You know when you're relying on your visual obsession (of guys you dont know practicing dikir barat) to experience joy, that something is wrong.

Everything is effectively going downhill. Flashbacks evidently sparks once in a while back to those days when my life was, lamely put, a screw-up. I'm starting to lose touch with who I'm supposed to be. Do I need a reason? Or do I need to prove myself? At the rate I'm going, I'm starting to believe that the best answers for these questions are "YES".

I'm jumping from one euphoria to another. Then what? What if everything cease to exist? Will I return to being a soul without spirit, living life just for the sake of living? I swore that I shall never return to those dark days, and try as I might, the depression is starting to set in. Though the tendency to self-hurt is still far from occuring, the soul still yearns for a true measure of being.

I cant think straight anymore. I dont feel close to Him anymore, astaghfirullah. Try as I might, everything is slowly slipping from grasp. All that I've worked hard for, all that I chose to believe, are assumingly becoming fallacies to the reality that I'm being bombarded with. I find the need to prove myself constantly bugging my conscience, say I have one. I cant exist because I MERELY do; I NEED to justify my presence.

JC life has imprinted itself. The urgent need to succeed is so evident because I'm used to it. I NEED to do well, to get the grades. Because I KNOW I can get it. I NEED TO GET IT. Or I'll feel like a useless bitch who cant seem to justify her presence on this lovely Earth, because her fulfilment of her duty as His Servant is also drained. See? That mentality is the one thing that is going to cause my downfall.

WHY?

In response to that mentality, I'm going to work myself to the ground. Depression will start to set it should I be unable to achieve the personal targets that are going to be crazy-high. Ignorance shall be feigned, Happiness shall be a mere act.

How do I know this?

Because this isn't the first time.
I want it to be the last time.

The toll I have to pay for this obscenity is too immense, too painful, up to a point that is simply not worth it.

I work hard to piece things together, just to be left more confused and vulnerable to mistakes.

I tried to think of the question that Saiful posted to me the other day, and I cant seem to put my thoughts together. Half the time I'll be so damn distracted by my obsession, I'd end up feeling many times worst than I first started off. If this continues, I'm going to suffer a breakdown.

My apologies to you, because of ranting all this here. This is the true reflection of myself. I want to be me, but who am I?

I thought I've found my direction, but here I am at crossroads again. I dont want to stray away from Him, so please Allah, guide me back to Your path. Grant me the strength to strive forward, and shine your heedayah on F, so that together we can serve You to the best of our abilities.

Writing is my only remedy. Verbal language is the nature of my game of fallacy.

You are my acquaintance, but are you my friend?