assalamualaikum and a happy new islamic year to all! cepat dah awal muharram... =)

anyway, my gpa's team has been going to restricted land for the past 2 days and will continue going there to rehearse our show together with my dear friend/mentor/intructor Sam. wahahah. *insert school's name* security's sucks. we've been going in and out of that school like nobody's business. and the security guards will merely glance at us when we enter. boleh masuk macam maam besar! so we've been using the school's vicinity and some facilities for our practices. and should i add that its blardy scary, especially when the whole place is nearly deserted, and we have the whole place to ourselves. the first day we went, ie, chinese new year, even the toilet lights werent on. and us girls freaked ourselves thanks to a certain kind of fruit that was left lying around. oh and today was damn slack, especially only fizah, anum and i were there, excluding sam and yani. wahahaha. and oh gosh, they became tarian girls!! noooo. and news alert, ANUM IS GOING TO BE LEMBUT FOR THE SHOW! wahahaha. a must watch. like when can u ever get her to lembut???

gosh. im blardy hyper now. why? im not gonna tell you. reason's *hush hush*. i need someone to slap me. or pinch me. or whatever. oh my oh my. im behaving like a kid who's just been given a whole truckload of sweets and chocolates. *dances around with joy* hmm, i think its the caffeine intake. but wait, when did i consume caffeine? hahahha. blardy hell. i better calm down first before continuing this entry.

*********

ok back. feeling more calm and civilised now. hmmm, is it true that 'o' level results will be released on the 14th of feb? oh wow. valentines' day. yeah, like that date meant anything significant to me before. oooh, but this year there will be a techrun for the gpa contestants at nyjc, so yeah, it has a signifance this year. more or less.

more and more couples breaking up. more and more couples getting together. and he's getting married mid this year. blardy hell. i wish/hope that i dont have to attend the ceremony. maybe at most i'll probably show my face for a while than lock myself up in the room. i mean, i have to be there at least. what reason can i possibly give to not be there. at least, when he got engaged,i was away in china having the time of my life.. hmm, maybe this time i should escape to bangkok. yeah right, going to bangkok when 'o's is just around the corner. gaaaah. well its ok, i still have time to come up with an excuse as to not be involved fully in the preparations whatsoever. aku dok relak one corner sua

oh and did i mention that going to *insert school's name* is having a not-so-nice impact on me? heh. going there brings back too many memories of *insert fav male name*. too bad he was kicked out, or i could purposely bump into him and act all cheerful. or i can even pretend to not recognise him. heh. that'll be nice. gosh. im in absolute denial. with him and him. you're welcome to interpret this in whatever way. i dont care. i think.

my whole entry doesnt really make sense. but who cares. im trying to compact everything into one entry. so heck! hahahaha. gosh. i think im back to hyper mode... wahahahah

ps: dearest bro aziz is baaaaaaack!! weeeeeeeeee. im a happy sis.. =)

blardy hell, its 3.15 in the morning and im infront of the computer, exceptionally bored to death.. yeah, i should go to sleep i know, well, if i havent slept for 10 hrs just now.. i k.o-ed from 4 in the afternoon till 2 in the morning. niiiice. hahaha. and now i have no idea what to do since i cant go back to sleep.. hmm, maybe i'll take out my history essay and try completing it..

anyway, i have been thrown with a multitude of things to be completed for the past week. and let me see, lets list down the things that i've learnt from them...

- A is for Atikah, B is for boy, C is for carrot, D is for?? D is for Andy!!

hahah. crap. gosh. i am so gonna miss the two clowns [Andy & Wee Yong] after we shift places next week. they who irritate you to the core and make you laugh at the same time will be those that you'll miss the most... anyway, back.

- rugby is a very good sport for the girls' in my class [release stresss!!]
- i have a wonderful class [4P4 Popsters!]
- i cant stand people who are too dependant on others
- i cant click well nor relate well to my female peers [why oh why?!?!]
- a few people in the school are damn blardy selfish and irresponsible
- a few people in the school are damn blardy selfish and irresponsible
- a few people in the school are damn blardy selfish and irresponsible
- the sec ones this year are very very rowdy
- some people just dont have the sense to take initiatives
- i could/should not expect anything from my friends


well, alot of negative vibes except from the first point. blah blah. but my week's been fine. hey, its high time to take everything in my stride. no point mopping around. but hey, i do know that there are a few good things left in life, like my two irritating but lovable brothers. hahah. and the fact that there are a few other exceptional friends that i can count on. especially when i dearly need them. [thanks sam!] so life's been good. alhamdulillah

oh and i just came to find out that the fact that i prefer nasyid rather than hip hop, rnb and what not, have been a main area of concern. what the?? hello, suka hati aku lah aku suka nasyid ke apa. i dont need to explain myself. different people have different preferences. just because im not a lembu dicucuk hidung doesnt mean you're any better than me. trust me, i'd rather take a stand and be myself than be an stupid idiot and just follow what is the 'trend'. bullshit lah. what happened to the people of today? is it THAT important to be 'intrend' rather than just be yourself? gosh. talk about lack of self-confidence. now now, how about trying to find your own identity first before questioning others.

my my. i think this time of the morning is a bad time to compose an entry. seriously. all the negative vibes coming out. blah.

anyway, gpa preparations are going on smoothly, alhamdulillah. though i think the team still lacks in self-discipline. nice cycle. i get pissed when they dont do things properly, and they get pissed when i correct them. gosh. haha. but everything ends well always. yeah~ going to np on cny to invade their stuff. hahaha. yeah right~ gosh gosh gosh.. its 20 more days to the damn competition. can you believe that?!?! but too bad time waits for no-one.

ps: my darling bro[heh!] aziz will be coming home after performing his haj, next week! weeee~ gosh i sure miss that bozo! lalalala~

everything happens for a reason.

never blame fate for anything that happens, as everything is a blessing in disguise.

to see the rainbow, we'll have to endure the rain first.

lets take all this as a challenge from Allah swt.

insyAllah, when we do our best, the best will come back to us.

till then, lets take everything in our stride and keep our hopes and spirits high.

never lose sight of you path and destination.

till then, ya Allah, give me the strength to stand strong and go through all these with an open heart and mind.

kaulah tempat aku mengadu dan tempat aku meminta. Sesungguhnya, Allah Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Mengasihani.

amin.

my oh my. i've long not been able to sit down and relax. hectic hectic hectic for the past week and a half.

reflected on what i wrote the past entry and i guess, i had my weak times. times when i'll fall and have to pick myself up again. its a harsh world, and i know, there are people out there who will be cheering upon seeing me fall. but it is my duty and responsibility to pick myself up and prove them wrong. i've done it many times, and hopefully, will continue doing so.

had a talk with dearest shirin and finally came to my senses. i knew then that i had to take control and action. had no intention whatsoever to blow up at them, but i finally did. i knew that then, i had hurt some of their feelings, but on the other hand, nothing will be done if i leave things as they were.

i gave them their fun, now its time to work work work. with some fun here and there. and trust me, we've never done better.

the show is finally done, alhamdulillah. hisham and fatt are finally being serious, which i am grateful for. gosh, these two were the ones that got most of my scoldings, and yes, it was worth it. finally everybody is cooperating and giving it their best shot.

i'd like to thank everyone that had supported us through that point of time, and of course, to the whole gang for finally coming to your senses and cooperating. you guys are definitely a great bunch, and hopefully, we'll reap the best results that we can.

insyallah.

note: this entry is written at a time when yours truly is feeling extremely lethargic and intense. heh. so if you're sick of reading me rambling on and on about me, myself and i, you can click on the "x" button on the top right hand corner of the screen. thank you very much.

at times like this, i often wonder, have i failed as a leader?

though on the surface the answers are muddled, i know, deep inside, with all the confidence that i have nurtured throughout the years, i know the answer.

the hopelessness of being unable to control your peers and making them oblige to your commands is very much evident, and often gives a toll to both the mind and body.

is it better to let your peers obey you because they fear you, or because of respect?

honestly, i'll take on the latter anytime. different people have different styles of leadership. and my way, i'd want everyone to do it on their own free will. only for certain circumstances will i push them to do or commit. if not, i'd rather look for other people who are willing to give their 110% or i'll do it myself. i belief that, in any case, if a person is forced, he would not give his best and only does the job for my sake. the outcome would not be the best.

everyone has a potential. it is the responsibility of the people around him and also he himself to uncover it. should there not be the people in my past that have given me a chance to prove my leadership qualities, perhaps, until now, i will continue being the avid follower and my confidence level will be near negative point. i was not born this way, trust me.

i chose the people whose in the competition, for a reason. this will be their last year in bpghs, and hopefully, will be the most memorable. for many reasons. this will be the time for them to shine, and finally do something, rather than be an inactive spectator. menang kalah adat pertandingan. everybody wants to win, but that is not the main goal. i'd say, take every opportunity to be a learning experience. a stepping stone to enhancing your key points. should we fail, at least we know we've tried our best.

trust me, i have faith and i know where i stand. Unless we spread our wings, we'll never know how high we can fly. this may seem to be pointless ramblings, but heck, who cares. its a morale booster for me. my leadership techniques may be different, but it works. insyAllah, if we try, and not forget to seek help from the Almighty, the path will be a smooth one.

Lets do this together. For us. For the memory. For success.

Failing does not make you a failure. Giving up does.

Leaders are but humans. They too can fall at times. The only difference is that they never give up. They rise up stronger after every fall.

i am officially a sec 4 student. and honestly, i cant really sense the difference. well, besides the sense of urgency on the fact that i will be sitting for my 'o's in approximately 10 months time. is it just me, or am i the very few people that is actually feeling the heat of 'o's? my oh my.

i am yes, once again, the chairmanperson of my class. good news? i dont know. someway or another, i feel responsible for the fact that my class isnt exactly what u can call 'united'. even after one year, they're still in cliques and refuse to sit with other people. what was more bitter for me was when vlee[my beloved amaths teacher] came in and yakked about his new form class being so united even only after 2 days. i-am-so-jealous. have i failed as a chairperson? i guess, one of my duties was to unify the class, something that i wasnt able to fully achieve. but, alhamdulillah, i have been given yet another chance, so i'll definitely seize it.

for the past 3 years, i've fallen twice. i wont say im not going to fall again. in fact, had i not fell during those two separate occasions, i would have never realised that i could fly higher than the clouds. this year, self-discipline will be my weapon. no more procrastinating! heck, i'll have to forego internet and tv. phew, luckily, im not an avid tv-viewer. cerita kat suria pun bukannya best! priorities have been straightened. this year, i'll probably be quite harsh. why? the tendency to eradicate things that will hinder me from reaching my goals and success will pay its price. chances are i'll have to forego certain friendships and only keep the ones that really matters. selfish? heh. who cares? my whole life, friendships has never played any major roles. ever. so as i said, who care? i dont.

being a leader has made me hard. no it has made me strong. i've fallen, but i've spread my wings and flew higher than i could ever imagine. i have a well constructed path before me, though there's loopholes and such. i may fall yet again, but i know i'll be able to pick myself up. one things's for sure, i'll forever be looking ahead and moving towards my destination. insyAllah

Slashed souls may bleed; but wounds heal with the silent rewards one must realise.