEM FOR THE FCUKING FAMILY THANK YOU VERY MUCH. urgh. you damn need a brain/heart transplant. idiot. both of you are. think man THINK. blardy shitholes.

i've been thinking alot. i've been thinking too much. urgh. WAIT. i ALWAYS think too much. damn. i need to act my age..

pray hard that i'll finally achieve my goals. this time, hard work and faith will go hand in hand. sincerely. insyAllah.

2006-03-27T14:38:00.000+08:00

our best wasnt good enough.

or maybe the system just sux.

every year the same stupid ~~shit~~ thing happens.

hello, next time make it LESS obvious will ya?!

urgh.

well on second thought, dah takder rezeki.

and now, shaf and i can concentrate on band comp and our 'o's.

oh well,

Segala yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya. InsyAllah.

2006-03-19T14:11:00.000+08:00

tired. tanned. pissed.
band band band.
no life.

i'm sorry.

Andainya dapat engkau mendengarkan
Suara di hatiku melagukan rindu
Kiranya engkau mampu mentafsirkan
Setiap bait kata-kata yang terucap

Pasti dirimu kan memahami
Harapan kasih yang terbina
Sekian lama di sudut hatiku
Hanyalah untukmu

Bukanlah aku sengaja
Melindungi rasa di jiwa
Namun bimbang diri kan terleka
Hanyut dibuai angan dan mimpi indah
Hingga terabai segala cita
Sedang khayalan tak menjanjikan
Segunung kebahagiaan
Sebagai mahar hantaran

~~maybe if you're willing to wait, we'll be together one day. insyallah~~

2006-03-12T15:40:00.000+08:00

One day, John asked his teacher,"What is love? How can I find it?"

His teacher answered, "There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk forward without turning back, and pick only one stalk. If you find the most magnificent stalk, then you have found love."

John walked forward, and before long, he returned with empty hands, having picked nothing. His teacher asked, "Why did you not pick any stalk?"

John answered,"Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not turn back.I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further, the stalks that I saw weren't as good as the earlier one, so I did not pick any in the end."

His teacher then said, "And that is love."

On another day, John asked his teacher, "What is marriage? How can I Find it?"

His teacher answered, "There is a thriving forest in front. Walk forward without turning back, and chop down only one tree. If you find the tallest tree, then you have found marriage."

John walked forward, and before long, He returned with a tree. The tree was not bad, but it was not tall. It was only an ordinary tree, not the best but just a good tree.

His teacher asked, "Why did you chop down such an ordinary tree?"

John answered, "Because of my previous experience. I had walked through the field, but returned with empty hands.This time, I saw this tree, and I felt that it was the first good tree that I saw, so I chopped it down and brought it back. I did not want to miss the opportunity."

His teacher then said, "And that is marriage. You see John, Love is the most beautiful thing to happen to a person, its an opportunity but you don't realise its worth when you have it but only when its gone like the field of stalks. Marriage like the tree you chopped, it's a compromise; you pick the first best thing you see and learn to live a happy life with it."

-pinkishstar.

found this over at a fellow blogger's domain.

i was stunned for a moment, due to the impact made by the sheer simplicity. love. marriage. two simple words that can cause a bombastic impact on one's life. though im only 16, of course i have my "perfect guy list" where i list the qualities dream man should have.
1. have a strong faith in Islam
2. good leadership qualities
3. pleasant to look at
4. responsiblereally, its nothing much. i dont need my husband to be filthy rich. for what, if he fails to fulfill his duty both as a husband and Muslim.

in fact, i was actually hoping that i get a husband such like my father. for since i was born, he has always been beside me. in fact, im quite a daddy's girl. i love the way he treat us, and in fact, the way he treat my mom. he's never stingy with money. even if he's financially tight, he will still spend money for us, even if that means sacrificing his own means. he is always willing to do his best for the family, and yet, does his best for himself. he's qualifications is a mere 'o' level certificate, yet he's able to climb the corporate ladder and now stand at the comfortable position. he has earned himself a great name in the property industry and had reaped multiple rewards, be it in recognition or monetary form.

yet am i able to? especially in the superficial state the world is in now. am i able to find a guy that will be able to lead me to the right path? im not sure. im not even ready for a proper relationship now, be it marriage. yes, i do have my crushes [eherm] and i wont lie to myself nor anyone else that i do have the longing to love and be loved. of course, i will have to put it after 'o's, but i doubt i'll be ready even then.

i've told my parents, i WONT GET ENGAGED. nope. i will save myself and everyone the hassle of wasting money, time and effort in going through the hoohaa of having an engagement ceremony. its not even a hukum/tuntutan agama. its just some traditional thing. i mean, even when you're engaged, you're still not entitled to do anything with your significant other right? i mean, it'll still be haram anyway. so why the trouble? heh. so i told them i'll just jump into marriage straightaway. at least, only after im confident that i found my significant other. heh. insyAllah

well, i still have a long way to go. i'll wait till the day when my heart will finally open to accept love. till then, i'll continue with my ~~nasyid boys~~ crushes. =)

Datanglah kasihmu dalam diriku
Menghiasi ruang hatiku
Akan ku sambutnya dengan
Sujud penuh kesyukuran

Ku harap jalinan kan berpanjangan
Selagi kasih yang terbina
Kerana cinta kepadaNya

Kau kusayangi teman sejati
Dikaulah sesungguhnya
Insan bernama Kekasih

2006-03-11T11:56:00.000+08:00

its a disgrace to call next week a holiday. seriously.

it is NOT a holiday!! [rolls eyes in protest]

everyday there's band. i have TWO tests in the holidays itself. teachers have given us the greatest gift of all - PILES OF HOMEWORK.

just looking at the schedule makes me sick. seriously. im currently contemplating to finish all my homework BEFORE the holidays, since there'll only be one hour of homework period per day during band. ~~one hour mana cukup siot??~~ and the fact that i'll probably drop dead right after coming home from band prac. It's from 8 to 5 for goodness sake. which sorta explains why i didnt go for band prac today. Preparing myself for next week lah.. sorry dear xiuren!

while the rest were slogging under the freaking hot sun, i went with mummy and daddy dearest to collect my ipod mini at apple centre. ~~it went bonkers after some water seeped into the usb port~~. so guess what? they REPLACED it with a totally new one! heh. lucky me~

went home and immediately sat infront of the computer to insert the songs. my oh my. i just realised how many nasyid songs i have. hahaha. ~~its ALOT~~ heh. its ok. at least its not black metal.

oh and the hijab issue~
still not decided yet. maybe i'll leave it for after 'o's. maybe. maybe i'll start tomorrow. ohwell....

Deras arus dunia menghanyutkan yang terleka
Indah fatamorgana melalaikan menipu daya
Dikejar dicintai bak bayangan tak bertepi
Tiada sudahnya dunia yang dicari

Begitu indah dunia siapa pun kan tergoda
Harta, pangkat dan wanita melemahkan jiwa
Tanpa iman dalam hati kita kan dikuasai
Syaitan nafsu dalam diri musuh yang tersembunyi
Pulanglah kepada Tuhan cahaya kehidupan
Keimanan ketakwaan kepadanya senjata utama

2006-03-07T13:31:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking quite a bit about something...

something that i know my dad will be damn pleased if i chose the right decision...

hmmm, but i have my doubts lah. whether im ready to carry such a responsibility ornot. i mean, i dont want to don it today, and tomorrow, it'll be off. if i don it, it should be permanent, but am i ready ornot..

but i do want to don it. its like, i know its high time for me to do it. i really want to, but my doubts are holding me back... hmmm..

so should i?

the next time
you see me,
will you see this?