take a paintbrush and colour your bleak world.
drown your soul in the medley of love songs.
fool everyone with your masquerade.
everyone.
but yourself.

Salam guys.

i'm still alive, alhamdulillah.
and i'm still a saint.
i probably will be for the next 2 years, who knows?

yes, i'm alive.
but its the soul i'm worried about.

too much angst. too much hatred. too much pain. plain fatigue.

perhaps its the fatigue. or perhaps its high time that the dam broke and i begin to feel all these screwed feelings all over again. its worst when your mental and emotional well-being isnt even cared for by your blood relatives.
*****************
i've read self-help books, motivational books, and whatever books that could help make me a better person, and it all comes down to one thing.

LOVE

you've got to be kidding me.

you tell me to love myself.
fuck, i love myself too much to bother about what other people think about me.

you tell me to love my family.
i love them so much that i said fuck to my own well-being for people i have blood relations with.

you tell me to love my friends.
i love them too much that sometimes i feel im just wasting my time over acquaintances that'll leave me one day.

you tell me to love life.
i love life and thank Allah for blessing me with all the goods that i have.

but you dont tell me what love is.
*****************
things are just crazy right now. no, im not referring to jc life. im coping well with it, alhamdulillah. and im grateful for the mere existence of a JC LIFE, because i can occupy myself so much with it that i go home and just sleep.

i used to be addicted to cutting myself. with a penknife. dont ask me why. the marks are still there, on my forearm and thighs.
but i've long left that habit. i found a new one.
i peel my skin. its disgusting i know
i dont care what YOU think. I KNOW ITS WRONG. i just cant help it.
i do it unknowingly.

you've got to understand how difficult it is for me to do this. to tell the damn bloody whole world what i feel, what i do, what i fear. because i JUST DONT DO IT. no matter how freaking outspoken, crazy, enthusiastic you find me, i dont expose myself to the world blindly. i was brought up to JUST SHUT UP. basically, i was brought up to feel and think that "THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT OF WHAT YOU THINK SMARTASS." so essentially, starting a blog was a big step. for me to be able to let go. why? because you just dont talk to yourself every night to sleep and pretend that people care. because you dont talk to your bolster like its a person. and because you need to do something before you go into depression-mode all over again.

thats why,
i dont write down my itinery for the day. i think that just sucks and bore people to death.
i dont post lyrics/songs on my blog because i think its shit.
i write what i feel, what i believe, and what i justify as right.
i dont intend to rally support or sympathy from people.
i just need an avenue to express myself with words.
because i cant do it verbally.
i wasnt brought up that way.

you see, no matter what i say, no matter what they say,
im not ready for love.
i yearn for it, yes, i envy friends who have significant others as confidantes.
but 'experience' taught me to do otherwise.
perhaps its because i wasnt expose to it earlier on in life.
perhaps i had too much selflessness and lack of confidence while in it.
or perhaps...
oh fcuk.

too much angst. too little love.
what is wrong?
astaghfirullah.
Ya Allah, give me the strength i need, and give me guidance, for you are the One and the Almighty.

dont bother to do anything. dont give me the hope of something nonexistent.