you know there comes a point when you suddenly question fate? like what the hell is happening? or why it was happening in the first place?

that happened to me. in the spur of the moment. it never occured to me that i will once again experience a situation where i'll question fate and actually act adamant towards it. honestly, i've never skipped solat [at least since late last year], and never felt guilty. i mean, yeah so its an act of defiance, but only now do i realise that the only person i'm defying is myself. and only NOW [such wrong timing], when i can perform my prayers, do the guilt come charging back in. honestly, its not a nice feeling. EVER.

maybe i was just tired of going for competition, putting in my best, and end up going home empty-handed. i forgot about the friendships formed, experience gained, EVERYTHING. the disappointment was to such a large extent, that i damn nearly gave up on ever trying to commit in any competitions again. i kept thinking. WHY WHY WHY?? i mean, i've done my best, i've done my dutiful job as muslim, i've asked for HIS help and guidance... so why still? why such outcome??

it didnt occur to me that everything happens for a reason. at least not at that point of time. it took me quite a while to calm down and convince myself that such results was alright. i should take it in my stride and ohwell, accept it. miraculously, i didnt cry. fed-up? maybe. such uncanny coincidences that lead to the results. urgh

fortunately, alhamdulillah, i did come to my senses and well, sort of felt guilty. its like im doing my duties [prayers] to get something back in return, and not sincerely. oh wow. that really hit me. it was then did i realise the need to cleanse myself [well soon anyway] of such negativity and get my priorities straight.

alhamdulillah, i have been presented with yet another opportunity to redeem myself and make my teachers/school/parents/MYSELF proud.. this is my chance, since the teachers placed in so much faith in me. its the least i can do.

been under a lot of pressure lately. especially from myself. i have expectations to reach. expectations that i have implemented myself. expectations that are slowly taking a toll on both body and soul. so many things to do. so little time. im getting worried. very worried. my revision for 'o' levels have been placed on hold for quite some time already and the family's situation isnt helping much either. urgh.

why are some people so blardy selfish. even in things that are related to FAMILY. oh gosh. has the demon enticed you so dearly that you can forego all and pursue YOUR interests. HE'S ALREADY CREATING ENOUGH PROBLEM FOR THE FCUKING FAMILY THANK YOU VERY MUCH. urgh. you damn need a brain/heart transplant. idiot. both of you are. think man THINK. blardy shitholes.

i've been thinking alot. i've been thinking too much. urgh. WAIT. i ALWAYS think too much. damn. i need to act my age..

pray hard that i'll finally achieve my goals. this time, hard work and faith will go hand in hand. sincerely. insyAllah.

our best wasnt good enough.

or maybe the system just sux.

every year the same stupid shit thing happens.

hello, next time make it LESS obvious will ya?!

urgh.

well on second thought, dah takder rezeki.

and now, shaf and i can concentrate on band comp and our 'o's.

oh well,

Segala yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya. InsyAllah.

tired. tanned. pissed.
band band band.
no life.

i'm sorry.

Andainya dapat engkau mendengarkan
Suara di hatiku melagukan rindu
Kiranya engkau mampu mentafsirkan
Setiap bait kata-kata yang terucap

Pasti dirimu kan memahami
Harapan kasih yang terbina
Sekian lama di sudut hatiku
Hanyalah untukmu

Bukanlah aku sengaja
Melindungi rasa di jiwa
Namun bimbang diri kan terleka
Hanyut dibuai angan dan mimpi indah
Hingga terabai segala cita
Sedang khayalan tak menjanjikan
Segunung kebahagiaan
Sebagai mahar hantaran

maybe if you're willing to wait, we'll be together one day. insyallah

One day, John asked his teacher,"What is love? How can I find it?"

His teacher answered, "There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk forward without turning back, and pick only one stalk. If you find the most magnificent stalk, then you have found love."

John walked forward, and before long, he returned with empty hands, having picked nothing. His teacher asked, "Why did you not pick any stalk?"

John answered,"Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not turn back.I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further, the stalks that I saw weren't as good as the earlier one, so I did not pick any in the end."


His teacher then said, "And that is love."

On another day, John asked his teacher, "What is marriage? How can I Find it?"

His teacher answered, "There is a thriving forest in front. Walk forward without turning back, and chop down only one tree. If you find the tallest tree, then you have found marriage."

John walked forward, and before long, He returned with a tree. The tree was not bad, but it was not tall. It was only an ordinary tree, not the best but just a good tree.

His teacher asked, "Why did you chop down such an ordinary tree?"

John answered, "Because of my previous experience. I had walked through the field, but returned with empty hands.This time, I saw this tree, and I felt that it was the first good tree that I saw, so I chopped it down and brought it back. I did not want to miss the opportunity."

His teacher then said, "And that is marriage. You see John, Love is the most beautiful thing to happen to a person, its an opportunity but you don't realise its worth when you have it but only when its gone like the field of stalks. Marriage like the tree you chopped, it's a compromise; you pick the first best thing you see and learn to live a happy life with it."

-pinkishstar.

found this over at a fellow blogger's domain.

i was stunned for a moment, due to the impact made by the sheer simplicity. love. marriage. two simple words that can cause a bombastic impact on one's life. though im only 16, of course i have my "perfect guy list" where i list the qualities dream man should have.
1. have a strong faith in Islam
2. good leadership qualities
3. pleasant to look at
4. responsiblereally, its nothing much. i dont need my husband to be filthy rich. for what, if he fails to fulfill his duty both as a husband and Muslim.

in fact, i was actually hoping that i get a husband such like my father. for since i was born, he has always been beside me. in fact, im quite a daddy's girl. i love the way he treat us, and in fact, the way he treat my mom. he's never stingy with money. even if he's financially tight, he will still spend money for us, even if that means sacrificing his own means. he is always willing to do his best for the family, and yet, does his best for himself. he's qualifications is a mere 'o' level certificate, yet he's able to climb the corporate ladder and now stand at the comfortable position. he has earned himself a great name in the property industry and had reaped multiple rewards, be it in recognition or monetary form.

yet am i able to? especially in the superficial state the world is in now. am i able to find a guy that will be able to lead me to the right path? im not sure. im not even ready for a proper relationship now, be it marriage. yes, i do have my crushes [eherm] and i wont lie to myself nor anyone else that i do have the longing to love and be loved. of course, i will have to put it after 'o's, but i doubt i'll be ready even then.

i've told my parents, i WONT GET ENGAGED. nope. i will save myself and everyone the hassle of wasting money, time and effort in going through the hoohaa of having an engagement ceremony. its not even a hukum/tuntutan agama. its just some traditional thing. i mean, even when you're engaged, you're still not entitled to do anything with your significant other right? i mean, it'll still be haram anyway. so why the trouble? heh. so i told them i'll just jump into marriage straightaway. at least, only after im confident that i found my significant other. heh. insyAllah

well, i still have a long way to go. i'll wait till the day when my heart will finally open to accept love. till then, i'll continue with my nasyid boys crushes. =)

Datanglah kasihmu dalam diriku
Menghiasi ruang hatiku
Akan ku sambutnya dengan
Sujud penuh kesyukuran

Ku harap jalinan kan berpanjangan
Selagi kasih yang terbina
Kerana cinta kepadaNya

Kau kusayangi teman sejati
Dikaulah sesungguhnya
Insan bernama Kekasih

its a disgrace to call next week a holiday. seriously.

it is NOT a holiday!! [rolls eyes in protest]

everyday there's band. i have TWO tests in the holidays itself. teachers have given us the greatest gift of all - PILES OF HOMEWORK.

just looking at the schedule makes me sick. seriously. im currently contemplating to finish all my homework BEFORE the holidays, since there'll only be one hour of homework period per day during band. one hour mana cukup siot?? and the fact that i'll probably drop dead right after coming home from band prac. It's from 8 to 5 for goodness sake. which sorta explains why i didnt go for band prac today. Preparing myself for next week lah.. sorry dear xiuren!

while the rest were slogging under the freaking hot sun, i went with mummy and daddy dearest to collect my ipod mini at apple centre. it went bonkers after some water seeped into the usb port. so guess what? they REPLACED it with a totally new one! heh. lucky me~




went home and immediately sat infront of the computer to insert the songs. my oh my. i just realised how many nasyid songs i have. hahaha. its ALOT heh. its ok. at least its not black metal.

oh and the hijab issue~
still not decided yet. maybe i'll leave it for after 'o's. maybe. maybe i'll start tomorrow. ohwell....

Deras arus dunia menghanyutkan yang terleka
Indah fatamorgana melalaikan menipu daya
Dikejar dicintai bak bayangan tak bertepi
Tiada sudahnya dunia yang dicari

Begitu indah dunia siapa pun kan tergoda
Harta, pangkat dan wanita melemahkan jiwa
Tanpa iman dalam hati kita kan dikuasai
Syaitan nafsu dalam diri musuh yang tersembunyi
Pulanglah kepada Tuhan cahaya kehidupan
Keimanan ketakwaan kepadanya senjata utama

i've been thinking quite a bit about something...

something that i know my dad will be damn pleased if i chose the right decision...

hmmm, but i have my doubts lah. whether im ready to carry such a responsibility ornot. i mean, i dont want to don it today, and tomorrow, it'll be off. if i don it, it should be permanent, but am i ready ornot..

but i do want to don it. its like, i know its high time for me to do it. i really want to, but my doubts are holding me back... hmmm..

so should i?




the next time
you see me,
will you see this?