time and again, i remind myself. Don't speak too soon.
Guess what i did?
***********
having someone within you, who constantly nags at you, remind you of whats right and wrong, keeping your sanity intact, isn't necessarily bad. i mean, if thats the only person that you've got, well, live with it. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.
there are days when i'll be sitting on the prayer mat, crying silently to Him, and making my insecurities be heard. for i know, He will always be there for me when i need him, and when insanity comes threateningly, knocking on my door, my only shield will be my faith in Him and believing in qadaa' and qadar. After everything that happened, be it the good or the bad, i believe that everything that happened, happens for a reason. and i should and will always, face the future straight-on. there are no longer reasons for me to hide under the covers of masks and lies, for i know too well, that the hurt will come back to slap me tight in the face.
but, i am human. i'm more than aware of the mistakes that i'm bound to make. i still have much khilaaf within me, and have a long way to go before finding true inner peace. there's still the devil within me who continuously struggles to make my life difficult, no matter how strong i try to be. there are days when i feel so at peace, and others, when i feel so insecure and anxious. those are the days, when i feel like giving up and going back into the sheltered facade that i used to live by.
its a struggle to live a new way of life, the islam way of life, when everybody thinks im living the old, havoc and wild life. when i recall the past, the calamities of everyday life, the strayed lifestyle that i once led, i weep silently of all the lost times and grief over the sins that i've committed. yet at the same time, i sit before Him and thank Him for letting me lead that lifestyle once, so much, that i can finally treasure this chance that He presented to me. Now, i no longer seek solace in the thick red liquid that oozes from my forearm everytime the blade slices through it, but instead, in His presence and understanding. i can weep, cry, vent out all the pain and anger in front of Him, and seek for help from Him, seek for peace of mind, and soul. and everytime, without fail, He always grant the wishes of those who remember Him.
people come and go. a painful fact that i've grown to accept with much heartache. but i've learned to accept and appreciate whoever that cross my path in life, and let them go when the time ensues. its a matter of finally coming to terms with yourself, and embracing the faith. its a matter of knowing who to turn to in times of need, and its a matter of loving and believing the right things. its a matter of never giving up, even when half of you just want to be helpless and crumble under the weight.
But with hardship comes relief and vice versa. its a law of nature, acknowledge it. for life is but a vicious cycle.
why am i saying all this in the middle of the night? trust me, i am no machine, nor am i no robot. i ache and hurt, just like every single one of you. all these happenings are just too much and threaten to turn on the waterworks any time. i know its too much to ask from your significant other to try to understand the personality disorder that you've experienced for years, and i know its unreasonable to expect too much from your significant other whom you just know and learn to appreciate. im just hoping that whatever feelings of hope and love that's between the two of us, is strong enough to withstand this raging storm of emotions and insecurities within me. insya'allah, for this feeling is too pure and ikhlaas, to be wasted away just like that.
i really do love you.
but before anything, i really need a good sob. i need to get it all out of my system. i need to unburden my woes to Him because verily only He knows best.
Abu Hurairah (radhiallaahu`anhu) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (sallallaahu‘alaihi wasallam) said: “Our Rabb, the Blessed, the Superior, comes down every night to the nearest heaven to us during the last third of the night. Then, He says: ‘(Is there anyone) who invokes Me, (demands anything from Me) so that I respond to his invocation? (Is there anyone) who asks Me for something so that I may grant him his request? (Is there anyone) who seeks My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?’” [Sahih Bukhari]
Guess what i did?
having someone within you, who constantly nags at you, remind you of whats right and wrong, keeping your sanity intact, isn't necessarily bad. i mean, if thats the only person that you've got, well, live with it. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.
there are days when i'll be sitting on the prayer mat, crying silently to Him, and making my insecurities be heard. for i know, He will always be there for me when i need him, and when insanity comes threateningly, knocking on my door, my only shield will be my faith in Him and believing in qadaa' and qadar. After everything that happened, be it the good or the bad, i believe that everything that happened, happens for a reason. and i should and will always, face the future straight-on. there are no longer reasons for me to hide under the covers of masks and lies, for i know too well, that the hurt will come back to slap me tight in the face.
but, i am human. i'm more than aware of the mistakes that i'm bound to make. i still have much khilaaf within me, and have a long way to go before finding true inner peace. there's still the devil within me who continuously struggles to make my life difficult, no matter how strong i try to be. there are days when i feel so at peace, and others, when i feel so insecure and anxious. those are the days, when i feel like giving up and going back into the sheltered facade that i used to live by.
its a struggle to live a new way of life, the islam way of life, when everybody thinks im living the old, havoc and wild life. when i recall the past, the calamities of everyday life, the strayed lifestyle that i once led, i weep silently of all the lost times and grief over the sins that i've committed. yet at the same time, i sit before Him and thank Him for letting me lead that lifestyle once, so much, that i can finally treasure this chance that He presented to me. Now, i no longer seek solace in the thick red liquid that oozes from my forearm everytime the blade slices through it, but instead, in His presence and understanding. i can weep, cry, vent out all the pain and anger in front of Him, and seek for help from Him, seek for peace of mind, and soul. and everytime, without fail, He always grant the wishes of those who remember Him.
people come and go. a painful fact that i've grown to accept with much heartache. but i've learned to accept and appreciate whoever that cross my path in life, and let them go when the time ensues. its a matter of finally coming to terms with yourself, and embracing the faith. its a matter of knowing who to turn to in times of need, and its a matter of loving and believing the right things. its a matter of never giving up, even when half of you just want to be helpless and crumble under the weight.
But with hardship comes relief and vice versa. its a law of nature, acknowledge it. for life is but a vicious cycle.
why am i saying all this in the middle of the night? trust me, i am no machine, nor am i no robot. i ache and hurt, just like every single one of you. all these happenings are just too much and threaten to turn on the waterworks any time. i know its too much to ask from your significant other to try to understand the personality disorder that you've experienced for years, and i know its unreasonable to expect too much from your significant other whom you just know and learn to appreciate. im just hoping that whatever feelings of hope and love that's between the two of us, is strong enough to withstand this raging storm of emotions and insecurities within me. insya'allah, for this feeling is too pure and ikhlaas, to be wasted away just like that.
but before anything, i really need a good sob. i need to get it all out of my system. i need to unburden my woes to Him because verily only He knows best.
Abu Hurairah (radhiallaahu`anhu) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (sallallaahu‘alaihi wasallam) said: “Our Rabb, the Blessed, the Superior, comes down every night to the nearest heaven to us during the last third of the night. Then, He says: ‘(Is there anyone) who invokes Me, (demands anything from Me) so that I respond to his invocation? (Is there anyone) who asks Me for something so that I may grant him his request? (Is there anyone) who seeks My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?’” [Sahih Bukhari]
posted by ika @ 2:15 PM
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