all the tears shed.

all the frustration felt.

all the hard work placed.

the result?

memories crashed back, as i felt the exact emotions on the 9th of April 2005. once again, i tried to be strong. i kept a rigid expression. i was numb. i couldnt look at anyone in the eye. silently, i prayed for strength to accept reality. walking out of the theatre, i vaguely remember the scenario. i walked as fast as i could, as far away as possible. tears was inevitable. i would be lying if i said i wasnt disappointed. the disappointment, only Allah swt could tell. tears started to form, but i wasnt ready to let it fall. i had to face cikgu senan and the rest. i wasnt ready for anything. i still dont know how i managed to gather the strength to turn to everyone and tell them that it was alright. we did our best, and that was what matters. i knew that. deep down. then i saw them crying. it made me feel worse. i wasnt able to extend the comfort that was needed, for i myself needed it. we held hands, and tried to give each other the strength.

standing at the foyer, seeing sam and co approach us, i felt ashamed. we did not reach our goal. when he stood infront of me, i forced a smile. he pat me on the back and told me to be strong. yes, i am strong. she burst into tears. they hugged her. i had to turn away. and walked on. and never looked back until we've reached the bus-stop. while they were eating dinner, my mind wandered off, reminiscing the times that we were preparing. the times we sneaked into np. the times i nearly screamed in frustration. everything had ended. with an ending that i didnt expect.

the train ride home was lighter. numb. we joked. laughed. reminisced the past. yes, everything was fun while it lasted.

alone at home, facing Him, i crumbled once again. only with Him, i could seek solace. strength to face everything, strength to accept fate. i sat there, crying silently. cry now, and be at peace forever. as i read His words in the holy book, i was made to remember a fact that had slipped my mind momentarily. Everything that happens in life, happens for a reason. Whether for a reason obvious or not. Immediate or later. There's always a reason. Only then, did i manage to embrace the defeat, and hope for the best in the coming days. maybe now, im able to commit to bahas this year. apart from band comp. i'll just wait for everything to fall into place, like it always does. InsyAllah.

to the team,
i would like to thank you for all the efforts placed in and the cooperation given. even though it was a bumpy ride, we survived it together. i cant express how much everything and everyone meant to me. i'm sorry if i had ever been harsh or have hurt any one of u in the process. i have my weaknesses too. as a leader and as a friend, i am very proud of you guys. you've proved to me and everyone else that you are able to commit and give your everything to ensure success. so lets put in the same effort for our 'o's alright?

we've did our best, maybe it just wasnt good enough.

Thank you bpians. The memories will forever be etched in my mind. Insyallah.