And keep your soul content with those who call on their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Face; and let not your eyes pass beyond them, seeking the pomp and glitter of this Life; nor obey any whose heart We have permitted to neglect the remembrance of Us, one who follows his own desires, whose case has gone beyond all bounds. (Qur'an 18: 28)
Salam.
you know who your real friends are when they've gone through whatever shit you've gone through, together. you know who your real friends are when they stick by you no matter who you are. and you know who your real friends are when they'll pick up your calls at 2-3 in the morning without a single grumble.
but when your real friend is screwed up, what do you do?
do you just accept it as who she is,
or do you try to change her back to something that she's not.
you see, my real friend has been with me through all the shit i've been through. and i mean it. she's seen me throughmy wild, havoc days; she's seen me through my self-injury days; hell, she's even seen me through my suicidal days. days that i look back now and istighfar. astaghfirullah. but dont get me wrong. i dont regret those days, since they were the ones that eventually mould me into who i am today.
my real friend has also been through the shit herself. that's why we're strong. we understand each other. but instead of seeking solace in Islaam, well, lets just say, she'd strayed. damn far. too damn fcuking far.
i've cried for her. i rode with her on the ambulance on the eve of her birthday when she tried to take her life. i've been with her through the craziest of times. i love her.
sometimes, i feel useless as a friend. for not being able to guide her back to the right path. for being silent when she tells me of her conquests. for agreeing with her when she tells me of the joys of the free life. for allowing her to be like so.
my faith is sometimes questioned when im with her and the rest of the girls. wonderful people. but strayed. i'll pray that i wont drift away together with them, into the life that i swore that i'll never have ever again. but sometimes, its just too difficult. not when they're the ones who's true to you.
she accepted me when i changed. she never questioned nor taunted me when i decided to throw away my past and embraced islaam. she respected my decision to wear the hijaab. she tries to protect me. she doesnt allow me to follow her footsteps. she loves me.
but im disappointed in her. truly.
i want the best for her. and its not the way things are now. the life that she's leading now will eventually lead to her demise. is this the way she wants to lead her life? i often question that.
it doesnt help that she has other non-practicing muslim girlfriends, who are also my girls too. so how can she see the difference between embracing islaam and not? its not as if she doesnt know the basics of islam. she does. she even went to religious school once upon a time ago. does it make a difference if i excuse myself to perform my prayers when i go out with them? does it make a difference when i tell them of the joys of embracing islaam? does it make a difference when i tell them of the changes i've experienced since then? or will they just take it lightly? or will they instead look at my constraints without realising that there's a purpose behind it - for my own well being as a muslimah. i dont know. subhanallah. i wish they realise the essence of my being with them.
my friend. i know i should accept you the way you are. but deep within me, i resent the person on the surface of you now. i resent your lifestyle more than anything. i know you're capable of doing so much more. you're always in my prayers. its the weakest thing i could ever do as a muslim, as your friend.
for i pray that one day, He will shine hidayah upon you and the girls. insyAllah.
i know who my real friend is.
if you're reading this, please know that im sorry for not being able to say this to your face.
i love you.
and im always your friend darling.
Salam.
you know who your real friends are when they've gone through whatever shit you've gone through, together. you know who your real friends are when they stick by you no matter who you are. and you know who your real friends are when they'll pick up your calls at 2-3 in the morning without a single grumble.
but when your real friend is screwed up, what do you do?
do you just accept it as who she is,
or do you try to change her back to something that she's not.
you see, my real friend has been with me through all the shit i've been through. and i mean it. she's seen me throughmy wild, havoc days; she's seen me through my self-injury days; hell, she's even seen me through my suicidal days. days that i look back now and istighfar. astaghfirullah. but dont get me wrong. i dont regret those days, since they were the ones that eventually mould me into who i am today.
my real friend has also been through the shit herself. that's why we're strong. we understand each other. but instead of seeking solace in Islaam, well, lets just say, she'd strayed. damn far. too damn fcuking far.
i've cried for her. i rode with her on the ambulance on the eve of her birthday when she tried to take her life. i've been with her through the craziest of times. i love her.
sometimes, i feel useless as a friend. for not being able to guide her back to the right path. for being silent when she tells me of her conquests. for agreeing with her when she tells me of the joys of the free life. for allowing her to be like so.
my faith is sometimes questioned when im with her and the rest of the girls. wonderful people. but strayed. i'll pray that i wont drift away together with them, into the life that i swore that i'll never have ever again. but sometimes, its just too difficult. not when they're the ones who's true to you.
she accepted me when i changed. she never questioned nor taunted me when i decided to throw away my past and embraced islaam. she respected my decision to wear the hijaab. she tries to protect me. she doesnt allow me to follow her footsteps. she loves me.
but im disappointed in her. truly.
i want the best for her. and its not the way things are now. the life that she's leading now will eventually lead to her demise. is this the way she wants to lead her life? i often question that.
it doesnt help that she has other non-practicing muslim girlfriends, who are also my girls too. so how can she see the difference between embracing islaam and not? its not as if she doesnt know the basics of islam. she does. she even went to religious school once upon a time ago. does it make a difference if i excuse myself to perform my prayers when i go out with them? does it make a difference when i tell them of the joys of embracing islaam? does it make a difference when i tell them of the changes i've experienced since then? or will they just take it lightly? or will they instead look at my constraints without realising that there's a purpose behind it - for my own well being as a muslimah. i dont know. subhanallah. i wish they realise the essence of my being with them.
my friend. i know i should accept you the way you are. but deep within me, i resent the person on the surface of you now. i resent your lifestyle more than anything. i know you're capable of doing so much more. you're always in my prayers. its the weakest thing i could ever do as a muslim, as your friend.
for i pray that one day, He will shine hidayah upon you and the girls. insyAllah.
i know who my real friend is.
if you're reading this, please know that im sorry for not being able to say this to your face.
i love you.
and im always your friend darling.
Labels: confessions
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