i'm that girl you left when you went away.

i'm that girl who was a geek when she was young. i'm that girl who rushed back home to do her homework when she reached back home. i'm that girl who never had any toys to play with but only books to read. i'm that girl who was always ugly and never pretty or cute like my cousins.i'm that girl who finally found out what it was like to have fun when she turned 12.

i'm that girl who started going to school on her own when she was 7. i'm that girl who juggled 5 ccas when she was in primary school. i'm that girl who always attained best in cca and malay in primary school. i'm that girl who never believes in showing how she truely feels to anyone. i'm that girl who believes crying is a sign of weakness.

i'm that girl who had to endure being beaten everytime she did something wrong when she was young. i'm that girl who remembers how it was like growing up in fear. i'm that girl that yearned to be accepted in the family. i'm that girl who vowed never to let anyone lay a hand on her again.

i'm that girl who writes stories of death and tragedy and wishes those were real. i'm that girl who's too morbid for reality. i'm that girl who never had a boyfriend.

i'm that girl who only got a computer 2 years ago. i'm that girl who smiles even when she's sad. i'm that girl that yearns to be loved and cared for, but is too proud to ask for it.

i'm that girl who is addicted to red bull since i was 8. i'm that girl who has pushed away her best friend. i'm that girl whose afraid that you'll see the real me. i'm that girl who never knew how to scream till this year. i'm that girl who used to score straight As.

i'm that girl that is emotionally drained. i'm that girl that breaks down in solitude. i'm that girl whose wounds never heal. i'm that girl who screams for a friend but was never heard.

i'm that girl whose first bestfriend was a boy in kindergarden. i'm that girl who gave my bestfriend a kiss on the cheek when i was 5. i'm that girl who folded 1000 paper stars when i was 8. i'm that girl who learned to be independent for there is no one else to depend on.

i'm that girl who was dressed in mickey mouse clothes till i was 11. i'm that girl who cannot stomach the taste of coffee since young. i'm that girl who has a good head for maths and language.

i'm that girl who pretends to be happy when she's not. i'm that girl who used to get drunk to forgot her sorrows. i'm that girl who used to cut herself to feel alive. i'm that girl who has finally given up on finding a true friend.

i'm that girl that keeps picking herself up everytime she falls. i'm that girl that learnt to turn to God in times of need. i'm that girl that learnt to never care about her feelings.

i'm that girl who hugs everyone for everytime she does, she feels whole again. i'm that girl who comforts everyone but herself. i'm that girl who writes those stories based on her feelings or emotions at the moment. i'm that girl who pretends nothing is wrong.

i'm that girl who has is turning 15, acts 21 for everyone to see but feels 30 inside. i'm that girl who shows you what you want to see. i'm that girl who wants you to believe that i'm happy when actually i'm not. i'm that girl who cries in the dark. i'm that girl who loves to occupy herself with her friends but yet feels so lonely with them. i'm that girl who smiles when i'm crying inside. i'm that girl who acts cheerful as the world prefers a smiley face than a crying one.

i'm that girl who never feels that she has done enough. i'm that girl who always feels that i'm not good enough. i'm that girl who feels ugly and fat every single day. i'm that girl who suffers from stress migraines every week. i'm that girl who hates to answer questions about herself or her feelings. i'm that girl who has never told anyone about her past and yet wrote it down here for the whole world to see.

yes, i'm that girl. who are you?

*fact or fiction, u decide*

When circumstances scream, I NEED MY RED BULL!!

yes. i have once again gotten hooked onto the mighty caffeine. every major exam, you will find me constantly (a)red bull or (b) coffee. Option (b) is very rare coz i absolutely despice the taste. yuck!! but when i cant get red bull, i have no choice. minum jer lah

yes so now, i am drinking coffee. instant coffee that is. i think i took too much water, so that's why it doesnt taste so disgusting. heh. yes, my social studies paper is tomorrow!! which explains why im starting to induce high intakes of sugar. my exams are on the roll... heh. not so nice....

yes i finally password-activated my blog.heh.



yeah.so only the lucky few will get to read this blog. arent you touched? bah.



i did not talk to the guys today. yes. i will continue to ignore them until one of them comes up to me and apologies. enough is enough. and just now, one of my dear friends, actually had the cheek to ask me to treat him. bleargh. my reaction? rolled my eyes and just went into the mrt. hah.



this might be the few posts that i will by typing out this 3 weeks, coz yes, its the exams!! heh. excited i am. therefore, i must i must i must revise my work.



i must i must i must study



ps:its kak gee's bdae tomorrow. and i found myself a new crush. heh!

should i make this blog password-protected? im starting to feel as if more and more people that i dont appreciate are reading my blog. and they go blabbering about the contents of this blog to others. bleagh. freak those people.



went to watch kelab dangdut yesterday. met with kak gee and her friend, effi, before heading off to newton. the walk from newton mrt station to teater kami's black box was interesting. it took about 10 minutes and the 3 of us were talking crap. [fast forward] since it was the first time for me to actually watch a blackbox performance, its damn interesting. the concept and all. and the fact that we got good seats didnt hurt. the acting was good, that i have to say, but the storyline had alot of glitches. the ending especially was very disappointing. a lot of hanging characters and such. but then again, i enjoyed it. cleared my comments with firdaus after the show, and thank god he accepted it graciously. went to have a drink at newton and managed to get the last train. there was a drunk guy there and firdaus made friends with him. haha. kak gee was dearly wishing that nothing bad would happen. it was cute =)



reached home a few minutes past 1. walked in like nobody's business. hah. its nice to reach home in the wee hours of the morning like back in the old days. i should do it again. heh. maybe after exams... hmmmmm..



did i mention that im dead meat?!?! my account currently holds only 200++ bucks, and my mum placed 600 bucks before she went to do her umrah. and who did you think spent most of the money? ME LAH!!! die die die. i told her that there's 300 bucks left and she went mad already. die, when she find out my account only holds 200 bucks, i'll be so screwed!! aaaaaaaaaaah. shit lah. i am such a freaking spender. i shouldnt have treated the guys to lunch that day. screw them.

WARNING: explicit contents with lots of cursing.Please leave if your intention is just to judge me. yes, you can go to hell for all i care.



yesterday was definitely a bitch. i was ultra-ultra sensitive, but couldnt do anything to vent out my anger and frustration. god knows why i was suddenly sensitive. maybe its the time of the month. blardy hell. delwin was drawing cartoons of me during physics remedial and making all the people around him laugh. that's sick. especially when im sitting in front of him. urgh.



people apparently dont regard me as a girl. that suckx. especially when they dont regard the fact that i have feelings too. so i dont fret when they tease me and stuff, like the other girls who will take heart and create tantrums. thank god im not that petty. then, maybe i should. they are fucking taking me forgranted and damn, are starting to step on my head. just because sometimes i treat the boys to food when i have extra cash to spare, they think im their bankroll. just because i dont create tantrums like a girl, they think i have no feelings. fuck them lah. and the girls too. gosh i hate the friends i have in bp. i dont even think they deserved to be called friends. fucking bunch of hypocrites. for nearly 3 years, i have gone through their taunting, teasing and whatsoever bullshit. throw me an insult, they've said it. from sec 1 till now. and i've casted a deaf ear upon it. coz i thought that they'll grow tired of it. i went along with their jokes. i didnt mind. i guess i should have. the hurt and pain amounted throughtout the years and gosh i grew to hate them so much. but then too bad the hatred doesnt stay for long, coz i will always put on a smile the next day and pretend that nothing happened. why? coz i didnt want to be petty and take it to heart. but yesterday, i really couldnt stand it. i just walked away, leaving the whole bunch of them speaking in javanese, insulting me. how the fuck do i know? considering the fact that i dont understand a single word of javanese. well thankx to anum, who looked at me so fucking guiltily and told wandi that it was bad of him to say that about me. apparently, all of them were. so fine. i walked off. who cares about them anyway. they're not even the people that i turn to when in need. fuck, their title as friends only reign in school. after that, i might as well say go to hell to all of them.



life a bitch, and then we die.



these few days have been jam-packed with activities. higher malay exam was a breeze. i definitely started on my revision and that leads to no time to play. i definitely thrive under pressure, which is good. study study study. i really couldnt be bothered with my social life anymore. god. whatever. anyway, din go to school today. stupid migraine and fever. my UTI is contracting again. fuck shit. it hurts lah. i might as well rot in bed and nobody will bother. gosh. i need a guy.



life a bitch, and then we die.



the quote that shirin and i used to live by. yes those were the days isnt it. just the two of us, working our asses off for the bastards of [insert name]. and also trying to handle the team. bah. i miss going crazy with the NW team. going from school to school getting them to support the project. yeah and wasting alot of time and effort in the end. those were the days.......

stupid flu bug.



its been three days already and i am still down with it. countless panadols. litres of water. bottles of air badak [its cooling water]. well, it has went down abit so hurray.



which means there goes my new semester resolution. to not be absent from school. heh. yeah rite. i was absent on friday after being scolded for coming to school on thursday. aku datang skolah kener marah, aku tak datang kener marah well anyway, on thursday i was less loud. heh. even my hml teacher commented that i was more quiet than usual. compliment? i hope so.



so monday is my higher malay paper 1. what to prepare? nothing much except for mental preparation though. heh. thank god for higher malay. imagine if im in some international school which has no higher malay, or even malay for that matters, i will die, i tell you. heh. ok slight exxageration there. but hey, that's my best subject, besides humanities. owell.



was in the car passing by orchard just now. which really reminds me of the times that i used to go shopping there, which was a loooong time ago. yes. i have turned to be a good girl and have not touched town for nearly 6 months. good girl i am. seriously. i've even substituted most of my clothing to more demure ones. which i must admit looks good. hey, i have to accept the fact that im fat rite, which means tight fitting clothes definitely does not suit me, and besides, kaftans are in this season. so heck. i look good. yeay. heh. which reminds me, i've gone retro. yerpx. well at least my hair did. with the hairband do and all. heh. finally a change of style. and even my brothers approved of it. heh. they're usually the ones that always comment on my clothings and style. hah, im a happy girl.



p.s: WHO WANTS TO BE MY SHOPPING KAKI AFTER EOY EXAMS?!? we go shop, then break fast, then shop again [since its fasting month]. any takers...?

Never in my life did I thought Id eventually get myself to this situation. Never did I realize that being strong would eventually lead to my crumbling down. I never knew that my heart could make out this feelings. Not now. Not ever.



Clinging on to invisible hope has failed me yet again. What with nobody I could trust, life has been a weight on my shoulders. How can I ever express myself to anyone for that matters, if I cant even form the words thats creating a mess out of me? Will there ever be a chance for me to let it all out. Once and for all. With the past constantly hounding me, Im stuck in between crossroads. To tell, or to just continue to shut up.



Being sick and all alone, made me realize the vulnerability that still exists within me. Im not superhuman you know. My heart yearns for someone to be by my side, to assure me of the coming days, to simply care. Never once did I realize how expensive a hug could be, or just a simple reassurance smile. Being strong solely on my own, has finally taken its toll. I might be heading for a mental breakdown, again. Is it so difficult to actually love me, or am I just asking for too much?



I used to be so fcuking proud about being the only girl in the whole family. Now it plain sux. The pressure of not being to be able to talk freely, the feeling of being restricted, and the immense realization of ones sexual drive has made me nuts. I cant hold on anymore.



I want to love, and be loved. Everyones to engrossed with their lives to realize my cry for help. Too troubled with their own problems. Maybe its partly my fault. My whole life has been dedicated to showing a façade to the world, to convince everyone and myself, that I am strong and that I can hold on, but at this point of time, that facade can no longer be continued. I succeeded you know, and for a certain period of time, the whole world was blinded, and even I was convinced that that was me, until everything sets in.



Im sorry friends, I know you care. You really do. But I cant help thinking that at times, it may not be from the heart, just the sense of need to say that you care. I dont know. For years, I have never found myself dependant on friends, not emotionally, and maybe I never will. But maybe there is where my weakness stands. Friends forever? Cliche.



I may have my life in order, in terms of my future and hopes of success, but emotionally, Im a wreck.

how come you only realise the importance of someone only when they're gone.. no im not talking about my parents, who are still currently doing their umrah. just talking about a friend. an old friend. and im sitting down wondering how he is. oh well.



was going through my photo collection. exactly one year ago, i was in china. yeap. beijing to be exact. it was a wonderful experience. climbing up the great wall of china, eating ice-cream, making prank calls at the hotel, jumping up and down the bed, riding a horse, being freezed near to death under the stars. memorable isnt it. just like my obs experience. though maybe in a few years, would i still remember and cherish these moments and experiences? i do hope so.



funny how i dont treasure friendship. yeah i dont. not really anyway. why? coz i always feel that one day, you and your friend will drift apart. always happens doesnt it. from your primary school friends to your lower secondary school friends. remember the 'forever friends' promise? cliche lah. sometimes i wonder whether its wise to pour out your heart to your friends, in fear of them actually turning behind you and using it to diss you in future. trust me, it happens. it always does. maybe i should start treasuring the friendship i have now. maybe i should.



in memory...

the food diana and yours truly cooked.



yes. we do know how to cook ok. heh. we're girls ok. should be ashamed if dunno how to cook. and... it was DELICIOUS. seriously. went to fetch diana at causeway point then headed over to ntuc to buy the things needed. went around like some interested mofos just to look for the items. heh. it was fun~ anum came while we were halfway cooking and she helped around. good god. we are a bunch of messy cooks. luckily they helped in the washing out. if not. hampeh. so the food turned out perfect. macaroni cheese and some other thing we experimented with and also chicken wrapped in seaweed. nice...



taught them some amaths. its kinda nice to be able to teach people. its the feeling of satisfaction of giving your knowledge to your friends and them finally understanding. no wonder my friends who are teachers stayed with their jobs, no matter how difficult their students are. hmmm. maybe i should consider being an early-childhood teacher. heh. pity the kids then. nah. i've always wanted to give back to the community, so maybe i'll be a part-time social worker while having another permanent job that is in the communication field. yes. communication. a field that i can indulge in. i speak and socialize. so might as well use it to my advantage.



decided to sleep over at grandma's place tonight. i think. i'm getting kind of tired being alone at home. anum was supposed to sleepover tonight but her mother had something planned. oh well. and zizi is away at melbourne. wonder when she'll be back. well. im not allowed to have anyone sleepover in the first place anyway. so i guess the solution is grandma's place. luckily its near. will be able to walk to clear my head. its muddled up like mad right now.



aziz!! my feelings are back on the adult roller coaster ride! sheesh. i need something to hold on to. baaaah. being left alone at home doesnt help either. how come everybody jumps to conclusion that i'm very strong? that im able to handle everything. like hello. i am a 15 years old teenager! ok fine, i dont look like one but i am. argh. like the time at the airport, they thought i was so happy that my parents are going off. like hello. they're MY PARENTS. ok. so at times i dont get along with them but they are my parents. of course i'll feel sad of all the possibilities that may happen. oh well..



ok. i should stop. i need to go off or i wont until midnight. heh. need to to some more studying before heading off to my sleepover destination. chet. all boys some more. what to do? nasib badan... heck. the best-friend team is coming tomoro. minus fatt i think. and aisyah and diana. to study together. hmm. what should i cook tomoro. or maybe i should just order pizza. heh. knowing them, pizza would be a better option. though it would be fun to cook again..



there's a trigo test tomoro at school. thank vlee for doing that. heh. so have to go from grandma's place to school. shit. and that great uncle of mind HAD to get into an accident on friday. so no way is he driving me there. aaaaah. but then again, vlee rox. so no harm going back to school. ah sheesh. trigo. proving sux. graphs rules. ohwell.



can you find me a faithful companion..

the craziest people i have ever worked with [group not complete though]




ok i really need to kick myself in the ass before i ever sit infront of the computer ever again. why? oh well. firstly, i will never be able to get up soon after to do anything else. like freak. i was planning to do revision just now after i check my mail and voila. i ended up doing this blog and posting an entry. oh gosh. i need to do my work! hah. well at least i did do something which was reorganize my whole filing system. which is now officially the neatest thing i've ever done. woohoo.




i just realise that my parents being away is not so bad after all. i realised that i am not such a lazy ass after all. heck i cleaned the house today. ie vacuumed and everything. i am proud of myself. its been so fast seriously. its been like what, 5 days since they left on that plane to mecca. oh well. i just hope they'll be back safely on monday. i miss them lah. i think. heh. =)




my group won the best performance for the bengkel penulisan skrip performance. which was great. at the very least, kak gee didnt skip class for nothing. i love that kak gee. she's the elder sis that i've always wanted. heck,i do get sick of having waaaay to many older guys around. she is a breath of fresh air. heh. i love you kak gee. hope that our friendship remains till, heck, forever. ezriel and syaz, you guys are great too. heh. tak sia-sia kau tampar aku ezriel oi....




gosh im on hyper mode now. i think its the cause of having too much sugar and caffeine. this is the once in a blue moon time where im in crazy moon. me saying that is like as if im saying that a blue moon is so constantly up in the sky. people know im crazy right? the right dosage of craziness that is. heh.




im a lovable person. yes i am. so denying it. you love me too. heh. =)




p.s: somebody remind me not to touch the computer tomoro until AFTER i revise...?

a new beginning.

i've officially moved from that certain old blog of mine to this sweet little honey. ok that tone is so fake. bah. heh. this is like my third blog after only what 2 years? gosh. thanks to some blabbermouths who cant keep their mouths shut, i am obliged to keep moving.

well on the bright side, its a total new beginning.

hello world.