i dreamt about us last night.

you were with your friends, and i was with mine.

we were going opposite ways, but clearly saw the other. she walked to you and greeted, just like a friend should. you chate for awhile, before she left to board the train with me, in the opposite direction.

with no more than a mere smile and a nod of the head, we acknowledged each other. and continued going separate ways.

my heart ached for you in the dream. regret for not taking the initiative to reach out to you and say a simple hi, instead of pretending our friendship never existed.

but wait, it was artificial in the first place wasnt it?

i woke up and cried.

because of a dream so true to reality.

i miss you bro.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

being idealistic had never been a good thing for me. i think too much and end up getting myself all stressed up over the little-est and stupid-est of things. it was never meant to be like that. maybe i just have too high an expectation for the things in life, and to make things worst, its as if im the only person who does! it was never easy, but i still made it through.

maybe it was the drastic change of perspective that i went through. the person that i am today, and the person that i was 3-4 years ago, are eons apart. its a blessing, alhamdulillah. that's undeniable. but there are times, god forbid, when i'll wish that i was back to the old me - with the heck care fcuk-with-the-world attitude. all these never seemed to matter back then. now, they're causing me to lose my sleep, and at times, my friends.

yes. i am idealistic. about everything. how friendships should be. how humans should behave in accordance to the situation. how things should be done. i dont mean conventional. nope not at all. but at least there should be a structure. a limit. a guideline. and most of all, a common understanding.

it hurts when it seems as if im the only person who feels that way. it hurts to be left out. most of all, it hurts when nothing's done after having it voiced out.

i gracefully accept the fact that i can never turn back time and regain my childhood. i accept that im different from the rest. i accept the fact that my way of thinking and perspective in life is way older than my supposed age. i never regretted being forcefully thrown out of childhood. its ok. i believe it all happened for a reason.

but nobody said it was easy. especially when you're alone.

you see, the more you expect out of something, the more pain you conceive. alone.

fcuk. stop being melancholic!

note:long entry ahead

yes, i took some time off the computer/internet to give way to my dear siblings. unfortunately, well for me at least, they're growing up to be more *cough* abang-abang, which means they need to socialise more, hence the increasing time spent on the internet, or more specifically, MSN.

luckily, i had no chance whatsoever to actually miss using the computer/msn. thanks should be extended to my darling teachers who have been giving us with materials to fill our time with. no more complaints - 'o' levels are damn approaching at high speed! it gets scary sometimes, especially when i just want to slack around, daydream, or even better, sleep! too bad i have such a clean conscience who keeps irritating me.

no computer = more time thinking.

i've been thinking in retrospect for quite a bit and i can confidently say, i bear no more hatred to anyone. i realised that there's no use in hating him, or anyone for that matter, for the only person that'll end up feeling all the hurt will be myself. its best to let go, and alhamdulillah, i have. it wasnt easy, trust me, but after much reading and thinking, im convinced that im doing what's best for myself and whoever that'll cross my path.

whatever happened in the past, happened for a reason. if i were to have lead a different life before this, i highly doubt i'd be the person that i am today. i dont think i'd be mature enough to face life as it is, nor would i be sensible enough to decipher right and wrong. i love my family, including him, for they were the ones, and will continue to be ones who will stand by me in times when i need them the most and the people that'll accept me for who i am. and of course, baby me like nothing for being the only girl in the family! well at least in spore context

so you see, alhamdulillah, now i've been enlightened of the heavy load that had been strangling me for the past, 5-6 years? it doesnt matter anymore.

i've learnt to love myself, as who i really am. there's no point running away from the truth now. it has all boiled down to the one thing that's most important - serving the Almighty. insyAllah

im a free person. finally.

It is Allah Who created you in a state of (helpless) weakness, then gave (you) strength after weakness, then, after strength, gave (you) weakness and a hoary head: He creates as He wills, and it is He who has all knowledge and power. [Surah ar-Rum: 54]

its 9 weeks to prelim and 3 months to O levels!

must start revising.

please please please help me ignore my stupid emotional needs now.

i can breakdown after o levels thank you very much.

sheesh.

RJC? insyAllah i'll fulfill that promise.

WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?!?!

i know you dont read this blog of mine but what the fcuk.

its been nice knowing you.

@!$@$#%#$#!$#@%#@%@

i thought you were different.

thanks for proving me wrong

Im thinking too much these days. which is not a good sign. at all.

something's wrong between me and my parents.

and some idiot has apparently gotten me stuck on jiwang songs. again.

gosh. this cant do. what will all these lead to? dear god, please please please. make me strong again.

it doesnt matter anymore. im my own hero. nobody's going to save me except myself.

on a lighter note, i had a fantastic ROD from band.

thank you bpmb for making my 4 years in secondary school a blast. we definitely have a love-hate relationship dont we?

thank you for a beautiful ending to our sweat/tears/complaints/victory.