salams people.
glad to be back.
even though its freaking near to midnight and i have class to attend tomorrow.
not to mention i need to get a piece of poetry done for convo ceremony.
yikes!

ok first thing first, i need to mention something.
after more than a month of, eherm, deprivation, i finally get to meet my dinosaur yesterday for iftar. yes, i finally got him to get out of hibernation mode and steal him for a short while, just so i get to see him and nag at him again. heh. it wasnt planned though. it was after sahur, he called, and we decided to iftar together. and then back to sleep. i guess the whole thing only sank in when i woke up a few hours later...

the venue that we chose was made at the spur of the moment. and from the looks of it, i think he regretted it. no wait. he was uncomfortable being there with me. he didnt admit it though, but if a guy refuse to look at you and instead looks everywhere else, feeling self-conscious, well, i should get the idea right? so yeah, we did bump into some of his friends. funny how he always forgets to do introductions. anyway, i've not gotten to the BIG part yet.

I MET HIS FOLKS.
we detoured from going to al-taqwa mosque for maghrib, to, well, his place. being the ever-conservative female [heh!], he had to drag me to his place. I WASNT READY FOR GOD'S SAKE. it was weird, doing my prayers there. trust me. i was at my very best behaviour. fyi, his mom is in USA, and he never knew his dad, so he's staying with his stepgrandma(his grandpa remarried}. but it was the lady who brought him up, so yeah, it was nervewrecking as hell. but apparently, it was for nothing coz i acknowledge me as just a friend, and yeah, i wasnt the first girl he brought home anyway.

he finally realised that i had to leave or i'll reach home at 11. on the way to the bus stop, talked about him getting a car, his job interview, his future education plans. him. it was nice to finally be able to get him to talk about himself, and not just let him hear me rant on and on about nonsensical stuff when all i want to talk about is something totally different. then i realised something. odd.

I was nowhere in his future plans.

maybe im rushing into things. maybe i didnt hear properly. maybe i'm just someone convenient.

at the bus-stop, waiting
Me: Can i talk with another guy over the phone at night?
Him: Up to you.
Me: Can i go out with another guy? Just the two of us?
Him: As you wish. You know your limits.
Me: Are you going to accompany me home?
Him: Do you want me to?
Me: Its up to you.
Him: Then, no i dont think so. Do you mind if i just see you off from here?
Me: *shrugs*

so, i went home the same way i came. alone. it didnt matter. it didnt matter at all. it would've been nice to see me off at least up till bedok interchange though.

so tell me, am i walking willingly into a pot of boiling soup? or am i threading a thin wire over hot stones?

the lower your expectations, the lesser the pain you feel

so, im just a friend, no?


Love,

Atikah.