You know when you're relying on your visual obsession (of guys you dont know practicing dikir barat) to experience joy, that something is wrong.

Everything is effectively going downhill. Flashbacks evidently sparks once in a while back to those days when my life was, lamely put, a screw-up. I'm starting to lose touch with who I'm supposed to be. Do I need a reason? Or do I need to prove myself? At the rate I'm going, I'm starting to believe that the best answers for these questions are "YES".

I'm jumping from one euphoria to another. Then what? What if everything cease to exist? Will I return to being a soul without spirit, living life just for the sake of living? I swore that I shall never return to those dark days, and try as I might, the depression is starting to set in. Though the tendency to self-hurt is still far from occuring, the soul still yearns for a true measure of being.

I cant think straight anymore. I dont feel close to Him anymore, astaghfirullah. Try as I might, everything is slowly slipping from grasp. All that I've worked hard for, all that I chose to believe, are assumingly becoming fallacies to the reality that I'm being bombarded with. I find the need to prove myself constantly bugging my conscience, say I have one. I cant exist because I MERELY do; I NEED to justify my presence.

JC life has imprinted itself. The urgent need to succeed is so evident because I'm used to it. I NEED to do well, to get the grades. Because I KNOW I can get it. I NEED TO GET IT. Or I'll feel like a useless bitch who cant seem to justify her presence on this lovely Earth, because her fulfilment of her duty as His Servant is also drained. See? That mentality is the one thing that is going to cause my downfall.

WHY?

In response to that mentality, I'm going to work myself to the ground. Depression will start to set it should I be unable to achieve the personal targets that are going to be crazy-high. Ignorance shall be feigned, Happiness shall be a mere act.

How do I know this?

Because this isn't the first time.
I want it to be the last time.

The toll I have to pay for this obscenity is too immense, too painful, up to a point that is simply not worth it.

I work hard to piece things together, just to be left more confused and vulnerable to mistakes.

I tried to think of the question that Saiful posted to me the other day, and I cant seem to put my thoughts together. Half the time I'll be so damn distracted by my obsession, I'd end up feeling many times worst than I first started off. If this continues, I'm going to suffer a breakdown.

My apologies to you, because of ranting all this here. This is the true reflection of myself. I want to be me, but who am I?

I thought I've found my direction, but here I am at crossroads again. I dont want to stray away from Him, so please Allah, guide me back to Your path. Grant me the strength to strive forward, and shine your heedayah on F, so that together we can serve You to the best of our abilities.

Writing is my only remedy. Verbal language is the nature of my game of fallacy.

You are my acquaintance, but are you my friend?

Insight - Commitment or Routine?

Salam guys.

I’ve a story to tell you. I know it should be about Singapore winning the ASEAN cup blah blah blah, but its not. =D

Every morning, at exactly 7 in the morning,(I know, because I’d always look at my watch), or maybe even as early as 6.45, since God-knows-when (I’ve only realised it last year, which goes to show how bloody ignorant I was.), the sound of music (HAH!) from a VERY FUNCTIONING radio (I live on the 12th storey and I can still hear it!) will be heard. What music? The accompanying music to the Chinese art of taichi. YES. Every morning, even on Sundays, without fail, a group of aunties elderly Chinese ladies, and the occasional men, would gather at the park, which is situated right beside my block, to do taichi. If it rains, they will do their taichi at the multi-purpose hall nearby. Day in, day out, these group of people will kickstart their day with the art of taichi.

Why am I mentioning this?

Do you sense the commitment?
Or would you rather take it as a routine?
That these people put themselves through every single day.
With the same tune.
The same steps.
The same people.

Is it because they are too used to it? Or do they actually value the hour they spend every day doing the same thing?

Lets bring the topic closer to home, to heart.

Do you sometimes feel obliged to do something because you’re comfortable in it? Because it’s the safest thing to do? Because its stupid to you and to everyone else if you were to ever take a risk, jump out of your comfort zone.

Have you ever felt that you’ve had enough of something? Enough of school? Enough of that job that pays you mediocrely? Enough of that same activity that you do everyday but never seemed to get anything out of it? Enough of that relationship?

*Would you get involved in a relationship just because it’s the safest thing to do? Would you convince yourself that you’re in love with a guy just because he loves you and would do anything, ANYTHING, just so that you’d be his, making your life a comfortable routine? Would you believe that you’ve forgotten an old flame, just because you’re tired of waiting for a definite answer? Would you say YES to a commitment that your heart was never into, but you were happy to be in, just to see someone change for the better, and stick with it because you’re scared of change and whatever the future holds?

Imagine being one of the aunties (or uncles). Should one day, you suddenly wake up and think, “I’m sick of taichi, how about I try something new today?”. Would you follow that thought, and seek out other morning activities that you can actually do? Or would you hold on to that wonderful thought for a while, until you actually step out of the house, and consciously seek your taichi group, because you’re too scared to venture out and make new friends, seek new opportunities. Too scared to face something that is by far uncertain.

*Writing is a remedy. What I’m trying to convey to you, I’m trying to digest and practise myself.

The question is, are we willing to forego our own safe judgement, and seek the more fulfilling path?

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is, no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were, and become who you are. - The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

Salam guys.

So the tide has subsided, alhamdulillah.
My mental state of mind is perfectly fine.

Of course, why wouldnt it?
when you have great company who cheer you up everyday?

I have people acting like The Grinch and a bitchy one at that!



And I have guys who serenade me with their skilful guitar playing...



And yes wei chiang, i can be a bimbo and fall in love with you! =D

So yes, its the unprecedented support that helped the best. People who help me to pull through without even realising it. Sometimes, its best never to expect anything, because its the people who never cross your mind that picks you up and lift you to your feet. And its the people who you yearn for the most, who fail to reach out and seek your hand.

They are no such thing as true friends. the whole load on Best Friends Forever is all bull. its human nature to stray away, to move on. So why treasure a relationship so much, just to end up getting hurt all over again? You'll die and get buried alone anyway.

Im not being a pessimist, nor am I mad at my friends. Life taught me to never depend on anyone unless necessary. For now, i'm just glad to have my fellow saints who are crazy enough to accompany me through these 2 months of my life, and insyAllah, for the next 2 years to come.



ps: the cliques are unintentional ok. its human nature! =D

take a paintbrush and colour your bleak world.
drown your soul in the medley of love songs.
fool everyone with your masquerade.
everyone.
but yourself.

Salam guys.

i'm still alive, alhamdulillah.
and i'm still a saint.
i probably will be for the next 2 years, who knows?

yes, i'm alive.
but its the soul i'm worried about.

too much angst. too much hatred. too much pain. plain fatigue.

perhaps its the fatigue. or perhaps its high time that the dam broke and i begin to feel all these screwed feelings all over again. its worst when your mental and emotional well-being isnt even cared for by your blood relatives.
*****************
i've read self-help books, motivational books, and whatever books that could help make me a better person, and it all comes down to one thing.

LOVE

you've got to be kidding me.

you tell me to love myself.
fuck, i love myself too much to bother about what other people think about me.

you tell me to love my family.
i love them so much that i said fuck to my own well-being for people i have blood relations with.

you tell me to love my friends.
i love them too much that sometimes i feel im just wasting my time over acquaintances that'll leave me one day.

you tell me to love life.
i love life and thank Allah for blessing me with all the goods that i have.

but you dont tell me what love is.
*****************
things are just crazy right now. no, im not referring to jc life. im coping well with it, alhamdulillah. and im grateful for the mere existence of a JC LIFE, because i can occupy myself so much with it that i go home and just sleep.

i used to be addicted to cutting myself. with a penknife. dont ask me why. the marks are still there, on my forearm and thighs.
but i've long left that habit. i found a new one.
i peel my skin. its disgusting i know
i dont care what YOU think. I KNOW ITS WRONG. i just cant help it.
i do it unknowingly.

you've got to understand how difficult it is for me to do this. to tell the damn bloody whole world what i feel, what i do, what i fear. because i JUST DONT DO IT. no matter how freaking outspoken, crazy, enthusiastic you find me, i dont expose myself to the world blindly. i was brought up to JUST SHUT UP. basically, i was brought up to feel and think that "THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT OF WHAT YOU THINK SMARTASS." so essentially, starting a blog was a big step. for me to be able to let go. why? because you just dont talk to yourself every night to sleep and pretend that people care. because you dont talk to your bolster like its a person. and because you need to do something before you go into depression-mode all over again.

thats why,
i dont write down my itinery for the day. i think that just sucks and bore people to death.
i dont post lyrics/songs on my blog because i think its shit.
i write what i feel, what i believe, and what i justify as right.
i dont intend to rally support or sympathy from people.
i just need an avenue to express myself with words.
because i cant do it verbally.
i wasnt brought up that way.

you see, no matter what i say, no matter what they say,
im not ready for love.
i yearn for it, yes, i envy friends who have significant others as confidantes.
but 'experience' taught me to do otherwise.
perhaps its because i wasnt expose to it earlier on in life.
perhaps i had too much selflessness and lack of confidence while in it.
or perhaps...
oh fcuk.

too much angst. too little love.
what is wrong?
astaghfirullah.
Ya Allah, give me the strength i need, and give me guidance, for you are the One and the Almighty.

dont bother to do anything. dont give me the hope of something nonexistent.

SEXY SAV6RDO!

If you wanna see the best knights in town
Just say ARTS FAC and we'll turn around
Oh why do I feel this way?
Hey! Must be Saverdo!

3 full days of crazily fun orientation eats up your brain.
especially if your campus is at the other side of the world.
ok im kidding for that part.
SAJC is only at the OTHER SIDE OF SINGAPORE.

wonders of wonders.
for the first time in my life, i have to wake up at FIVE, leave the house at SIX , JUST. TO. GET. TO. SCHOOL.
darn.

Orientation was hyper. The councillors were dedicated. The place's bursting with high school spirit.
I lost my voice, so that should explain how crazy i went during the 3 days.
we were wet and dirty, we were running all over the place playing sadistic games, and we were cheering like mad hooligans.
ARTS FAC = FUN
but
the monster in me was unleashed. and i was scared
instead of campfire, we had disco nite.
which basically meant we had a free clubbing session where a band was invited to play.
and lets just say, it was a blast from the screwed past.
and i succumbed to the music. which is'nt healthy.

later that night, i cried in fear.
not because i was in a christian mission school where scriptures from the bible are read every morning after assembly.
not because i have to start from scratch again and will probably screw up in EQ department.
and not because i was STILL grooving to the music which included MANY christian songs.
i cried because during that 1.5 hours of dancing and going crazy,
i actually contemplated on feeling regret for changing to the person i am today.
i actually wanted to go back to that lifestyle.
to clubbing. drinking. going crazy without a care for the world.
and so i cried.

astaghfirullah.

i am not going back to square one.

yes i know i've digressed from orientation. but im not going to detail it through. you'll probably be bored to death.

all im saying is, it's one heck of a memorable event. thank you 29th student council for making it what it is. and thank you to my ogl - sharleen, for being such a sweetheart.

the showdown begins next week. and i only have an hour of lesson on Monday! wth?

The Story about Us

Salam guys.

Its the time of the year,
when melancholy and nostalgia reigns,
as a group of human beings,
break free from tradition,
and are forced, albeit willingly, into a completely different cycle.

yes, its the time of the year to move on.
its time to leave the term "secondary school kids" and usher in "jc kakaks/abangs".
and what other way to do that,
than have a final dinner together,
crapping, eating, being plain noisy.
just us.

Before that, how about a trip down memory lane.
Introducing,
the makciks / family tiri clan


notice the bright flash behind Afizah? the sunshine of our life - that we used to say, and still do. this was taken after registering at PERGAS. yes, we have PERGAS to keep the love strong!


our paths crossed way back in Sec 1, all 4 of us. (Afizah, Shaf, Faj and Yours Truly)
but the friendship was a late bloomer - we became friends only at sec 3.
We were then joined by another sweetheart, Anum, who always rushes off with her boyfriend after school.

So from not-so-good-acquaintances [because i was a full-fledged bitch back then, loud/foul-mouthed, short skirt, practically non-existent eyebrows, and of course, sucking up to teachers being my optimum specialty], to good classmates [long chatting sessions after PE lessons and during recess], to best friends [the family tree goes ironically as follows - the "eldest" being myself, followed by shafiqah, to afizah, to anum - and guess how the birthdates goes.] , we began our upper secondary school journey.

and on Thurday, we officially ended our secondary school days - but not our friendship - with a celebratory cum farewell dinner over at alazhar, off bukit timah road.

there were 3 couples - well, 2 actually, but the 2 singles decided to team up and form an impromptu lesbian team.





We have the not-so-secret-affair between vice-chairman and head-of-welfare.


We have the couple-that-everybody-cannot-understand.


and of course,
We have the impromptu lesbian team.


It was a great night out, despite the fact that we were late.
reminiscences, memories, laughter, tears, fights.
man, the 4 years were packed with everything and anything.
we laughed at our silliness, our idiocy, and smiled at the memories.
entering competitions together, going through breakups together etc.

Im going to miss you guys.
Every 3 saturday of the month ok?
or maybe once in 2 months.
or once in 6.....
I wonder what'll happen if the couples break up... gosh.



Baby, its time to move on..

Remedy for a Panic Attack / Screwed Feelings.

Malboro lights, penknife, alcohol, loud pumping music

Astaghfirullah.

Solat, du'aa, faith, patience.

Ibraaheem al-Khawaas (rahimahu Allaah) said : Patience is having steadfastness upon the Qur'aan and the Sunnah. And it is said that patience is restraining oneself in times of difficulty with the best manner and character. And Abu 'Alee ad-Diqaaq (rahimahu Allaah) said that patience is not remonstrating against that which Allaah decrees for us. However, making apparent ones difficulty through complaining [to Allaah] about it does not negate ones patience. For Allaah ta'aalaa said about Ayyoob (alayhi as-salaam) "Truly! We found him patient. How excellent a slave! Verily, he was ever oft-returning in repentance (to Us)!" [Soorah Saad, 44], while also saying "And (remember) Ayoob, when he cried to his Lord: Verily, distress has seized me, and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show mercy." [Soorah al-Anbiyaa', 83], and Allaah knows best.

Subhanallah.

I am better than this wreck that I am now.

But sometimes people forget that I too am human.

I've learnt how to cry after so many years of restraining.
But do you know it hurts more when crying alone?

Name : NUR ATIKAH AMALINA BTE MOHD Z

1. The results of your application are as follows:
Posted Institution : ST ANDREW'S JUNIOR COLLEGE
Course Name : ST ANDREW'S JUNIOR COLLEGE (ARTS)
Course Code : 30A
2. Please report to the JC/MI on 3 Jan 2007 at 8am.

Alhamdulillah.
But i want to cry can?
2nd choice leh!

And keep your soul content with those who call on their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Face; and let not your eyes pass beyond them, seeking the pomp and glitter of this Life; nor obey any whose heart We have permitted to neglect the remembrance of Us, one who follows his own desires, whose case has gone beyond all bounds. (Qur'an 18: 28)

Salam.

you know who your real friends are when they've gone through whatever shit you've gone through, together. you know who your real friends are when they stick by you no matter who you are. and you know who your real friends are when they'll pick up your calls at 2-3 in the morning without a single grumble.

but when your real friend is screwed up, what do you do?
do you just accept it as who she is,
or do you try to change her back to something that she's not.

you see, my real friend has been with me through all the shit i've been through. and i mean it. she's seen me throughmy wild, havoc days; she's seen me through my self-injury days; hell, she's even seen me through my suicidal days. days that i look back now and istighfar. astaghfirullah. but dont get me wrong. i dont regret those days, since they were the ones that eventually mould me into who i am today.

my real friend has also been through the shit herself. that's why we're strong. we understand each other. but instead of seeking solace in Islaam, well, lets just say, she'd strayed. damn far. too damn fcuking far.

i've cried for her. i rode with her on the ambulance on the eve of her birthday when she tried to take her life. i've been with her through the craziest of times. i love her.

sometimes, i feel useless as a friend. for not being able to guide her back to the right path. for being silent when she tells me of her conquests. for agreeing with her when she tells me of the joys of the free life. for allowing her to be like so.

my faith is sometimes questioned when im with her and the rest of the girls. wonderful people. but strayed. i'll pray that i wont drift away together with them, into the life that i swore that i'll never have ever again. but sometimes, its just too difficult. not when they're the ones who's true to you.

she accepted me when i changed. she never questioned nor taunted me when i decided to throw away my past and embraced islaam. she respected my decision to wear the hijaab. she tries to protect me. she doesnt allow me to follow her footsteps. she loves me.

but im disappointed in her. truly.

i want the best for her. and its not the way things are now. the life that she's leading now will eventually lead to her demise. is this the way she wants to lead her life? i often question that.

it doesnt help that she has other non-practicing muslim girlfriends, who are also my girls too. so how can she see the difference between embracing islaam and not? its not as if she doesnt know the basics of islam. she does. she even went to religious school once upon a time ago. does it make a difference if i excuse myself to perform my prayers when i go out with them? does it make a difference when i tell them of the joys of embracing islaam? does it make a difference when i tell them of the changes i've experienced since then? or will they just take it lightly? or will they instead look at my constraints without realising that there's a purpose behind it - for my own well being as a muslimah. i dont know. subhanallah. i wish they realise the essence of my being with them.

my friend. i know i should accept you the way you are. but deep within me, i resent the person on the surface of you now. i resent your lifestyle more than anything. i know you're capable of doing so much more. you're always in my prayers. its the weakest thing i could ever do as a muslim, as your friend.

for i pray that one day, He will shine hidayah upon you and the girls. insyAllah.

i know who my real friend is.
if you're reading this, please know that im sorry for not being able to say this to your face.
i love you.
and im always your friend darling.