im starting to realise how i've lost my spark in life.
gosh.

i think i better stop thinking too much.

its draining my energy.

aziz, lets go sign up at IMH together.

we need help.

i think.

had to delete the previous post.
bloody controversial siot.

i dont appreciate being judged.

i dont appreciate the fact that people dont regard the fact that i actually have feelings.

suprised? gosh. yes people. i am a human being. i do have feelings you know.

yes you learn something new everyday.

i cant seem to get myself to be bothered about people in school. i dont know why. and they say that the people in school plays the most role in your life. care to say something?

bullshit. yes. you heard me.

of course, there are true friends that exist, and i realise that. but what exactly is your definition of true friends?

oh gosh. here i go again with the friend issue.

maybe all i need is someone to change my perspective. coz you know what my perspective is right now?

friendship is ephemeral. dont know what ephemeral is? let me enlighten you. it means short term, or lasting for a short period of time.

pessimistic? yes. but then, isnt that life?

my, i have changed.

being who i am now sux. i lost my frilly outlook of life where there's always a happy ending. happy endings comes rarely. to the lucky few.

i wish im the lucky one.

caution! this entry holds explicit information and may cause revoltion or whatsoever. if you're here to judge, buzz off. this entry is just an incessant rantings of a girl experiecing pms.

something about me that you may not know.

i dont treasure my friends.

well at least not all of them.

and i dont fall in love easily.

infatuated? yes. who doesnt?

it takes me blardy long to fall for someone. those that have seen me through the years have realised that. and when i do fall for that person, i fall for him harrrrd. in other words, it will take fcuking long for me to fall out of love with him. which is mainly the reason why im still very much in love with the idiot. story? no thanx. i do tend to like other guys, but most of the time, i will forget about them just as fast. and when i do like someone, i'll accept them for whoever they are, no matter how many flaws i see in them. why? coz im not perfect either. time and time again, i will choose to disillusion myself and state that i like *insert name* but most of the time, its just lies.

why?

good question. so that i can forget that im still hanging on to the idiot. unfortunate isnt it. yes. i mean. you cant really expect me to fall for someone who i barely know rite? of course it will take time for me to eventually fall for someone. time, meaning months. which gives me enough reason to forget someone should he back out halfway. or vice versa.

and i would never hate someone should she gets the guy. gosh. i dont even hate the idiot's girlfriend. why? who am i to do so? as the say everything's fair in love and war

and i dont treasure my friends. especially those that i know that i wont keep in contact with for long. selfish? very.

why waste time and effort? why give room for heartache?

when i ignore my friends, its either for these reasons,
a) i cant be bothered
b) i'm too tired
c) i've nothing to talk to them about
d) i'm not willing to fake anything to suit them

yes, many have observed that i have grown distant to them. honestly why bother? what do you treat me as anyway? a friend? i can laugh at that. why forge friendships that are just based on shaky foundations?

for that, i'll keep those dear to me close. for i'm only human. i do need companionship.

i'm a socialite. but honestly, which is more important? quality or quantity?

i'm looking for friends, not acquaintances, thank you very much.

gosh, why do i even write all this shit? oh yeah, coz nobody listens.

its sad when you go out and meet your old primary school friends to find that too many things have changed and you're the only person that probably even bothered to care and take notice. everybody was trying to keep up with everybody else, and some faking it. it was painfully obvious that i was too distant from them. was it my fault? was i just plain unwilling to adjust myself to suit them? or was i just growing up too fast. im not sure. but what im sure of is, im sorry guys for leaving halfway. the fact that i was mighty uncomfortable made me leave, plus also the point that i was not in the right state of mind to tolerate any nonsense from people that wont have much mark in my life. selfish? maybe.

i've grown more pessimistic nowadays? why? maybe its due to the reason that i think too much. i think of things that are sometimes insignificant, and then, i thrust the weight of the world on my shoulders. i get so worked up thinking of irrelevant things that sometimes i get too tired and restless. my mind's hyperactiveness is evidently causing me to slowly lose my patience and optimistic views in life. i think of things that at times, im the only person that can relate to.

i want to scream and shout all the incessant thoughts away.

i want to run and hide from all this.

i need a friend.

too bad my understanding of the term friend is way different from yours.

so im 15. no big deal. seriously. well except the fact that i will get my ic. soon. i hope. heh.

no real celebrations. just well-wishes and my grandma cooked my favourite dishes. which i ate alone. so not fun. seriously. i mean. for all the 15 years i have been on this earth, never once have i really anticipated any of my birthdays. so its my birthday? big deal. many a times i just completely cant be bothered and the date will slip my mind, until some kind soul comes to me and wish me happy birthday, and i will go, oh yeah, its my birthday. yeah. hah. kinda strange it may be for some of you, who thinks that birthdays are damn important days in ones life. and anticipate it and celebrate it joyously. oh well, maybe i will, for my 18th of 21st birthday. hopefully. for maybe then i will have someone to celebrate it with me, and make it a day to remember. insyAllah

anyway, i read the newspaper just now. was a nice suprise to find out about the mlep programme that will be opened in ijc next year. despite the fact that all of us was hoping that it will be opened in njc instead, its still great.. i mean yeah, its a neighbourhood jc, but its a new one, so the first few batches will be the ones that either make it or break it. and the chances of doing better are supposedly higher. and the fact that taking mlep would boost the chances of doing mighty well in the 'a's. and they are offering media related studies. which is way cool. i mean, that's two of my interests combined in one subject. not necessarily media, but more of social and people related fields. like yeah. and to top that up, its near to my house, so that practically saves my time and money! thank you Allah! i was having my doubts about going to a new school, but hey, new schools means a wider variety. and the campus is big!

well, you might be thinking why the hell is the girl already thinking of jc admission when she's not even in sec 4 yet. hey, its good to have goal and aim. it will keep you motivated. and i have my goals. apparently i have to postpone my plans to go to australia. i mean with all the racism going on and prejudice against muslim. damn. i was highly looking forward to getting away from the rigid singapore education system. ohwell, maybe i should do damn well for my 'a's, earn a scholarship, and get flown off to some country to further my studies...

"Ma, is it good to be different?"

The young mother turned to look at her sweet little child. Only reaching her hips, she looked so vulnerable in this world of hypocrisy. She ponders on the question posed. Bewildered at first, but slowly realising that she had been waiting for this moment. Just not too soon. Not now. Not when her dear daughter was just beginning to live.

"My dear, you're not different. You're special."

For that my dear, you have yet to face the world. You have yet to feel all the negativities of life. Being different is not about being alone, but it is about looking for the people that will compliment you just the way you are.

there are times when i hate being different. times when i feel totally isolated from my peers. i cant help but feel so distant from them, especially if it comes to a point when i cant even look in their direction. its difficult when you're the only one having that mindset, that way of thinking, among your peers. its even more difficult when you point it out and they look at you and roll their eyes.

its not my fault i'm matured

its not my fault i'm straightforward

its not my fault

just like today, during break, while i was happily chewing away, listening to them yak away about the hari raya outing, i was suddenly starkly aware at how selfish they were. one by one. its always what they want, what they feel, what they need, what they did. all individualistic. that's basically how they carry themselves. it gets repulsive at an extent when i just point it out and they looked at me with that look and some begin to stutter defending themselves. see? they cant even accept what others say.

whats even more funny is when they expect you to alway be around for them when they need a listening ear and always give them advice when they have problems or are going through a rough patch in life BUT will just give you the blind eye and completely ignore you when you turn to them. nice of them right? oh and when you don't listen to them or give good advice, they'll ostracize you.

i'm sick of being the person that people turn to. i'm sick of being taken forgranted. i'm sick of always having to sacrifice myself for the sake of others. i'm sick of being selfless.

if they can be so selfish, i can be one too.

and fcuk. i think too much. i hate you.

i have received my first birthday card! weeeeeee~~ from ntuc income. every single year without fail i would get it. this year its a cake. hahaha. a picture of a cake at least. heh.

AND

i received the notification letter to get my ic done! finally! heh. yes. despite my big physique, i am still very young. not even 15 yet. which means....

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING!! 16TH OF NOVEMBER TO BE EXACT! =)

anyway, its sad to see MALAY youngsters wearing baju kurung/melayu with ultra dyed hair, tattoos, and smoking [the girls]. like what the? have they no shame or guilt? yucks. i mean, whats the point of celebrating hari raya? what? to show off? hello. Hari raya is a day to celebrate your achievement in completing your fasting task. and its an islam-based celebration for goodness sake. and obviously, whatever they're doing do not reflect the islam way of life. its very embarassing you know. puasa pun belum tahu buat ke tak, raya jer melebih. *shudders* nauzibillah...

the women of the family.

the men of the family.

and you asked why i think like a boy? heh. dirrrrrty.... =)

anyway, hari raya started off quite well. experienced my FIRST ever solat aidilfitri. yes, in the 15 years of my life, this year was the first time i actually went to a mosque for the solat aidilfitri. though i didnt actually prayed, busy going around preparing for the people that came late and couldnt find space and also for the mufti's visit, it was a great experience whatsoever. all these years, by the time i actually wake up from my beauty sleep, my father would be back from the prayer. heh. what to do?



the sight from the 6th storey of a nearby flat was spectacular. you can see everybody doing simultaneous actions and what not. after which which we prepared for the mufti/alami musa/yaakob ibrahim visit. got our duit raya, which came as a suprise. haha. thank you!



spent the whole day going around the relative's houses. the mother's side mostly. god knows why we're not close to my father's side of the family. seeked forgiveness from all the sins that i have committed, be it intentional or unintentional. yes. i LOVE to tease and play tricks on my family members you know! hahaha. was quite a touching event. as my brothers said, "selling tissue would give you a great profit during this period of time!"

and what else would you love more? THE FOOD!!!!! yes yes. the must have ayam masak merah is my all time favourite!!! weeeeeeeee~~~ and my grandmother's cooking rox! hahaha. though wasnt able to eat much. coz i got full easily. hmm. must be coz my stomach shrank during ramadhan. hmmm. bleargh.

and this morning, my family went to johore for a holiday. yes, it has been a tradition for my family. last year it was melbourne, this year johor coz it was a last minute thing. well, when other families go out and continue their celebration, my family go for a holiday. due to the fact that i dont have a large family, and that we're not close to the father's side, we get to finish our rounding-s in one day. heh. i didnt follow suit coz apparently, the forward track programme starts next week and i need to restart my brain. hah. nice way to spent my weekend!

ramadhan has finally left us... syawal is here again.

strange how things can change. in a sense of the hari raya mood. honestly speaking, just last year, when i heard the MUFTI announcing that hari raya would fall the next day, i would be jumping up and down, feeling damn happy and excited that hari raya was finally here...

but this year, not much anticipation. instead, i felt so sad when i realise that ramadhan was coming to an end. the last day of tarawih, when i heard the imam made the announcement, a mixed feeling of sadness and regret overcame me. for a moment, i finally felt the true meaning of ramadhan.

maybe i have finally grown up. hari raya is really meant to be a day of celebration. for us to rejoice in our achievements. and not just a day to enjoy meaninglessly and to collect money..

well, to all my friend, selamat hari raya, maaf zahir dan batin. ada jodoh, kita bertemu, akan ku pohonkan kemaafan setulus hati. i never believed in asking for forgiveness via email, phone or what not. when we meet, that's when i will asked sincerely.

alhamdulillah. thanks to god. he finally showed me the true meaning of ramadhan and syawal. =)

hari raya is in 2 days time. i am not looking forward to it.

wonder why there's no mood for hari raya celebrations. and i'm not the only one whos feeling that way. a lot of other people are feeling similar... hmmmm....

a friend is going away. though not too far. but still wont be able to see him as often as usual. wish all the best to him for his future endeavours, may he find whatever he's looking for someone else outside the blasted school we're in now.

anyway, hari raya means the end of ramadhan. which means the end of the fasting month. which means no more preparing for iftar. which is very sad. i am really going to miss the people there. whatever that happened, let it be. but the bond has been set, and it feels weird to readjust to normal life again. oh well, there will still be next year, or other events!

anyway, for now, another look at my mosque-going self. heh..

hmmm, should i continue wearing the hijab? i wonder....