my body's been sending me harsh signals to take things slowly.

so since i chose to ignore it for the past few weeks, they decided to take revenge.

whole body shutdown.

tonsil infection - fever, running nose, aching body and to top it off, migraine.

yep. im a sick girl. heh. my tonsils flamed up again. blardy hell. been thinking of going for operation but mum's against it. owell, i'll probably have to stay with it for the rest of my life. which kind of sux, coz of the tendency to have recurring infections. been stuck in bed since sunday.

i went against my own rules and did homework in bed. [note: i NEVER do homework in bed] did it groggily and half-hearted, coz i wanted to go to school today. which, i didnt. the doctor gave me two days mc, though i only asked for one. heh. but no way am i staying at home for another day. i'll be going to school tomorrow, running nose or not. heh. atikah sengaaau

anyway, due to the fact that i've been confined in bed for the past 2 days, mum bought for me the new karaoke dvd by Mestica - Layar Keinsafan! weeeee~ heh. to all who know nuts about them, they're a nasyid group that has incredible vocals. and the fact that some of the members make great eye-candy doesnt hurt either! they're my current favourite, after UNIC. heh. im in love with the songs Puteriku sayang [feat Munif Hijjaz] and Demi Cinta Zainab. been replaying it so much i think my brother's thinking of hiding the dvd from me.

owell, off to do hwk now. yes, i am a good student aren't i? heh.

Malumu mahkota yang tidak perlukan singgahsana, tetapi ia berkuasa menjaga diri dan nama. Tiada siapa yang akan boleh merampasnya melainkan kau sendiri yang pergi menyerah diri.

all the tears shed.

all the frustration felt.

all the hard work placed.

the result?

memories crashed back, as i felt the exact emotions on the 9th of April 2005. once again, i tried to be strong. i kept a rigid expression. i was numb. i couldnt look at anyone in the eye. silently, i prayed for strength to accept reality. walking out of the theatre, i vaguely remember the scenario. i walked as fast as i could, as far away as possible. tears was inevitable. i would be lying if i said i wasnt disappointed. the disappointment, only Allah swt could tell. tears started to form, but i wasnt ready to let it fall. i had to face cikgu senan and the rest. i wasnt ready for anything. i still dont know how i managed to gather the strength to turn to everyone and tell them that it was alright. we did our best, and that was what matters. i knew that. deep down. then i saw them crying. it made me feel worse. i wasnt able to extend the comfort that was needed, for i myself needed it. we held hands, and tried to give each other the strength.

standing at the foyer, seeing sam and co approach us, i felt ashamed. we did not reach our goal. when he stood infront of me, i forced a smile. he pat me on the back and told me to be strong. yes, i am strong. she burst into tears. they hugged her. i had to turn away. and walked on. and never looked back until we've reached the bus-stop. while they were eating dinner, my mind wandered off, reminiscing the times that we were preparing. the times we sneaked into np. the times i nearly screamed in frustration. everything had ended. with an ending that i didnt expect.

the train ride home was lighter. numb. we joked. laughed. reminisced the past. yes, everything was fun while it lasted.

alone at home, facing Him, i crumbled once again. only with Him, i could seek solace. strength to face everything, strength to accept fate. i sat there, crying silently. cry now, and be at peace forever. as i read His words in the holy book, i was made to remember a fact that had slipped my mind momentarily. Everything that happens in life, happens for a reason. Whether for a reason obvious or not. Immediate or later. There's always a reason. Only then, did i manage to embrace the defeat, and hope for the best in the coming days. maybe now, im able to commit to bahas this year. apart from band comp. i'll just wait for everything to fall into place, like it always does. InsyAllah.

to the team,
i would like to thank you for all the efforts placed in and the cooperation given. even though it was a bumpy ride, we survived it together. i cant express how much everything and everyone meant to me. i'm sorry if i had ever been harsh or have hurt any one of u in the process. i have my weaknesses too. as a leader and as a friend, i am very proud of you guys. you've proved to me and everyone else that you are able to commit and give your everything to ensure success. so lets put in the same effort for our 'o's alright?

we've did our best, maybe it just wasnt good enough.

Thank you bpians. The memories will forever be etched in my mind. Insyallah.

the results came out at 12 just now. the turmoil of emotions felt such as anxiety, disappointment and regret felt before the release of results was unbearable. the tension could be felt throughout the whole class. yes, 90% of the ppl in my class took higher mt. damn. everybody was so anxious, practically nobody was paying attention to the teacher in front. we were practically begging him to not teach as nobody could freaking absorb whatever he was teaching.. AND, the fact that we were only waiting for ONE result and we were already so stressed, WHAT ABOUT NEXT YEAR!?!?!?

in fact, i was doing something else. you can say i was trying to destress and calm myself down. what was i doing while the chem teacher was yakking away trying to teach us combustion/cracking/substitution? heh. rose folding. yeah thats right. in fact, i wasnt the only one, the girls sitting around me also took some strips of the paper to fold roses too. heh. nice way to release tension. and why the hell am i folding the roses?? haha. its for my mum's birthday, and viewing the fact that i have no idea what else to buy for her, i decided to fold my own paper-cloth roses and place them inside a glass bottle. hahaha. save money i guess. heh. ooooh, and her birthday falls on exactly the same day as my gpa competition!!

anyway, the present sec 4s had to stay for the release of results. alhamdulillah, this year, our school did much better as compared to last year. very much better i presume. but only 2 malay students went on stage this year.. hmmm.. this year will be more pressurising for my batch as they will be expecting us to perform better. damn. hahaha. nevermind. its for our own good. insyAllah, next year i'll be one of them standing on stage who received 7 or more distinctions! its just a matter of whether i have a will and determination to strive to achieve my goals. and yes, with the help of family and GOD by my side, i'll always keep track of my goals and achieve it with my fullest commitment. this is just the beginning. the game has yet to begin. and im going to win it. insyAllah.

the key is to have faith, and i'll be able to overcome to darkest storms and run through the deepest seas.

gosh. my parents' picking out boys for me to ooooogle at. weird. hahah. but hey, i gotta admit. we share the same taste. alright ar baba, if by 24 im still unattached, you choose my future husband ok? hahaha. and its so darn cute to see some of the guys blush if my dad becomes friendly with them [read: too-friendly]. oh yeah. my dad is damn-the-sociable. he can go to anyone and anytime and strike up a lively conversation. especially at eating arenas. though i got to admit, i do get kind of embarrassed at times, its actually kinda cool to have such a dad. no wonder he's a great property agent! hahaha. promote my dad lah!! its not everyone who gets such a supportive dad. haha. so now you know whose great social genes i got. heh.

my life's darn hectic. i havent been getting proper/enough rest for the past 2 weeks. darn. the only time i feel completely at ease is when i do my prayers to the Almighty and my daily 5-minutes of blank time. yerpx. i got a new technique from girlfriend to de-stress myself everyday. and gosh, i think that and my prayers are the only things keeping me sane. everyday, for 5 minutes, i'll own the Quran recital on my ipod and completely blank my head from ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. the result? bliss. hah. seriously. its cool. you should try it. especially if your days are like mine, whereby my brain keeps working and working from the moment i wake up to the the time i sleep. i wake up, i think of school/hwk/projects etc... after school i go for gpa/band/remedials.. gosh. now, i can officially say that school ends at 6 plus. which means, the only time i'll reach home is nearing 7, which means that i have to qada' my zohor and asar, which is damn troublesome. gosh. the school should have a musollah that can compliment both the female and male needs. currently only the boys can solat in school in the mt room 1. well, at least if they want to. urgh.

damn. i need to start following my home time-table. or maybe i should do some adjustments to it. hmm, maybe i should put friday as sleeping day.. urgh.. maybes. been going home and sleeping at 9 sometimes. i cant afford that!! aaaah. i need to be more disciplined. no i need to eat more vitamins! mamaaaaaa, i need vitamins!! yeah if i say that, she'll probably kill me. why? there's tons of vitamins in the fridge, just that im too blardy lazy to eat every single one of them in the morning. no, im not afraid of swallowing pills. in fact, i sort of like the sensation of swallowing.. gosh that sounds wrong! hahah its just that most of the vitamins are to be eaten after food, and i usually eat breakfast afer leaving the house, ie on the way to the mrt station and also grabbing my precious soya bean drink at the overhead bridge heading towards the mrt station. i so tak kuasa to bring the pills to school. my friends will probably think im down with some kind of terminal sickness that requires me to consume loads of medicine just to be able to survive another day. urgh. no thanx. i dont need that kind of attention. hmm.. aiya, maybe i should just consume the pills at night... but then, mama said that i cant eat vitamins with jamu(traditional medicine)!! hahahaha... gosh. im making a small matter big. silly me~


but its ok.. just a few more months to go before 'o's. its these sacrifices that will make the outcome sweeter insyallah. as long as im right on track and heading towards my goal, insyallah, Allah will help me through and make sure im alright. like the sign states, dont turn back. its a one way street. this is that path i chose, and im gonna make it worthwhile. insyallah. =)

ps: Happy 16th birtday to zayanah, sufiana, anum, sufian, firdaus etc..[too many lah!!!]

till next time,assalamualaikum and peace be upon you.