Letter to God

Dear God,

i've failed you once again. i've fallen yet again, and i need your help to pick myself up once again. i dont know whats the reason this time, but its probably the same repeating reason. i know i promised to never let it bring me down again, but dear God, i cant keep that promise just yet. it keeps coming back to haunt me. its in my dreams. its in my reality.

Dear God,

please help me wash all the hurt and pain. please kill the being in me who refuse to accept reality, for she's killing me softly. i cant fight this alone, she knows my weaknesses too well. she's bringing out a side of me which i refuse to acknowledge. she's screwing me up inside out, and all my defences are useless. she's gotten past them.

Dear God,

please stop her from creating more fantasies. for it'll kill me when im able to win over her. i'll realise that all of what i lived in was just a dream, a makeup to make me feel better, and i'll feel worst. i know she's just doing whatever she can to help me feel better, but dear God, please tell her that's she's killing me in the long run. i cant banish her from myself, i know she's part of me. but please, ask her to go for hibernation. please tell her to let me live my life as i should. in reality.

Dear God,

i know it's going to be difficult to live alone in reality. but i'd rather get hurt by solely reality, rather than both dream AND reality. i hope after only living in reality, i'll be able to regain myself and be normal. dear God, i've been wanting to cry for so long, but she has been preventing me from doing so. she's been telling me to be strong, so i can be around for others when cry. "is it fair?" she used to tell me. she said that when others cry, they had me to turn to, but what about when i cry? has there been anyone to turn to?

Dear God,

is it wrong for me to want to be selfish? for the past 15 years of my life, i've always placed others ahead of myself. i've always hold on to the fact that i never want my friends to ever experience the pain and shit i had to go through, so i'll do my best to protect them. but is that the right thing to do? isnt that the reason why i never had anyone to turn to except you? im getting sick of this, dear God. i really am.

Dear God,

please help me be strong. i dont want to need to depend on anybody, because i'll know the end result is pain. but can you just let me have someone by my side so that i can feel at the least bit, appreciated. im not asking for someone to love me as much as i love them, i know thats too much to ask for. but dear God, please help me love myself, and someone to be by my side. someone i dont need to lie to so that he'll accept me. someone sincere so that i dont have to humiliate myself by having stupid crushes on men who are mere acquaintances.

Dear God,

if that's too much to ask for, at least provide me with a friend to confide in. im sick of talking to my bolster before sleep, pretending that its someone real. its her fault, you see. she convinced me that that stupid pillow can be changed to anyone i want. and the result, i'll feel worst after realising that its just a stupid pillow that i hug to comfort myself to sleep.

Dear God,
how about you just take away my inferiority complex and my vulnerability and put in place a strong girl who doesnt give a shit about the world. yeah. that'll be nice.

it's getting late. i should go now. i've wasted enough of your time. i'm sorry.

love,
atikah.

i think if im a friend of myself, i'd be so damn fcuking irritated at me.

i'm sorry guys. maybe i'm trying too hard to deny reality and embrace fantasy. its these things that keeps me moving on. its a bad habit that's too difficult to let go. this was the one thing that i held on to during those years when i felt like letting go. that somewhere, somehow, life was a much better place, where i could be my own director, and create my own characters and storyline.

of course, i will realise that it was all a fantasy, and i'll end up feeling much worst for being so stupid to believe such a lie. but, bad habits die hard darling.

pardon me while i continue living in dreamland for the time being. but please, someone, please rope me back to reality when you see me drifting too far into dangerzone.

which means,

right about now.

this is the full strength of the group of great people that went to terengganu/kelantan.

the trip had many bad points, admittedly. but that was definitely expected. very expected. enough said. so the LONG bus rides and waits in the bus that might have caused us to actually freeze there and then, are forgiven. why? because of the great fun that was provided throughout the whole trip.

the fact that the trip gave us, downright spoilt brats known as singaporeans, an insight of how other people actually live life, was worth everything. the people there were happy with life, and grateful for every little thing that passes by, even our mere presence. the thing that probably would just be eradicated from our minds a few years down the road, have actually meant a great deal to these people. they welcomed us with open arms, and offer us the most that they can offer. and i really mean the most, for i dont think they actually have that big a meal every single day. i guess what touched me the most was their sincerity in accepting us as their fellow muslims and not anything more.

the trip had definitely made me think about how we actually live our life. here, we have all the modern facilities and alhamdulillah, the best of what today has to offer, and yet, how come there never exists a sense of gratitude and satisfaction. we're always wanting more, more, better. of course, its good if we want to constantly aim for something higher, but in the process, we forget our real aim in life and end up just running after the material aspects of life. its something worth to ponder.



one such example is the maahad darul quran. its synonym to our madrasah. the place is quite rundown, and in the words of aidil "BURUKNYA!" yes trust him to be so direct. yes, it was, especially the guy's dorm. the rest was quite ok, but its light years away from our school buildings' standard. their library is to us - a reference section. its not a place where you go and read books for leisure, or find girlfriends/boyfriends. even their hall is not well-to-do, but masyAllah, their welcome was enough. they really made do with whatever they have, and even drew a fantastic design on the blackboard to welcome us. Syukran darlings.

how is it that they who have so little, yet be so happy; but they who have nearly everything, always succumb to depression?

all the stress and hurt i felt right before the trip was forgotten. it was perfectly replaced by sweet, sweet memories and loads of laughter and mischief. this is a trip that, insyAllah i will remember for a VERY long time.

and now, a controversial picture. thank god this blog isnt widely known! this is being put up for fun ok! jangan marah... heh. =)



oh wait. what's so bad about this picture? hmmm. heh. these are some of the people that made this trip possible, and the other 3 are masjid darul makmur's imam tarawih. jauh nah, dari kelantan!

ps: thanks syahril for the pictures!

so yes, the trip was - interesting. especially with all the weird people that came with it. heh. my camera went bonkers during the trip, [hinting that i should get a new one!] so these are the few pictures that i managed to snap. the rest will be coming soon via email, i hope. heh.

anyway, let me first introduce the tour leader. he who is hopeless at malay public speaking [we're in malaysia, hello??] and is the chief for mischief and crazyness throughout the tour. we had the 4 musketeers you know, but i wasnt able to snap their photo. THEY ARE THE BEST! boleh ketawa macam nak rak, tapi satu2 penakut gila. haha.



so anyway, you can say the whole trip was quite a mess. why? for the whole trip, nothing went according to schedule. NOTHING. we even had to wait more than an hour at the msian secondlink checkpoint coz our bus broke down! we only moved off, at about 1.30 in the morning. and to top it off, our tour guide was still ranting on and on when all we wanted to do was SLEEP!



yes, throughout the trip, of course, i was fated to be with these 2 wonderful/crazy/dramamamas girls.. we did practically everything together, well except bathing. we were allocated the same family for the homestay, we shared the same room at the resort, we shopped together etc..

and yes, let me introduce the fun aspect of the tour. the people. you see, when the girls are away...



the boys go out to play!


went to some of the beautiful places found there, namely the waterfall and 'the floating mosque'. well, the mosque isn't exactly floating, but the reflection of the surrounding water [its built on a pond], causes it to be nicknamed as such. its made up of pure white marble, which can no longer be found anywhere on earth. one word - WOW.


well, i actually have much more to say regarding this trip, much much more. but right now, im so damn hungry, so i better fix myself some food. i'll be back with more stories to tell!

just came back from my terengganu/kelantan edu trip. timing totally lari beb!

two words to describe. FUN GEDEMAK!

will relate the whole experience when im fresher. 15 hours on the road beb. my back hurtssss!

special things to take note of:
1) homestay
2) waterfall!
3) falling for the unlikeliest person - period!

lalalala~ i am one happy girl.

at least for now.

heh. see you soon!

Funny when adults told you to dream, they never said that dreams could kill. Funny when they said that your family will be the ones that loves you the most, they forgot to say that they'll be the ones that'll hurt you the most. Funny how they never prepare you for the future, happily assuming that you'll learn it on your own. Funny how they never realised that you've absorbed so many things subconsciously as a child, especially the reasons to run away from the truth.

Funny how vulnerable you get when you're sick. All your defences come crashing down, no matter how strongly cemented they were before.

It's a funny world isn't it?

Oh fuck.

this is what u will always see strewn all over the table should you ever follow my family anywhere to travel.. heh. yes, my maiden trip to batam resulted in a food extravaganza.. like that's anything new.. hehe..

so yes, i've finally braved the ocean to reach the land of pakcik2 gatal nak habeskan duit CPF batam island. overall impression? ok i guess, but not really worth all the hoohaa over it. well except for the blardy cheap things on sale, but hey, that's something to expect isn't it? the things in singapore are so blardy expensive! yes, and due to that, i nearly went crazy shopping. [note: nearly] it wasnt fun shopping there, nothing much for me. well, except for food. and i went with a group of makcik-s, what else would you expect except them spending their time on practical stuff like food and household items? so get the picture? and the trip just reminds me of the used-to-be-daily trips to parts of johore.



and yes, did i mention the food? heh. of course i did. every stop we took, my aunt, mum, and grandma will definitely head for wherever the food is. yes. and being the sole girl in the family, they didnt allow me to get out of sight, meaning, i had to tag along, even if i caught sight of a shop with helluva lots of bags which i desperately itch to buy. so yes. we went to eat. a lot of times. well, they're mostly snacks. and oooh. the ice cream there is so damn cheap. argh. so not good for my hips! haha. like i care. anyway, being the ever so jakun me, i was in for quite a suprise when we dined at KFC Batam Centre. You see, if you actually get to see the picture above, they actually have RICE there, instead of buns; and bagedil{fried potato thingy - heh!) instead of coleslaw and mashed potatos. lalala. i had fun eating there, so the malay you know.. heh.


oh and i think my mum realised that i was getting bored following them to all the hypermarkets and such, and she gave me a pleasant suprise.. definitely. why? coz she bought for me a tabloid newspaper. why the hell would i be excited over that? look at the picture below and what do you see...?



yes, Yes, YES!! if you refer to my previous post, you will know that i have developed an ultimate infatuation for this hot hot hot guy. and guess what, the tabloid came with a huge poster size picture of him - its supposed to be a calendar, but it has his blown up picture, so who cares? and of course i blushed when my aunt teased me about liking a korean guy. hey, he's hot ok! and from what i've read from other sources, he's a very straight guy who's morally upright and the oh-so-romantic guy.. see, i dont base my liking solely on looks ok! *swooons* can i have him, or at least someone like him, please please please.. i promise to be good...

anyway,

one good thing though, this trip brought me back to reality. usually, my family will go on holidays to the well-to-do places, and we get to see people living the high life or at least comfortable ones, so this time, when i got to see the people's living conditions there, my heart took a turn and sympathises. thank you Allah for giving me such a fortunate life. Amen.

psst: i was a good girl. only bought this few stuff... see i promised you.. so can i get someone like him please...



oh yeah, better go catch world cup kick off. the opening ceremony was great! weeee.

i've found myself a new love. who cares about the corrupted policeman or thriving medic..? hello.. why suffer heartache over them when i can continue to fall head over heels with him?? ladeeda..
thanx to dearest junyi, who told me to watch channel u, i have found a hot hot hot guy. and thank god there were english subtitles! buuuut, what was waaaaay better was, after my mum realised that the show was coming to an end on channel u, she bought for me the vcd collection for "Little Bride"! woooohooo.




and the result? im constantly stuck in front of the tv watching the show, vcd after vcd. and my brothers are starting to complain. you see, there's 16 cds in the collection, and i watch approximately 2 cds per day, which means 2 hours of their precious cartoon time is being eaten up by a drama serial acted out in a language nobody in the household understands. but who cares? they can go on and play their playstation, and i can feed my addiction with more lee dong gun! yes, the school holidays have brought about an evil side in me..


hey its not my fault i go weak in the knees for guys in suits and tie! [HOTTT]


oh damn. i have to get ready for the band's bbq now. ooh, and yesterday 4p4 had their FIRST CLASS OUTING at sentosa. and the response was great! worth our time cramming our heads to plan for the event..

one last note..
I LOVE 4P4! oh and yeah, korean hunks too. heh.

the event on its own was - acceptable. the only time i cringed in disgust was when they were around. the rest? i was having fun, believe it or not. thanks to the great family members that came from malacca. i actually love you guys. for making the event bearable.

the mak andam sucked. the bride looked kinda horrible, old and haggard. takder seri pengantin langsung. urgh. suprise suprise


Ya ALLAH
Jika dia benar untukku
Dekatkanlah hatinya dengan hatiku
Jika dia bukan milikku
Damaikanlah hatiku
Dengan ketentuan-Mu

Tidak sekali dinodai nafsu
Akan kubatasi dengan syariat-Mu
Jika dirinya bukan untukku
Redha hatiku dengan ketentuan-Mu

i miss you. thanks for giving me hope baby, for its better than having none at all. give me a reason.