Never in my life did I thought Id eventually get myself to this situation. Never did I realize that being strong would eventually lead to my crumbling down. I never knew that my heart could make out this feelings. Not now. Not ever.
Clinging on to invisible hope has failed me yet again. What with nobody I could trust, life has been a weight on my shoulders. How can I ever express myself to anyone for that matters, if I cant even form the words thats creating a mess out of me? Will there ever be a chance for me to let it all out. Once and for all. With the past constantly hounding me, Im stuck in between crossroads. To tell, or to just continue to shut up.
Being sick and all alone, made me realize the vulnerability that still exists within me. Im not superhuman you know. My heart yearns for someone to be by my side, to assure me of the coming days, to simply care. Never once did I realize how expensive a hug could be, or just a simple reassurance smile. Being strong solely on my own, has finally taken its toll. I might be heading for a mental breakdown, again. Is it so difficult to actually love me, or am I just asking for too much?
I used to be so fcuking proud about being the only girl in the whole family. Now it plain sux. The pressure of not being to be able to talk freely, the feeling of being restricted, and the immense realization of ones sexual drive has made me nuts. I cant hold on anymore.
I want to love, and be loved. Everyones to engrossed with their lives to realize my cry for help. Too troubled with their own problems. Maybe its partly my fault. My whole life has been dedicated to showing a façade to the world, to convince everyone and myself, that I am strong and that I can hold on, but at this point of time, that facade can no longer be continued. I succeeded you know, and for a certain period of time, the whole world was blinded, and even I was convinced that that was me, until everything sets in.
Im sorry friends, I know you care. You really do. But I cant help thinking that at times, it may not be from the heart, just the sense of need to say that you care. I dont know. For years, I have never found myself dependant on friends, not emotionally, and maybe I never will. But maybe there is where my weakness stands. Friends forever? Cliche.
I may have my life in order, in terms of my future and hopes of success, but emotionally, Im a wreck.
Clinging on to invisible hope has failed me yet again. What with nobody I could trust, life has been a weight on my shoulders. How can I ever express myself to anyone for that matters, if I cant even form the words thats creating a mess out of me? Will there ever be a chance for me to let it all out. Once and for all. With the past constantly hounding me, Im stuck in between crossroads. To tell, or to just continue to shut up.
Being sick and all alone, made me realize the vulnerability that still exists within me. Im not superhuman you know. My heart yearns for someone to be by my side, to assure me of the coming days, to simply care. Never once did I realize how expensive a hug could be, or just a simple reassurance smile. Being strong solely on my own, has finally taken its toll. I might be heading for a mental breakdown, again. Is it so difficult to actually love me, or am I just asking for too much?
I used to be so fcuking proud about being the only girl in the whole family. Now it plain sux. The pressure of not being to be able to talk freely, the feeling of being restricted, and the immense realization of ones sexual drive has made me nuts. I cant hold on anymore.
I want to love, and be loved. Everyones to engrossed with their lives to realize my cry for help. Too troubled with their own problems. Maybe its partly my fault. My whole life has been dedicated to showing a façade to the world, to convince everyone and myself, that I am strong and that I can hold on, but at this point of time, that facade can no longer be continued. I succeeded you know, and for a certain period of time, the whole world was blinded, and even I was convinced that that was me, until everything sets in.
Im sorry friends, I know you care. You really do. But I cant help thinking that at times, it may not be from the heart, just the sense of need to say that you care. I dont know. For years, I have never found myself dependant on friends, not emotionally, and maybe I never will. But maybe there is where my weakness stands. Friends forever? Cliche.
I may have my life in order, in terms of my future and hopes of success, but emotionally, Im a wreck.
posted by ika @ 5:19 PM
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