note: this entry contains explicit comments. please dont jump to conclusions. you dont know me, so dont even try. this is about me, myself and i. respect the fact that this is my blog, and you dont have any right to judge me just by reading it. the contents of this entry should not be used against me in any way. respect that. hell, i never wanted any of my schoolmates to ever find out about this blog, so if you do, shut up about it.

freaking rollercoaster ride for these past few days. i think i even concussed a couple of times. gosh, luckily i didnt slip out of the seat like those two poor girls. damn. i better dont get imsonia.

i cant believe that the past my past could affect me so much. even without me realising it. fcuk. for more than half a decade i have tried to bury it. vanguish it if i can. but now, it seems as if the earth that i buried it in is vomitting all its contents without acknowledging the situation im in. how can something minor in my life currently, trigger something so major to erupt? why add fuel to fire? isnt it enough that my life is filled by people who have no conscience and no regards to the people around them?

i swear to ALLAH. i never wanted to bring this up ever again. i never wanted to remember it. not now. not ever. but your actions shovelled everything up. have you no conscience? have you no feelings? fcuk you. you're supposed to protect me, not throw me into the depths of hell. all these years, never once did you show an ounce of regret. never once have you acknowledged what you have done. leaving me completely hopeless.

because of you, i have been punishing myself unknowingly. till today. because of you i hated myself. fcuk. why did you think i was so rebellious once. why did you think i shut down back then? because of you, i can never trust anyone. because of you, i was never in a relationship. i never realised that all this came from one source, you.

day in, day out, i used to cry. i never could reach out to anyone, to tell them to hold me, to reassure me that everything would turn out fine. fcuk. i couldnt even trust my family.

why did you think i matured so fast?

did i have a choice? you forced me to leave behind my childhood long before i even should. because of you, i was unable to enjoy life as a child. i knew i had to grow up. either that, or sink deeper into depression. never once did you consider how i was. when i see my friends laughing and not having a care in the world, i would feel so damn envious. i wanted to be like them. yet, they wanted to be like me. the all grown up kakak-kakak. fcuk. im supposed to be younger than most of them!

now, you made a decision that's causing a fcuking stir in the family. all you know is what you want. dont you remember your responsibilities? grow up. i dont want your apology. i want you to finally take responsibility. look around. life isnt a bed of roses. dont expect yourself to always be on a silver platter.

fcuk you. i hate you, but i have to see you for the rest of my life.

its time for you to grow up boy.