been sick for a week now. how great.

i didnt even sit for my english paper 2 and physics practical this morning. my body just wasnt able to take it from the start. i swear, i just wanted to lay there for the rest of the morning, but i had to drag myself out of bed to wake my brothers up. hey, i even took a shower, while contemplating whether or not i should go to school and just sit for the damn paper. but heck, decided not to in fear that i'll screw both papers up. so saw my brothers off at the door [yes they're big enough for them to go to school alone] and went straight back to bed after that. which is a bad move, since my hair was still wet, so i woke up sneezing like mad. urgh. was dragged to the doctor by my grandma, coz the flu was taking too damn long to recover. and i needed the mc anyway.

spent the whole day lazing. WHOLE DAY. wootz. and yesterday was a holiday too, since bpghs was made a nomination centre. so yeah, i have a LOOOOOONG weekend. lucky me! hahaha. but the freaking thing is now, i've yet to start studying. ergh. i did try you know, just that i ended up having a staring match with the books and papers, so i gave up halfway to watch nasyid mtv-karaoke. *rolls eyes*


*************

how do you eradicate all the hatred that has accumulated for nearly a decade? how do you eliminate the pain and hurt? will there ever be a definite answer, or will i be faced with yet another uncertainty that will continue to haunt the tainted heart filled with tears of frantic.

i will let the previous post remain, to remind me of the fcuking things that happened. i dont think i will ever be able to forget it. i still hate you you you you you and you. THANKS TO YOU PEOPLE, I'VE LEARNT HOW TO HATE.

great. the one thing that i need now. whatever.

i fcuking feel like killing them.

one by one.

i dont give a shit anymore. fcuk all of them.

bastards and bitches. who needs them anyway?

i hate you i hate you i hate you.

fcuk. now my life is filled with immense hatred. for people that im supposed to love. oh fuck shit. i dont give a damn anymore.

im not going to cry just because of you people. pure waste of tears.

fcuk lah.

i dont need this.

not now.

its been 2.5 days since my parents left for saudi to perform their umrah.

i've learnt a few lessons throughout these 2.5 days, and will definitely learn more as the days pass. one - i have 2 sensitive brothers who express their emotions differently. the younger one, A, is so damn emotional that he cried at the airport and at home. the youngest one, H, is the cool, controlled one, who acted as if nothing happened. I was touched when that night, A did his maghrib prayers in my dad's prayer shirt. I didnt say anything, but i knew he missed them. H, on the other hand, has become so damn stubborn and irritating. Mental torture, definitely. he deliberately messed up his toys, leaving his toy cars laying all over the house and screwed up his maths homework yesterday. i was trying so damn hard to not knock him on the head or scold him upside down. i was already pissed because i was stuck at a blardy amaths question, and there he was, screwing his multiplication table. i swear i had take deep breaths and selawat alot to control myself.

honestly, being left to care for the household is one tough job. seriously. NOW, i understand what the hell my mom does when we're at school. gosh. its only been 2.5 days and i've already felt the impact. laundry needs to be done, rooms needs to be cleaned, plants needs watering etc etc. luckily i have A who helps me out with the dishes and also the plant watering. he is actually quite helpful when he wants to. i've yet to cook for them, since my grandma has been cooking for us, so yeah, they're safe from any food contamination or what not. hahaha. but, hey, i can cook ok! i have my schoolmates to justify for that. heh.

speaking of which, i think i've become a mak nenek. so naggy. hahaha. and i will always nag and nag and remind my brothers what they have to do when im not at home that even shafiqah called me that after i finished telling A what to do until i come home from band. heh. im not a mak nenek ok! im just a responsible sister. hahaha. oh and in her words too,

"Atikah, kau dah ready nak jadi mak ar!
loosely translated : Atikah, you're ready for motherhood ar!

hahaha. yeah~~

anyway, did you know?

TOMORROW IS THE BAND COMPETITION DAY!!!!

yes, all the hard work, sweat, tears, etc etc will finally come to an end. tomorrow is the time to give the ultimate best and prove to everyone that BPBAND IS A GOLD BAND! wooohoo~
gosh, i never thought i would ever be this enthusiastic about band. heh. yeah.

soooooooo, now i better go prepare my band uniform for tomorrow.

oh and yeah, do the laundry.

i've lost touch with reality. been living off dreams and hopes all this while.

i dont understand myself anymore.

i cant wait for this to end. so i can breathe again.

i've fallen for you. yes, i admit it. even though i dont want to. its weird. its awkward. its painful. i cant say it out. coz you're my best friend. and i dont want to ruin the friendship that we have.

up till now, i can never commit in a relationship. maybe im scared. or maybe im just turned off by the fact that it'll probably never last and just cause me useless heartache. yes, im pessimistic. i've every right to be. at least im not disillusionised or as stupid as the others who thinks that i-love-this-guy-so-much-we'll-definitely-last-up-till-marriage. yeah right. if you're the lucky few. what the f.

but im human anyway. i do have feelings. and just-so-happened that i fell for you. yes. i've been in denial for too long. argh.

i hate this.

this place isnt safe anymore.

i have my doubts when it comes to pouring everything out here.

more and more people are finding out about this domain of mine. even though i've asked some people to get rind of my link from their blogs. especially if they're bpians.

there's a reason why i dont publicise my blog.

i dont want to live every single day, living with the fact that every single person i know, knows whatever shit is happening in my life and such. it sux. no privace whatsoever. urgh. others - i can handle, but not people i face every single day.

there's so many things i wanna say. so many things i want to express. my frustration. anger. lust. love. whatever. but i find myself so damn restricted. should i find myself a new domain? again? this constant running is so not for me.

*******

how come the topic that i DREAD the most is getting so much media attention? the one topic that i keep running away from. the one thing that i refuse to face up to. just now, i was watching the news, and after the news was detik. my initial intention was to watch it, but i immediately switched it off.

what the fuck.

i cant keep running away.

but its either i'll be selfish, or i'll save the bond.

blardy fuck.

i never hated someone so much in my life. ever.

i need to let go.

i need to tell someone.

god please give me a friend.

the nervousness, the heartwrenching, the anticipation, the exhilaration.

yes, everything was felt on that day.

the thrill of being on stage and yakking away with one of your talking buddies - just that its a competition then - was great.

there were quite a few glitches when it came to our turn until it was thought that someone was trying to sabo us but it was okay i guess. we carried ourselves well and with maturity, and that was what gave us the advantage and clinched the 3rd placing.

there was a point of time during the competition that nadirah and i damn nearly cussed our ass off - and nearly got heart attacks - when our improptu turn was over. the two of us went to the toilet to relieve ourselves, and when we went out, there were 2 girls from [insert school's name] that sort of congratulated us BUT said that it was too bad. coz why? why? we talked out of topic

WHAT THE F?!?!?!?!?

who in the right mind would talk OUT OF TOPIC. sooooo, we asked them, what topic was shown on the screen, and *takes deep breath*

REMAJA HARI INI KURANG MENGENALI MAKANAN TRADISIONAL.

but.......

on the slip of paper that they gave us was,

REMAJA HARI INI KURANG MENGENALI MAKANAN RINGAN.

imagine the SHOCK that we felt. i swear i could see the drastic change of nadirah's facial expression!

so of course, we being the ever-so-demanding people, went straight to the ri boys and ASKED for an explanation. apparently, they noticed the mistake and told the judges - ok fine - so we were safe. but the thing was, it WASNT ANNOUNCED TO THE AUDIENCE

so the thing was, the audience really thought that we talked out of topic. and of course, there were people talking when we were announced as third place winners. .

so yes. until now. our credibility as third place winners are still being questioned. thanx to them. oh well, at least we know we deserved it.


alhamdulillah. my wish has been granted. thank you Allah SWT for giving me this chance for redemption. amin~

17 more days to my parents departure for umrah

20 days to band comp

2 1/2 months to HIS wedding

7 months to 'o' levels

is it just me?
or is everything happening at a blardy fast rate.

i need time to breathe.

god help me.

i need a friend.

not an acquaintance.

please stop me from going into the "fcuk-with-people-who-says-they're-my-friends-but-are-not" phase.

i dont need it.

i'll do this alone. if it was meant to be. but please help me lighten this load.

please help me act my age.

i dont want to run away from responsibility. i strive in it. but please god, give me a friend to turn to.

you can do it atikah! you always have!