Alhamdulillah, the glorious month of Ramadhan is finally here.

Contrary to the majority of teenagers, i look forward more to the coming of ramadhan as compared to syawal aka Hari Raya Aidilfitri. well, of course, this has only become the case recently. in fact, i actually dread the end of ramadhan, for a month of glory and hope will be over. i've learnt a new meaning of ramadhan, a purer and clearer view of it. for ramadhan is not only about abstaining from food and drinks, but its abstaining from all the things that taints the soul. its a month where we muslims, strive to get his blessings and as much pahala as we possibly can. when else can you possibly take up such a generous offer of such?

ramadhan holds a deeper meaning to me. it is during this month, that i have been shone upon the light of heedayah, that initiated the major change that i made in my life. from a wayward kid who hides her insecurities by indulging in the forbidden, to someone who dedicates her life to achiving his blessings. alhamdulillah, since then, i've never looked back. now, i dont run from my insecurities, i face them, and im not alone, for He's always with me, whether i realise it or not. all i have to do is seek for Him, and insya'Allah, everything will turn out just fine, for tomorrow is a brand new day, and with every breath, comes hope.

it has nearly been a year since i chose this path and time has passed by at a pace too fast for me to be able to procrastinate. in due time, i will be sitting for my 'O's, and till then, i shall take full advantage of the power of Ramadhan to facilitate my last lap of revision. insya'Allah, i will gain the berkat of this month and get His blessings. with ramadhan, i hope to achieve a pure and clear soul, to prepare for the battle, and to come back with the light of victory emitting itself from within. it is all possible, together with determination, hard work, and His and my parents' blessing, i will be do it. i wont let them down. i wont let myself down. God willing.

im praying hard that this ramadhan will be as meaningful as the last. im praying that i appreciate this ramadhan as much as the last. and im praying that the last few days of ramadhan will have the same impact on me as the last had. insya'Allah.

the following has been taken from Islamic Q and A, and hopefully you'll realise/learn there's more to fasting than just abstaining from eating and drinking.

1. Fasting is a means that makes us appreciate and give thanks for pleasures. For fasting means giving up eating, drinking and sexual intercourse, which are among the greatest pleasures. By giving them up for a short time, we begin to appreciate their value. Because the blessings of Allaah are not recognized, but when you abstain from them, you begin to recognize them, so this motivates you to be grateful for them.
   
   
   
2. Fasting is a means of giving up haraam things, because if a person can give up halaal things in order to please Allaah and for fear of His painful torment, then he will be more likely to refrain from haraam things. So fasting is a means of avoiding the things that Allaah has forbidden.
   
   
   
3. Fasting enables us to control our desires, because when a person is full his desires grow, but if he is hungry then his desire becomes weak. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "O young men! Whoever among you can afford to get married, let him do so, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and protecting one’s chastity. Whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a shield for him."
   
   
   
4. Fasting makes us feel compassion and empathy towards the poor, because when the fasting person tastes the pain of hunger for a while, he remembers those who are in this situation all the time, so he will hasten to do acts of kindness to them and show compassion towards them. So fasting is a means of feeling empathy with the poor.
   
   
   
5. Fasting humiliates and weakens the Shaytaan; it weakens the effects of his whispers (waswaas) on a person and reduces his sins. That is because the Shaytaan "flows through the son of Adam like blood" as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, but fasting narrows the passages through which the Shaytaan flows, so his influence grows less.
   
   Shaykh al-Islam said in Majmoo' al-Fataawa, 25/246
   
   Undoubtedly blood is created from food and drink, so when a person eats and drinks, the passages through which the devils flow – which is the blood – become wide. But if a person fasts, the passages through which the devils flow become narrow, so hearts are motivated to do good deeds, and to give up evil deeds.
   
   
   
6. The fasting person is training himself to remember that Allaah is always watching, so he gives up the things that he desires even though he is able to take them, because he knows that Allaah can see him.
   
   
   
7. Fasting means developing an attitude of asceticism towards this world and its desires, and seeking that which is with Allaah.
   
   
   
8. It makes the Muslim get used to doing a great deal of acts of worship, because the fasting person usually does more acts of worship and gets used to that.
   

with that done, i have to resume writing my testimonial for secondary school life. great! perfect opportunity to blow my own trumpet. =))

Love and Salam,

Atikah

Random midnight ramblings

its 10 minutes to midnight and im still on.

couldnt coax my eyes to sleep and go to lala-land, so psycho-ed my bro to let me use the computer again. baah. it could be because i slept for 4 hrs in the afternoon, all the way to 830.

which reminds me, i have yet to qada' solat maghrib.

dinosaur went back to tekong for one whole week. and i feel horrible because he was hospitalised for THREE days last week for high fever, and i had absolutely no idea. how nice right. and he terminated his handphone number, so the only way is for him to contact me. which apparently he didnt. and i found out yesterday night when he gave me a 5 minute call just as i was about to fall asleep - to tell me that liverpool lost the match. what the?! ok fine, i was happy to hear from him, and all, but....

now can somebody tell me, do my insecurities stand on good grounds or what?

prelims just flew by. everything happens so fast, and before i know it, its o levels. even ramadhan is just around the corner! i.am.chasing.time then what the hell are you doing here! insyallah, my prelims results should be fine. a few distinctions should be viable. this is it. this is my decision. this is my choice. no time for regrets.

did i mention that my mood swings are going haywire all over again. at times im able to get it so under control, and sometimes, well, lets just say all hell break loose. i still seek solace in Him, for i still hold on to the belief that all of these are just tests for my faith. i failed before, i wont fail again. whatever the hurdle, i know im capable of achieving success. i have a mission to accomplish as His humble servant, and insyallah, i will with all my might. but i am a normal human being, though normal seems to be an understatement. i make mistakes, and am extremely vulnerable to the worldly temptations, and many a times i've given in. im not proud of it, but hey, its the truth.

my anxiety attacks are killing me. especially now i have enough difficulty to breathe in the first place. apparently, it runs in the family. gosh. i dont need this, not with o's coming soon.

Please give me the strength Allah, for only to you do i seek solace and forgiveness. Insyallah.

salam people!

i am still one sick female. and for once its not tonsillitis.

apparently there's a lot of phlegm and its blocking my respiratory system all over. if its not the chest, its the nose. so i have to regulate my breathing respectively. its been some time since i last caught a cold, so it was quite difficult to adjust. i mean, if its tonsillitis, all i have to do is dig into a tub of ice-cream! and i can psycho the brothers to never touch the ice-cream, meaning i have it all to myself! yeah. and the psycho-ing usually fails. blah. what do two little boys about getting infected? all the better for them - no school!

and being one stubborn girl, despite being #@%@#^%@ sick and having TWO papers to prepare for the next day,i headed for tampines mall yesterday for the RYC 2006 Launch. RYC = Ramadhan Youth Challenge. as usual, with the advantage of the concession fare rate, went there by 969 with the guys. who said that girls are always late! i waited for those heroes for nearly 1/2 hour - basket! and uztaz fairuz kept texting me to remind me that we need to be there by 10am. yeah right. we boarded the bus at 0945. star karat you!

we got freebies! well, one freebie - a cool looking long-sleeved tshirt with a sticker at the back which i jakunly tried to peel off. being the ever so slenger me, together with aisyah n aini, we decided to just wear the garment OVER our existing clothes. BIG MISTAKE! i was suffocating half the time under the heat. plus my already phlegm-blocked system. gaaaaah! and we still had to head down to BUGIS for street dakwah. had to hand out tiny booklets in attempt to raise awareness for the upcoming ramadhan month. i just have to say that i was lucky to have great company to survive the ordeal. Alhamdulillah. Thank YOU for blessing me with fantastic people.

the performance part of the launch was attractive so to speak. it was definitely arranged in an attempt to attract youths - which group of youths? hmmm.. honestly, felt quite out of place then. i loved it went the uztaz-s went on stage and sang. gaaaah. they were good. so went around mingling with the boys and people from MDM. met quite a few old friends, and started to bring up the past. sufyan nearly choked on his drink when i went up to him and said hi! gosh - the impact i had. he just stood there dumbfounded and stared at me for a good minute before regaining composure and answered my salam.

Sufyan: siollah. who are you and what have you done to my friend?!
Atikah: *laughing* i kidnapped her and sent her to outer space. she was a threat to world peace.
Sufyan: memang sah kau atikah! tak habis-habis dengan merepek kau! siollah, kau dah berubah siol.
Atikah: Alhamdulillah. bolehlah jugak.
Sufyan: sumpah siol. dulu kau nak pakai tudung pun susah, apa lagi nak datang event2 macam gini. wah, power ar. minah basket dah taubat seh. yes! there's still hope for the rest of them. oh btw, kau dah kurus siol!

sempat dia puji aku. heh. yes, he is one of the few people that calls me minah basket. dont ask me where it came from. it was those times when i was still leading a wayward lifestyle. and note his vocabulary. tsk tsk. it was a pleasant experience, meeting friends that have long ceased to cross each others paths. and of course, the meeting of new people that share the same faith. i fell in love with my facilitators - fadzillah and roqayah. they're people of substance. makes good company, without a doubt. and i was officially the underage girl of the day. the guys choked when the register guy said i needed to fill in an extra form for the underaged. baaaah. pecah rahsia aku. abang, saya pun nak belon!!! heh.

its late. i should go sleep.

love,

atikah

Rub Me Good!

the best way to end a long day of mental struggle sitting in the examination venue for your prelim papers? a damn good traditional massage! it sets everything right, i tell you!

nope, i didnt visit the spa. more or less, the spa CAME to me! yes. you got it. its not the high class masseuse that you pay #$@%@%# money for a stupid soothing rub that well, only handles the exterior of your body. its the makcik urut! you know, that oh-so-skilled usually elder woman who goes around earning a living rubbing people's body. heh. that sounds wrong. anyway, the woman came over my place at about 12, my mum's doings this afternoon, waaaaaay ahead of schedule - she was supposed to come at 3 - and i had to rush home straight after the #%%$&*% emaths paper 2. the phone rang a few seconds after i actually switched it on outside of school. wtf. nice timing siot. was hopping to grab lunch or watch the guys play soccer or something.

reached home in record time. never had i been able to travel from school back home or vice versa in 25 minutes. well, probably because i usually take my own sweet time, observing people along the way. takde kerja lah katakan reached home, was told to STRIP to the mere basics [bra excluded] and lie on the mattress. i had to request for a piece of towel to protect my modesty. i am so not used to this naked affair. and i wasnt even allowed to clean up first. gosh. the horror. heh.

NOBODY warned me of the impending pain. and i could have really used it to prepare mentally. it was painful lah. she was trying to sort of my #$$^%*)* muscles , or is it veins? hmm, urat lah. yes, as you know, i am somewhat a major klutz. at least, when i am. and i ALWAYS trip/fall down, especially in the time when i was bigger, so there were loads of wrong-ed veins/muscles that needed to be sorted out and she needed to put my uterus back in place - it was lower than normal - and i have one word to sum the experience.

OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHH!!!

you get my point. it hurtsssss. and tickles at the same time! i'm an extremely ticklish person you see. so half the time, i was laughing. even I wasnt sure if it was the pain or the tickles. trust me. it didnt matter. i was biting on to my brother's pillow so that i wont burst out screaming or laughing. i am such a confused girl. lol. but after everything was somewhat set right - it should be! - it was actually quite relaxing. i have no idea how she does it. i have no idea even how she knew my uterus was out of place! i loved it when she cracked my bones - especially my spine! the @%$$@#%#^! tension in my shoulders and back are gone for now. yeah me!

and the lesson is, so long as you can stand the temporary pain, you'll feel the bliss soon after! Masya'Allah!

ahhhhhhh.....

3 more papers to go before the end of the prelims! amaths p2 and chem p1&2. they better be good! insya'Allah

yes, the papers have made me gone mad. temporarily. and dinosaur's away at tekong dammit. its amazing how therapeutic phone calls can be. at least he'll be back tomorrow. insya'Allah

Salam everyone,

atikah

He's my eye-candy!

so they say that indonesian sinetrons are always revolving around the same damn thing etc.. i so agree with you. and why do they keep potraying the female lead to be so naive and vulnerable?!?! ok, maybe she's supposed to potrayed in a positive light - being patient and leaving everything up to faith. but hello?!?! stand up for yourself wont you! i get so pissed at @!%#@%#$^ family members in the story. sungguh the jahat you know! sure got anybody like there ke?

ok great now that's out of my system.

anyway, i do agree that the indonesian sinetrons that are aired during the pre-Ramadhan period are usually good, in sense that they actually potray strong islamic values and such. alhamdulillah. and another thing that i should am grateful for, is of course, the gorgeous cast! where else can you actually get to feast your eyes on such hearththrobs who have amazing features and such a bersih look? and for those who know me - especially my 'taste' for the opposite sex, well, they'll know that i'll go weak in the knees when i see guys that have that clean, bersih look. they just look... so fine! and eherm, definitely someone whom you feel safe enough to bring home and meet your parents. aaaaahhhh. how nice.

i've got to admit that at times i know nuts about whats going on in the story. hello? i dont really have all the time in the world to follow it religiously every single week! so you can say that i have an on-off relationship with Hikmah, such that i'll usually get to watch it by chance. but heck, who cares. i'm a normal 16-year-old girl who has raging hormones and truly appreciates the opposite sex. eherm.. Masya'Allah. gunawan melts my heart. BIG TIME. even teuku ryan is no match for him! *swooooons*

i am such a sucker for guys like him! wonder how come the guys in my life are never like that...?

ohwell, i guess i have to settle with my dinosaur sayang...

but hey! its good to have a dream! right....?

time and again, i remind myself. Don't speak too soon.

Guess what i did?

***********

having someone within you, who constantly nags at you, remind you of whats right and wrong, keeping your sanity intact, isn't necessarily bad. i mean, if thats the only person that you've got, well, live with it. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

there are days when i'll be sitting on the prayer mat, crying silently to Him, and making my insecurities be heard. for i know, He will always be there for me when i need him, and when insanity comes threateningly, knocking on my door, my only shield will be my faith in Him and believing in qadaa' and qadar. After everything that happened, be it the good or the bad, i believe that everything that happened, happens for a reason. and i should and will always, face the future straight-on. there are no longer reasons for me to hide under the covers of masks and lies, for i know too well, that the hurt will come back to slap me tight in the face.

but, i am human. i'm more than aware of the mistakes that i'm bound to make. i still have much khilaaf within me, and have a long way to go before finding true inner peace. there's still the devil within me who continuously struggles to make my life difficult, no matter how strong i try to be. there are days when i feel so at peace, and others, when i feel so insecure and anxious. those are the days, when i feel like giving up and going back into the sheltered facade that i used to live by.

its a struggle to live a new way of life, the islam way of life, when everybody thinks im living the old, havoc and wild life. when i recall the past, the calamities of everyday life, the strayed lifestyle that i once led, i weep silently of all the lost times and grief over the sins that i've committed. yet at the same time, i sit before Him and thank Him for letting me lead that lifestyle once, so much, that i can finally treasure this chance that He presented to me. Now, i no longer seek solace in the thick red liquid that oozes from my forearm everytime the blade slices through it, but instead, in His presence and understanding. i can weep, cry, vent out all the pain and anger in front of Him, and seek for help from Him, seek for peace of mind, and soul. and everytime, without fail, He always grant the wishes of those who remember Him.

people come and go. a painful fact that i've grown to accept with much heartache. but i've learned to accept and appreciate whoever that cross my path in life, and let them go when the time ensues. its a matter of finally coming to terms with yourself, and embracing the faith. its a matter of knowing who to turn to in times of need, and its a matter of loving and believing the right things. its a matter of never giving up, even when half of you just want to be helpless and crumble under the weight.

But with hardship comes relief and vice versa. its a law of nature, acknowledge it. for life is but a vicious cycle.

why am i saying all this in the middle of the night? trust me, i am no machine, nor am i no robot. i ache and hurt, just like every single one of you. all these happenings are just too much and threaten to turn on the waterworks any time. i know its too much to ask from your significant other to try to understand the personality disorder that you've experienced for years, and i know its unreasonable to expect too much from your significant other whom you just know and learn to appreciate. im just hoping that whatever feelings of hope and love that's between the two of us, is strong enough to withstand this raging storm of emotions and insecurities within me. insya'allah, for this feeling is too pure and ikhlaas, to be wasted away just like that.

i really do love you.

but before anything, i really need a good sob. i need to get it all out of my system. i need to unburden my woes to Him because verily only He knows best.


Abu Hurairah (radhiallaahu`anhu) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (sallallaahu‘alaihi wasallam) said: “Our Rabb, the Blessed, the Superior, comes down every night to the nearest heaven to us during the last third of the night. Then, He says: ‘(Is there anyone) who invokes Me, (demands anything from Me) so that I respond to his invocation? (Is there anyone) who asks Me for something so that I may grant him his request? (Is there anyone) who seeks My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?’” [Sahih Bukhari]

i hate it when insecurities start settling in.

blardy fcuk.

im in a joyless euphoria.

lets just hope he can handles this.

stupid personality disorder

they always said that there's always "The first"

The first 'F' on the report car.
The first crush.
The first best friend.
The first car.
The first love.
and...
The first boyfriend.

And they ALWAYS said, "Open up your heart and mind to new possibilities, for you'll never know what He has in store for you"

and i usually went, "yeah yeah whatever..."
well, until recently.

Thank you Allah for bringing that someone into my life. Thank you for answering my prayers. And thank you for finally allowing me to open my heart to that someone.

It was difficult going from not trusting the opposite sex to completely falling for one of their counterparts. Yes, i must say, THIS IS SUCH PERFECT TIMING, what with o's just around the corner and all. but i must say, he is one guy that can knock some sense into my head everytime an anxiety attack occur. and he is one guy i can depend on emotionally and eherm, physically.

It took me AGES to finally admit to myself that i actually fell for him, and needed him to protect my sanity and from myself, and guess how long its going to take for me to actually utter those words to him. Thank God he's a heck of a patient man. Too patient i think. But that's good. FOR ME at least. i'm just crossing my fingers, hoping that it'll be a looooooong while before he finally gets fed-up over my insane ways and similarly insane mood swings.

Yes, yEs, yeS, YES!
He is finally here to stay.

and 030906 marks the start of something new.

the one time when i'm actually allowed to log on to the computer guilt-free, there's a freaking *dangdut-based event thingy being held at the multi-purpose hall right beside my block.
a) its freaking annoying.
b) its pakcik2/makcik2 infested
c) its damn noisy.
and guess what? I'M ON THE 12TH FLOOR! its times like this that i pity those who stay below me...

anyway, the day that both teachers and students wait for - teacher's day - just passed and i MUST say, this was the BESTTTTT teacher's day celebration in my whole schooling life. and its not only because of the teachers. heh. this is honestly the first time i've seen and experienced a great class. like woah. you see, for teacher's day, there'll always be FOOD DELIGHT after the concert, this year was the first year that my class table had LOADS of foood, and, for the past 3 years, it had always been in a pathetic state, but this year, alhamdulillah, it was COMPLETELY covered. and being such a food-lover, apa lagi DIG IN lah!! now look lah, how can i not love my class.
this is also the first year, yes, FIRST year, that my class has ever bought any teacher's day present. and get this, EVERY SINGLE TEACHER that taught my class as a whole got a token from my class. cool huh? hahaha. trust me, last year, our former form teacher didnt even received so much as a card for this occasion! how evil can we get man....?

pictures were taken. LOADS of crazy snapshots were taken. it'll make up one crazy collection of crazy people. definitely. and it'll definitely be one heck of a momento for us. why must we bond so close now only when the o's are so blardy near?!?!?!

let me shout this out now.

I LOVE YOU GUYS 4P4 POPSTAERS!!!!!!

gosh. i've lost my train of thoughts. ahah. will go look for my mojo now. till next time.