adieu 2005

gosh, 2006 is less than 25 hours away. 2005 has passed me without even short of a glance back. the thing is, am i ready?

2005 has been, as usual, a hell of a rollercoaster ride. though this rollercoaster proved to have the most twists and turns as compared to the past few, and i certainly think that it will get more twisted as the years pass. talk about technology upbuilding.

in some ways, i doubt 2005 will be a year that i will forget so soon.
-first bahas competition
-BH script-writing bengkel [first meeting with kak gee and apit =D]
-OBS
yes, the highlights of my year.

2005 has also been a year whereby a lot of skeletons have been dragged out of the closet. angst, pain, guilt has been experienced throughout the year. many incidents which i would hate to remember, but will be forever etched in the diaries of my life. i just thank god that i didnt slip into depression again, for that will be the worst agenda ever. once is definitely enough. fortunately, i have gotten back to seeking solace from the Almighty, and that has definitely been one of the wisest choice that i have taken in my life. and also my nightly walks in the rain and the solo hikes. next year holds events that i most certainly am not looking forward to, but hey, that's life. i got to face up to it.

and i would absolutely love next year to contain more highlights such as
-Gold medal for Band comp
-7/8 distinctions for '0' levels
well, one could say that these are my 2 targets for next year. and i have to work my freaking ass off to achieve it. my ultimate push. for now, as it is, i have to put it more effort and determination for these 2. focus, focus, and insyAllah, i will achieve it.

one might notice that i lack in the social department in terms of new year resolution. for now, i have to set my priorities straight. relationships/friendships can come in later, though i would definitely want to keep certain people close and dear to me such as kak gee and shirin. the two of you have been there for me throughout this year, when i needed someone most. i never knew i could love a friend so much, thanks to my 'fcuk-with-friends' attitude. thanks to the both of you, i have realised that i am, afterall human, and need to have friends that i can both trust and hold. i cant say that i would regret losing my other friends or acquaintances as one might put it, but should i lose the both of you, then that will be my greatest regret.


to Shirin and Nur Hajijah[Kak Gee],
i love you guys






















And when heartache takes control, i curse felicity; there have been too many days taken for its stroll into my heart. So, warm sunshine, you may kiss me good morning, but always, i am busy slipping a note through thoughts saying, "Dear happiness, i've been waiting far too long." Forgive me for failing to notice your attempts to make me smile.

Life may seem bleak- dreams darkened, fantasies fall into mist-covered clutches. But happiness, doesn't stop here.


so ready or not, 2006 here i come! and shir, yes, the optimistic-to-fcuk-with-the-world atikah is back!

i want need to knock my head onto a wall that has loads of bulging bricks. the more, the merrier. no wait, i should knock your head instead. that'll make me feel better. probably.

i.will.be.fine.

freaking migraines are back. gosh, maybe i should stick some kind of drug into my system so i'll get high. bullshitlah. i really need a head-trashing. im talking mighty crap nowadays. gaaaah. i need to clear my period so i can pray again. im going crazy without my daily dose of peace.

i.will.be.fine.

i hate myself for hating you. no i hate you for letting me hate you. hatred is very bad. now, i cant disillusion myself anymore. coz i'll end up hating you more after that. for forcing me to slip into fantasy so that i'll be able to survive reality.

i.will.be.fine.

im not fit to love. i dont think im even in a condition to love. how can i miss something that i've never gotten? hugs and comfort are strangers to me. i'll forever be in this icy stage. will it ever melt to eventually let me open up? open up to someone that i've been yearning for? fcuk. why the hellw ould i be yearning for someone?

im not fit to love remember?

blame this freak post to the fact that its 2 plus in the morning and i've just realised my foolishness. i dont deserve anyone

horlick milo kopi teh..

i have been robbed of my life, thanx to band. yes for the past week, my life resolved totally around band. had band prac from 7.45 till 5.30 in the afternoon for 5 days, though i din go on monday... how liddat? can die i tell you. and damn, im fighting my place with a freaking irritating guy. gosh, if he gets that place, i am gonna bawl my eyes out and be anti-band for the rest of my life. freak. come for the practices even when im sick, and if i dont get it... i am gonna kill him. blah.

anyway, managed to watch some of my friends in action at theatre kami blackbox yesterday. was worth my time, effort and energy. i had to rush from band, back home, bath and change and run to the blackbox in the rain. i can only imagine how i looked when i finally arrived there, drenched. and what more, the show had already started. imagine, i was so damn tired, my legs felt like jelly and the show had already started. luckily the people there were great. gosh i love them! they especially took a chair for me to sit by the door since there were no seats left. luckily, it was a great angle to be sitting at. i saw everything. though i took the first 5 minutes to eventually focus on the show as my mind was not functioning properly. gosh i nearly dozed off!

but how can i sleep when the show was great?! in my opinion, they did a much better job on this as compared to kelab dangdut. it was very entertaining, light, and they really interacted with the audience, getting them to be very interested in the show. and their ending was not disappointing, which was definitely a plus point! and their coordination with one another and the video was very well constructed. and what was great was they played around with the audiences' emotions.

for those that were looking for a very in-depth performance, i guess they were disappointed cause it was just for entertainment. heh. kak gee, the sm told me not to expect too much thinking and just a lot of fun. so that was what i got. and i was thankful for that, viewing the fact that i was very much not in a state to sit and think.


overall, a thumbs up to all those that performed in hmkt. especially haz, apit and den. brilliant acting skills. not to forget the live accoustic version of peterpan's semua tentang kita.

note: this entry contains explicit comments. please dont jump to conclusions. you dont know me, so dont even try. this is about me, myself and i. respect the fact that this is my blog, and you dont have any right to judge me just by reading it. the contents of this entry should not be used against me in any way. respect that. hell, i never wanted any of my schoolmates to ever find out about this blog, so if you do, shut up about it.

freaking rollercoaster ride for these past few days. i think i even concussed a couple of times. gosh, luckily i didnt slip out of the seat like those two poor girls. damn. i better dont get imsonia.

i cant believe that the past my past could affect me so much. even without me realising it. fcuk. for more than half a decade i have tried to bury it. vanguish it if i can. but now, it seems as if the earth that i buried it in is vomitting all its contents without acknowledging the situation im in. how can something minor in my life currently, trigger something so major to erupt? why add fuel to fire? isnt it enough that my life is filled by people who have no conscience and no regards to the people around them?

i swear to ALLAH. i never wanted to bring this up ever again. i never wanted to remember it. not now. not ever. but your actions shovelled everything up. have you no conscience? have you no feelings? fcuk you. you're supposed to protect me, not throw me into the depths of hell. all these years, never once did you show an ounce of regret. never once have you acknowledged what you have done. leaving me completely hopeless.

because of you, i have been punishing myself unknowingly. till today. because of you i hated myself. fcuk. why did you think i was so rebellious once. why did you think i shut down back then? because of you, i can never trust anyone. because of you, i was never in a relationship. i never realised that all this came from one source, you.

day in, day out, i used to cry. i never could reach out to anyone, to tell them to hold me, to reassure me that everything would turn out fine. fcuk. i couldnt even trust my family.

why did you think i matured so fast?

did i have a choice? you forced me to leave behind my childhood long before i even should. because of you, i was unable to enjoy life as a child. i knew i had to grow up. either that, or sink deeper into depression. never once did you consider how i was. when i see my friends laughing and not having a care in the world, i would feel so damn envious. i wanted to be like them. yet, they wanted to be like me. the all grown up kakak-kakak. fcuk. im supposed to be younger than most of them!

now, you made a decision that's causing a fcuking stir in the family. all you know is what you want. dont you remember your responsibilities? grow up. i dont want your apology. i want you to finally take responsibility. look around. life isnt a bed of roses. dont expect yourself to always be on a silver platter.

fcuk you. i hate you, but i have to see you for the rest of my life.

its time for you to grow up boy.

Me? A Teacher? heh.

i was doing some thinking the other day. about my future. [yes, i think alot] so there i was, lying on my comfy bed, [yes mom! im actually doing something very productive!] and i realised that the prospect of becoming a JC TEACHER is actually quite viable. heh. yes, out of all occupations, a teacher. blah. that has been one profession that i have ruled out of my list, since, since, it actually crossed my mind to think of what i want to be in the future.

teacher? stressed lah!

heh. yeah. stressed right? can i get an answer from all the teachers out there?

well, that was what i observed from most of my teachers. both primary and secondary schools. although i have never been in a mischievious class, i know how it feels like. from the very fact that my teachers would be, unknowingly complaining to me and confiding in me about how they feel after teaching such a class. in primary school, it could be partly due to the fact that i loved to hang around the teachers' room/lounge, helping out whatever i could. heh. it was due to this that i was called a 'teachers' pet'. which i would like to clarify, i am NOT. i just favoured the air-conditioned room rather than the canteen when all the bitching and gossiping happens. never underestimate the workings of young minds. especially now! and in secondary school, well, i naturally got along with them, much better as compared to my peers. there are very much more open to me and we're able to express both our views well and able to accept each other's opinion. that's when you realise that teachers are human beings too. and in an institution where alot more bitching, backstabbing, gossiping and eye-rolling happens among the students, i very much prefer to be able to talk with the teachers in a more mature and dignified manner. well, i guess that was what earned me the reputation once again. *rolls eyes*

so, ever since, i've been trying to look for a profession that will suit well with two of my best qualities - malay studies and communications. so lo and behold, came a whole list of jobs that i was able to do. mostly in the media field and corporate world. which up till now, i have been quite fascinated with, until i decided that i never want to be stuck with a 9 to 5 job routine, stuck to a desk, doing things that will probably bore me to death. and the fact that the media are recruiting too many people nowadays, making it too common. i mean, you dont have to have a degree to be in the media field. so whats the point of studying day and night to end up with such a job right?

sooooo. it struck me. why not be a teacher. not just any teacher. a jc teacher or a lecturer! i dont have to be stuck with little kids which i know i have not much patience with when it comes to teaching, or a bunch of rowdy kids in secondary school who are very much not sure of what they want in life. the idea got more and more interesting. and you need to have a degree to be a teacher. what more a jc teacher or lecturer! i can finally study towards my goal! and the people i will be dealing with would have a higher level of thinking, and i can very much relate to that. even at this age currently!

malay teachers are in quite a demand here now. and gosh, it doesnt matter about the pay. i can finally share my passion of malay with the younger generation! how cool is that?!?! i'll be playing in part in conserving the malay language from being gone from the face of the earth! *suddenly feeling good*

so what about stress, right? its healthy! thats what that keeps me up and running. yes, if you know me, you will perfectly understand that i am very much pressure-driven. the more pressure i put on myself, the better i do. if not, confirmed slacker! and i bet it'll be more stressed competing with all that people who wants to be in the media field. and i think my grandfater [retired teaceher], would be very proud of me. heh. he's been 'promoting' the teacher profession ever since i was in p5, when he saw me making a list of occupations i wanted to be. apparently, he saw that i cancelled 'teacher'!

so i guess i have to take out the correction liquid and erase that line mark that i made against being a teacher!

so in ten years time, you could probably here my student piping this early in the morning.....

Good morning, Miss/Mdm Atikah!

this is exactly what you will see if you ever bring me into a book store. especially if its BADAN BOOKSTORE in Angsana Plaza which could be found in our neighbouring country.

i definitely believe that i went way over my mum's budget this time. but hey, what can you expect from an avid reader? i dont really favour borrowing books from the library. well maybe its because i dont think i can in the first place. bummer. my library fines are still left unpaid. i think.

Dewan Bahasa and Dewan Sastera are two compulsory infomags that i have to buy every month. these are the only two magazines that can manage to quench my thirst for knowledge, in malay language. well, both of these mags very much are on malay-related topics, ie the title. [Bahasa = Language, Sastera = Literature]. heh. so you can say i am all and out a Sastera student. My teacher will be proud! heh.

finally managed to find a copy of Seorang Tua di Kaki Gunung by Azizi Hj Abdullah. have been on the search for it ever since i completed reading a book by the author. it is supposedly claimed to be his best work above all, so i am definitely looking forward to reading that book. eventually. must finish my hwk first!

went hiking at macritchie just now. was very tiring but definitely worth it. the view was WOW! thanx guys for inviting me along!

met at cck interchange at 9. as usual, ZAKI WAS LATE. switched buses. wrong bus actually. had to walk back to take the correct one. blah.

arrived and the boys changed. halim actually stripped at the bus stop! my oh my! luckily he wasnt arrested for indecent behaviour! after much controversy about tins of hundred plus, started on our hiking.

idiotic guys holding on to camera --- idiotic pictures. thats faris walking like some... something. hilarious!

walked and walked and walked. until we reached the tree top trail. magnificent view! we were jumping up and down the trail. gosh. luckily we werent scolded by the family behind us.

faris is extremely scared of caterpillars and other creepy crawlies! and when you're in the forest, with loads of them, and a bunch of friends that definitely have no mercy, what do you expect?!!

after we got our of the forest track, went to look at turtles. at least we looked. FARIS WAS FREAKING SADISTIC. he kept kicking the poor turtles and threw shrubs at them. and he said he was playing with them. baik ar faris......... behind girls, he is a very different man.

the track back was very much interesting. talked shit with the boys. see, i told you its much nicer going out with the boys. no reservations. and they were ogling at a chinese girl who was with her angmoh boyfriend. hah. played stupid sentences games. you. would. not. want. to. know. what. idiotic. things. we. made. up. gays and prostitutes?!?!

blah. shagged to the core now. even after sleeping for 5 hours. will update again soon. more pictures here .

the outing with the boys was great. ate lunch at hajjah maimunah after their friday prayers. gosh we were lucky that i booked seats earlier. the place was damn packed. like what do you expect anyway? and wandi cried! boohoo. heh. the lemak cili padi was too much for him and he teared. awwww. well, hisham and i were also on the verge of giving up. it was damn hot and spicy! hisham couldnt even finish his meal. and boy, can they drink. nearly all of them had 2 to 3 tins of drinks each, and its only for one meal! baaah. and we thought they were so tough. not!

so after lunch we went to bugis to buy movie tickets to watch saw2, but the timeslot was a tad bit too late so they decided to go to suntec instead. but when we got there, things started to go wrong. well, for one thing, SAW2 is NC16, and if you probably hadnt noticed, we still have a year to go before qualifying for entrance. damn. the boys were contemplating to take the risk. i mean, we do look 16, well, except for some of us anyway. hisham is older than me but heck, i look older than him. hah. but then again, compare him to fatt anyday and you'll reconsider.


and so we stood around, thinking hard, considering whether the risk was worth taking. isa and faris even talked to the guy selling the tickets, and well, the reply that we got was alright, as he said that they would probably only check those that does not look 16, which makes it risky for hisham. hahaha. sorry hisham. syamil even went to ask the guy checking the tickets, asking whether it was possible to accept someone who is only one month away from being 16 into the theatre. and the reply was a stern NO. hah. so much for trying. sooo, the boys ended up doing this.

yes, they played in the arcade.

meanwhile, faris, isa, syamil and yours truly, went and did some window shopping! went mostly to the 'boys' shops. i mean, you cant expect me to drag them to some girly shop right? jatuh saham nanti! and did anybody realise that, faris is damn materialistic! tsk tsk. suay ar kalau jadi gf dia. blah. and he's not even earning his own money yet! hah. and while waiting for them to finish browsing in the fila shop, i saw a dancing santa! soo cute!


and due to us being separated, we [ie the shopping gang] played a stupid prank on the arcade gang. we were continuously misleading them on our actual location. while we were happily enjoying our drinks at starbucks, they were looking for us all over the place. very nice. it did take them some time to eventually realise that we were lying. slow lah deh! after finally relenting and giving them the chance to finally catch up, they decided to go bowling. which i know nuts about. though it would have been nice to humiliate myself together with them, had a call from mum to go home, she wanted to go to my grandmother's place, but changed her mind when i reached home.

gaaaah. there's so much hoohaa over my @#@#^&%^ uncle's upcoming wedding. my uncle's an idiot. doesnt he realise that its causing alot of difficulties for the family? i mean, for goodness sake, he doesnt even have enough savings for his own wedding. and the family isnt even well-to-do in the first place. how to manage financially? blah, and i dont like him. for some stupid reasons. gosh, some people just have no brains. nor conscience.

anyway, going out again tomorrow. should be fun. chee meng will be there! heh. he was mr goh before, my englishliterature/cme teacher in sec 1 & 2. his presence promises mighty fun! yeay! and sunday will be a day filled with sweat, cursing, aches and laughter. make a guess? heh. i'll tell you soon enough.

as for now, thank god i finally have a life.

i've decided to cool down. no more depressing entries. i will keep my promise. it is the holidays after all.

had our first gpa meeting just now. quite productive i must say. especially for a group of people who has short attention span. hah. the whole bunch of us were crapping and laughing our heads off outside mcdonalds. but things were done according to plan. gosh. i need to make a schedule, or it'll be too late.

going out with the boys tomoro. 7 boys 1 girl. niiiice. heh. confirm best gila punya.

i should learn to fully utilise my camera. its hardly been used. lazy siot.

in a few more hours, 3 of my fellow friends will be entering ns life over at tekong. had a gathering the other night to bid them farewell. heh. was quite sadistic, the whole night. well, two years of dedicating your life to serve the country isnt that bad isnt it? hah. says the girl, who apparently does not have to serve ns. too bad i cant go to tekong together with them. should be nice if i could. =)

anyway, its 2 in the morning right now. i should sleep. rite? yeah. maybe in 2 hrs. blah.